MONDAY, APRIL 24
Since 1880, when it was gifted to President Rutherford B. Hayes by Queen Victoria, the White House’s Resolute desk has been used by presidents to help shape the face of the modern world. Since the presidency of John F. Kennedy, who installed the desk in the Oval Office, the Resolute—hewn from the mighty English oak of British Arctic exploration ship the HMS Resolute—has been an integral part of the White House, and was the preferred desk of Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama. But then some asshole—some asshole who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes—decided the Resolute desk wasn’t quite complete! “A man accustomed to wealth and its trappings, Trump has embraced life in the Executive Mansion, often regaling guests with trivia about the historic decor,” writes the Associated Press’ Julie Pace in her piece on Trump’s first 100 days in office. “With the push of a red button placed on the Resolute Desk… a White House butler soon arrived with a Coke for the president.” Yes, dears, you read that correctly: Donald Trump had a button installed on the Resolute desk, and when he pushes it, some poor bastard has to bring him a Coke. So this is the way the world ends—not with a bang, but with the fizz of carbonated, high-fructose corn syrup. (Note to self: Make Hubby Kip install a martini button on our IKEA desk.)