There are any number of excellent-sounding Valentine's Day parties to attend tonight, but there's only one front yard full of robots who are about to battle—and that's exactly where we are. On arrival, we immediately meet up with Man-Bot (whose costume sports a two-foot-long reamer) and the slot-machine-themed Reno-Bot ("The biggest little robot in the world"), and more robots keep arriving by the minute.

There is dancing inside the house—the D.J.-Bot sets booty dials to "shake." But soon enough the fights have begun and we all pile out to watch the Transvestite-Bot (AKA The Hot Box) get his/her nipples literally smacked off in a vicious mechanical throwdown. Party Crasher gets in on the action, too, wielding a Nerf bat that inexplicably shatters against our opponent's skull. Before we know it, though, we're pinned by a tenacious Female-Bot as someone pummels our head and the reamer gets introduced to our robotic rear-entry panel. This robot warfare is merciless, and brutal.

Someone shouts, "Royal rumble!" and an orgiastic free-for-all death match erupts. A woman rips the reamer right off the Man-Bot and begins beating him with his own unit. Someone screams "Not without my daughter!" before body slamming an unsuspecting Innocent-Bystander-Bot. One droid gets his head pummeled from his shoulders—"Whoa! I morphed, or something!"—and soon all the robot body parts spread across the lawn are used as weapons. "Oh, the carnage!" somebody shouts, and it's true: The costumes are all destroyed, leaving a bunch of ridiculously elated, drunken partiers in love with life, and their own exceptional party.

Want The Stranger to be sodomized by a two-foot-long, wire-supported cardboard schlong at your house party? E-mail the date, place, time, and party details to