THURSDAY 8/12
LADY RIZO: UNESCORTED, SEATTLE
If there is a big gay "rage" in gay old NYC these days, then Lady Rizo is "all the" it, baby. She's a twisted torch-song slinger nonpareil, a drag cabaret artiste of astonishing magnetism, scope, and charm, famous for her soul-stroking windpipes and pornworthy ass. (It appears in every performance!) Here for one night only! Michael Musto says fantastic stuff about her, and so does, um, Moby. (Whatevs.) Can Can, 8 pm, $10–$15, 21+.
FRIDAY 8/13
SAVE THE ENDANGERED NOSES
Damn you, Crescent Lounge! THE REVOLTING GREASY METH-HOBO DOOKIE STINK of you has chased me retching into the streets for the very last time! And, oh! You promised you'd change. New plumbing! Deep cleanings! Exorcisms! In writing, even! (Slog, June 22, 20-fucking-06, "The Crescent Understands, Explains," by David Schmader.) YOU LIED! Plenty o' bars do NOT smell like death-by-diarrhea, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? So! Everyone. Please! Don't go to the Crescent tonight. Mix some rancid baby crap with a little hot beer vomit in a bucket—and smell it! That's a less disgusting thing to do! It's at Never pm, and CLEAN UP YOUR STINK, PIG FUCKERS! P-U!
SATURDAY 8/14
THE LADYBEAR TOUR
The Hot Mess/Hard Times (RIP) folk have risen again to give you something completely not Hot Mess/Hard Times! It's at Re-bar, like all the good stuff (this is my fault? And ask why the American Pie guy and Tom Arnold were just there—it's hilarious!). And the lineup of DJs and live performers is most impressive: Sh*t Damn Hella with Huggy B, CJ & the Dolls, Nicky Click, and more! Re-bar, 9 pm, $5 before 11 pm/$7 after, 21+.
WEDNESDAY 8/18
TOSH.0, DARK MAGICKS
The Tosh.0 gay is my new boyfriend. Whether he likes it or not. It must be! So tonight when his hi-larious show comes on, I want to you concentrate all your will at making our gay, gay manlove a reality. Focus! Visualize! Light some baby-fat candles to the devil or something. Promise anything! Our dirty love must happen! Comedy Central, 10:30 pm, all ages! 
