SO GAY, SO GOOD

You beastly, sodomoriffic little rascals! Scold, scold, SCOLD! I SCOLD YOU! You can be such a handful sometimes, honestly. A dear and most breedercentric friend of mine took The Homosexual Agenda's advice for some bizarre reason and attended a recently recommended event. Now, I won't name fingers and point names (DJ Brian Gorr/the Baltic Room—point, point, name, name!), but my friend reports that she and her crew were treated quite shamefully by a more than easily shrug-offable handful of snotty-acting 'mos. Rude comments! Mean glares! General nastiness all round! FOR SHAME! The days of homo-exclusionism are over, dead, dusty, and DONE. In the New, Improved Gay Lifestyle™, heterosexuals are a welcome necessity. Breeders are the new fag hags! They are our coconspirators, collusionists, and allies, helping to create the glittery nightlife daze in which we all twirl. And this is a good thing; it means WE WIN. I don't want to hear any more bad reports, young menwimmin! So let's get out of the clubs tonight, calm down, and reflect upon the terrible power of gay nastiness and its devastating effects on your complexion with Girls Will Be Girls, an old-skool, drag-rich freakfest about three ersatz "women" (all guys) snarking their way to the bottom of the Hollywood food chain. With Coco Peru! And, did I mention, SNARK? Get it out of your system. Central Cinema, 7 pm, $8 adv/$10 DOS, 17+.

Appropriate Inappropriateness

Way before Ellen (finally!) grew a big hairy pair and launched herself the last few inches from her closet, Suzanne Westenhoefer was the funniest and outest blond lesbian in the funny-out-blond-lesbian biz. (And she's always been damn funnier than Ellen, too, for the record.) Suzanne works her magical hilarity live, mostly without a script, conjuring new jokes on the spot. Saucy freshness guaranteed! Triple Door, 7:30 pm (17+) and 10:15 pm (21+), $30 adv/$35 DOS.