If my hair gets any longer, I'm gonna have to get it cut.

Dec 27, 6:44 pm

I hope that one day I will harness the talent and willpower necessary to become everything I hate.

Dec 28, 12:00 am

Does anyone else feel an overwhelming sense of tenderness when Iggy sings, "I'll stick it deep inside" in "Loose"?

Dec 28, 7:59 pm

The search for an energy drink that doesn't taste like a failed high-school chemistry-class experiment continues.

Dec 30, 11:19 am

Whenever I hear the word "humbucker," I imagine it's some arcane sex act done mainly in the American South.

Dec 30, 12:37 pm

These "Grow your business" ads are a welcome change from the "Enlarge your penis" ones.

Dec 30, 1:35 pm

My friend got angry when I suggested Funkadelic's "Hit It and Quit It" be played at his wedding.

Dec 30, 5:15 pm

I can't believe there's not a group called Floozy Calculus yet.

Jan 1, 3:11 pm

I just accepted a FB friend request from a total stranger based solely because he likes Black Dice. I'm easy that way.

Jan 1, 3:27 pm

Jesus fucking Christ, I forgot that Jan 1 is the most popular day of the year to do laundry.

Jan 1, 7:46 pm

So are we going to finalize this sexual encounter or what?

Jan 3, 9:19 pm

I could listen to Spaceape recite the fine print of my renter's insurance policy and still be riveted.

Jan 4, 2:06 pm

Fucking someone who's wearing your high-school track hoodie is pretty damn weird.

Jan 4, 11:34 pm

It's time we called that summit meeting of our loins to order.

Jan 5, 1:19 am

The world could be in apocalyptic meltdown, but there'd still be some fucker doing Elvis impersonations in the ruins.

Jan 5, 2:29 pm

Follow Dave Segal's tweets at twitter.com/editaurus.