I witnessed a pimp on Aurora Avenue discussing the rumor about Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon being written to go with The Wizard of Oz. Then the pimp said the same thing happens if you go to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and start playing Metallica's Master of Puppets "right when they put the dough in the oven."
So the next day, I put a pimp suit on and drove to the Krispy Kreme in Sodo. The place is huge. They make the doughnuts twice a day. My pimp suit was a normal store-bought costume "Pimp Suit" with fake red velvet and zebra print. The kind people wear to Microsoft Halloween parties. I didn't think I would feel stupid. But I felt like a fucking idiot. People stared.
They were minutes away from starting a batch when I walked in. A doughnut-making man made final touches to the batter. Then he formed the dough into rings, dropping the globs into the oven chamber as I pressed play.
The opening track begins with foreboding classical guitar. It's William Tell music, longing with metal hope, then it kicks in, and double kick drums destroy all. Right when James Hetfield sings "slashing through the boundary," the doughnuts on the conveyer belt dropped into a fryer. The dough dropping into grease totally synced up. I thought about the pimp on Aurora. And the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz dancing to Pink Floyd. And really wished I wasn't wearing the pimp suit.
The next song is the title track, a magnum opus of pain, possibly the greatest metal song ever recorded. Guitars and drums pummel out tight spleen-ripping chunks. The doughnuts rose out of the fryer and continued on the conveyer belt toward the "glaze waterfall." It's amazing how many people banged their heads to Master of Puppets in the late 1980s, and did nitrous. Thousands and thousands.
The doughnut-making dude reached onto the conveyer belt with forceps to remove the defective ones, and it hit me: He's the fucking Master of Puppets. "I'm your source of self-destruction. Taste me, you will see"? This song is totally about doughnuts. I spoke with the store manager.
Are you a Metallica fan?
Yes. I like Metallica. I'm a fan of metal.
Do you think there's a correlation between Master of Puppets and making doughnuts?
You mean, like, are they related? Is that what you're listening to? We call the doughnut-making machine "The Dragon."
I'm listening to Master of Puppets and watching y'all make doughnuts.
Why are you wearing a pimp suit?