Do you know what's actually happening this week, gaydies and gentlemenz? Well, k.d. lang is playing at the flippin' Woodland Park Zoo. That's what. And, um... bwaha! Bwahahaha! (Aidez-moi! Aidez-moi!) For some reason, that just totally cracks my shit up. Don't ask me to explain. I can't do it.

Anyhoo: Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions you can make as a teenager. We all know this. And now it's time for all of us to say it—out loud, proud, and all together now! (It gets better or something!) It's Central Cinema's world-famous Heathers Quote-Along, and, as you've probably surmised from the title, Heathers (the movie that read my high school diary!) will screen, and you are expected to quote right along with all the most quotable quotes. Laughing at the hippie? Check. Martha Dumptruck trying to buy the farm? Check, too! And you know? I've seen a lot of bullshit. Angel dust. Switchblades. Sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets. And so forth. But this is the only time you'll probably ever be loved—instead of murdered—for talking loud all over a movie. Especially this one. (Trust me—I cut you!) Central Cinema, 8 pm, $9 adv/$11 DOS, 17+.



I just hate it when people refer to Madonna as "The Material Girl" or whatever. It really annoys me. (Can I get that off my chest?) But Madonna herself is fine, I suppose, if you don't count the compulsive orphan shopping, the fake British accent, and most things after "Like a Prayer." And she was born this month, you know (typical fucking Leo), and Lezbro is taking this opportunity to celebrate her nativity (172 years—doesn't she look great?) with Madonna-themed everything. Performances! Videos! Gluts of her songs! Wannabes out the back door! Getting touched for the very first time! DJ Tony B and L.A. Kendall do it all for you. Wildrose, 9 pm, $5, 21+.