Hello! How are you?

Pretty good.

Who are you?

I'm Andy Haynes, your prom date.

What are you doing here?

I'm visiting my sick mother and all the foster kids I raised and put through college, and checking in on the nonprofit I started. But I'm also headlining Comedy Underground this weekend, and that first part isn't true.

Remember how we went to high school together?

Oh yeah, you were that goth chick, right?

Describe your comedy with words.

Pompous, juvenile, offensive, and then insincerely apologetic.

Describe your comedy with a pun.

Imagine I tell you a joke that offends you, then I pull out two baby cats, and then I say, "Hey I'm just kitten!"

Describe your comedy with a haiku.

I don't write haikus

Not after the earthquake thing

See... I'm just kitten.

If your comedy were a '90s pop song, what song would it be?

SWV's "I Get So Weak in the Knees" because I've had both of my knees arthroscopically worked on, and I love their music.

Tell me a story.

Once there was a country. It was beautiful and just, full of wealth and opportunity, but it was divided. The people fought over their beliefs and their differences. They were easily manipulated by the wealthy elites and their false causes. Their king was a noble king, but he was a pussy. One day, the rage virus was released from a lab that made Samsung Galaxys and a lot of people became zombies. Everyone died. Everyone except my fiancée and me. We spent the rest of our lives repopulating the earth (fucking), rescuing shelter dogs, and listening to Dave Matthews Band. Also at some point I fight Paul Dano's zombie. I hate that overacting motherfucker. recommended

Andy Haynes performs at Laff Hole on Wed Aug 17, Chop Suey, 8:30 pm, $10, 21+. He headlines Thurs–Sat Aug 18–20, Comedy Underground, Thurs 8:30 pm (all ages)/Fri–Sat 8:30 and 10:30 pm (21+), $10.