EAT OUT

I don't "do" causes. Not usually. This is because I am a selfish black-souled twat. (Google it, I'm serious.) But I have such a fuzzy-warmness in my little gay heart for the old Country Doctor clinic on Capitol Hill—and all the free STD tests they gave me when I was a budding slut. Tonight we shall support their EAT OUT event, and all you have to do is eat at Poppy or Tango or La Cocina or Barrio or Cha Cha Lounge or Olympia Pizza (gigantic full list here: www.countrydoctor.org) to get much-needed funds rolling their way. Do it for me, for you, and for the budding gay sluts of tomorrow! Various Capitol Hill restaurants, 6 am–11 pm.

THE BEEBO BRINKER CHRONICLES

You have, of course, heard the hair-raising legends of the scary, scary Re-bar ghost? Yes, yes? The perverted earthbound shade that allegedly lingers in the tortured shadows of the men's room, probably watches you pee, and is supposedly supernaturally influencing the architectural updates that Re-bar's been working on lately? No? Well, it explains a lot, that's for damn sure. And to hear Re-bar's owner Carla tell it... that's why the plumbers "accidentally" put the brand-new urinals "too close" together. (As if there could ever be such a thing.) And, lady, the woman's totes serious. So. You know. BOO! But forget about the perverted looky-loo spook, because BRAND-NEW URINALS! It's the biggest Re-bar bathroom news since they painted over the old Paris masterpiece above the pissoir and/or the time Tippet (aka "DJ Anton Bomb") came crashing through the ceiling into the nasty old trough while hunting for Christmas decorations in the attic (and/or the time I got really super-smashed and... never mind).

And in possibly less diabolical Re-bar stuff: Remember way back in the '90s/early-'00s when Pulp Vixens used to take naughty and unintentionally hi-larious lesbian pulp fiction (read: "soft-core porn") from the '50s and stage it up to delightful effect? "Cherry Manhattan Productions" has taken up the naughty gauntlet, and is presenting a fabulously kitsch-rich, award-winning, and definitively dykey romp based on the books I Am a Woman, Women in the Shadows, and Journey to a Woman, all by Ann Bannon. Tonight is opening night, with a reception featuring the author and everything. Go! And try not to think about leering ghosts while you tinkle. (Lotsa luck.) Re-bar, 7 pm, $18 adv/$22 dos, 21+.