Seattle's premier monthly comedy night, Laff Hole, brings comedian Neil Hamburger to the Chop Suey stage on April 4. Hamburger is a rare bastion of old-fashioned showbiz, a professionally uncomfortable man, the kind of slick-haired entertainer just as well-suited to drink at your funeral as tell you a joke. Here, Hamburger discusses internet dating, retirement, and the only music fit for his tape deck.

What brings you to Seattle?

Your residents' need for laughter, professionally presented with the budget-conscious in mind.

How long have you been in the business of standup?

A long, long time. Please don't force me to do the math, it is only going to be depressing.

Please describe, in excruciating detail, a day in the life of Neil Hamburger.

There is the driving, followed by the waiting, and then the performing. Hopefully sleep follows, but sometimes dwelling on certain thoughts makes it impossible.

Care to tell all the struggling young comedians out there how you got your start?

Playing on a tiny stage for a tiny group of disinterested folks. I had the exact same scenario last night in Paso Robles, California.

Have any pre-show rituals you care to divulge?

You try and make yourself presentable. People are not paying hard-earned money to look at some slob in a dirty Diabetes Fun Run T-shirt for an hour.

You're always drinking on stage—what's your cocktail of choice?

Anything where I can be 100 percent satisfied that it is sterile and free of human disease. If the bartender has a Band-Aid on his hand, I will dump the drink in the nearest trash can.

Audiences love "All Alone..." But are you still all alone or is there a special lady in your life?

I am still all alone, which is the fate of anyone in this profession. Hawking entertainment is not for those who wish to have a full social calendar. This is hard, hard work, and there are no vacations.

Do you internet date?

That is not something that would work for me.

What do you look for in an ideal mate?

Someone who could help.

Why is misery funny?

Because you people have so many problems of your own that are eating you up inside that the only thing that can possibly bring relief is to laugh at someone else's even worse situation.

You mock musicians a lot in your sets—what music do you listen to?

I listen to whatever is on the cassette tapes I find. Most of it just makes things worse, because the neuroses of the musicians are overwhelming when committed to tape and blaring out of the speakers. It's the equivalent of having someone with bad breath throw up into your ears. Generally, I find it detrimental to enjoying my day. The only thing that seems to help any more is the music of Bow Wow Wow.

Do you think you'll ever retire?

I did a show in the Bahamas last month and found it to be quite stressful. I'm not sure there is really any place one can escape. There is always going to be someone pestering you, trying to sell you something. If I ever do retire, which seems very unlikely at this point, it would probably be to a state-subsidized hospice.

Wed April 4, Chop Suey, 8:30pm, $10, 21+.