Oh, the future! It's amazing and crazy and, baby, we are living in it. The waters are rising, everything else is burning (Al Gore TRIED to warn you!), my phone just parked my car (which runs on wheatgrass and good intentions), and we 'mos find ourselves faced with many new puzzling and demanding questions: If a gay couple gets divorced, who gets custody of the joint account? That's a good example. And if argyle cardigans were going to come back with such determination, why the hell did I bother throwing out my impressive collection from high school in the first damn place? A complicated world, that's what we've created for ourselves.

But our darling friend and thuper gay nightlife thuperstar Kevin Kauer will save us. (If he hadn't clamped the jumper cables onto the twitching nipples of Seattle gay nightlife, we'd all still be lurking around Neighbours dressed in Gap khakis, you know, so he's saved us at least once already.) He knows what's important in this here queer modern life, and he makes it simple. For instance: If you want to see Dan Savage's boyfriend husband dance around with his butt crack hanging out and his biceps bulging, there is no longer any need to hide in the bushes with night-vision goggles or lurk around disreputable German porn sites. And if you want to give a hundred blowjobs, want to nurse your nickel-a-day addiction to Jell-O shots, or simply hanker to grope a go-go boy without sacrificing any digits, then you are in extra-special lucky boots, my friend. Kauer's monthly celebration of filth and well-spanked genitalia called DICKSLAP is the answer to your every twisted prayer.

This month's installment features a furry sexbomb of a cage dancer from PDX called Ross, resident DJ Nark will be on the decks (of course), and, as I am pretty sure I just mentioned, DJ Trouble (who is secretly Terry Miller of Dan Savage's husband fame) will be spinning his bulging biceps off. (If you're real nice, he'll rub you with his Emmy, maybe!) Ahhh. The future. I'm for it. The Eagle, 10 pm–3 am, $5, 21+. recommended