When the fucking dog bites, when the fucking bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember Divine chomping on fresh dog turds, and/or the egg lady flipping out in her crib, and/or hippies fucking chickens, and/or GOOOOD MOR-NING BAAAL-TIM-ORE!, and, well, it does give one a certain perspective, doesn't it? Indeed. And these are merely small examples of the many, many (way too many?) gifts that keep on giving that the walking miracle of whimsy and filth John Waters has given to the world. In this allegedly Most Joyous Time of Year™, it is important to reflect on the whys and wherefores of its manic, candy-striped madness, with a specific emphasis on the wild and perverse (don't you agree?). And so! That's exactly what our dear John is going to do for us tonight. I simply cannot imagine anything more freakishly delightful than spending an evening with THE quintessential pervy uncle of the world, live, as he brings to us his own twisted visions of the sick sugar plums that dance in his fevered head. It is simply a holiday confection that is not to be missed, so hurry (Babs, hurry!)! It's one night only, and tickets are going faster than shit through a Christmas goose! Neptune Theatre, 8 pm, $35–$99, all ages.



Shane Wallund and Michael Andersen and the delightful events they throw have made quite a little splash around gay old Seattle this year, what with their slutty monthly dancestravaganza Cock & Bull, and most importantly, their every-Monday stoner parade of awesomeness that is Collide-O-Scope—which, of course, has become One of My Favorite Things™. The concept is simple and brilliant—pick a theme and unleash a psychedelic torrent of colorful insanity in the form of film clips pursuant to said theme upon your brain. Then put out some popcorn and Red Vines and invite all of your funnest stoner friends to come enjoy the madness. I have no clue how they dig up half of the wonderful and hilarious snippets of celluloid that they do (commercials, cartoons, music videos, film clips newish and ancient!), but the end result is dazzling. Tonight, they walk us through the winter wonderland of their first-ever holiday show, and unhinged Xmess craziness is certain to ensue: Candy canes shall sing and dance, Christmas trees shall go up in flames, Joan Collins will be viciously murdered by Santa Claus (FINALLY!), and more. But the very best part is that they will be hawking Collide-O-Scope DVDs as Christmas gifts, so now you know what to get me. RIGHT? Re-bar, 7 pm, $6, 21+. recommended