HO, HO, HOMOS

At last! The glittering holiday jewel we've all been doing the pee-pee dance for all year is upon us! A tradition that has grown Xmessier than the eggs in your nogs or the stuffers in your stockings—Homo for the Holidays! Now, please disabuse yourself of the notion that I'm suggesting you see the show tonight. Quite impossible! It's opening night, after all, so of course tickets sold out before any of us were born. Well, there MIGHT be one or two little tickets left floating at the door, if you feel like camping out like some kind of Black Friday Walmart shopper and begging on your knees. Have some dignity! Buy your tickets early! They have kindly added extra shows to accommodate demand, but this whimsical yuletide homospectacle will still quickly become harder to get into than an ungreased virgin. (Mary.) They've added the formidable talents of Scott Shoemaker (of Ms. Pak-Man fame) and Josh Hartvigson (Gary Gloryhole) to the all-star cast, which, as ever, features the luminous Kitten LaRue, Lou Henry Hoover (both fresh in from NYC just for you), Cherdonna, and BenDeLaCreme. Odd Fellows Building, West Hall, 8 pm, $30 adv/$35 DOS, all ages, through Dec 27.

MARCH OF THE MISTLETOMOSEXUALS

You know they aren't screwing around when one of the rules is "bring enough cash to take a cab home." You've heard of the infamous pub crawl where everybody dresses like Santa and wreaks holiday cheer all over unsuspecting taverns and bars? SantaCon or Santarchy or whetever? Yeah, well, this is that, except totally gay. Imagine! A few hundred of your closest gay friends in Santa drag flooding the streets! I don't know whether to touch myself or take an aspirin. This year's crawl will begin at CC Attle's and wind its way from there to Diesel, Madison Pub, and Purr, converging finally at the Cuff at the stroke of midnight. The rules are as follows: Dress up (Christmas attire is mandatory, Santa drag preferred), hold your liquor, and that cab thing. CC Attle's, 9 pm, 21+.