Count your damn blessings! In ye olden times, the holiday shows offered to Seattle amounted to an unbearable parade of Christmas Carols and Nutcrackers that I'm certain contributed substantially to our alarming suicide rates. But here in the wonderful future times, we are afforded a colorful variety of fresh spectacles to select from: Homo for the Holidays, The Dina Martina Christmas Show, and, of course, Ham for the Holidays, to name but three. Ham was the first show I ever saw in Seattle, and it remains one of my favorites, given to us by the legendary sketch comedy queens Lisa Koch and Peggy Platt. It's deft and clever old-skool sketch comedy of the finest (and gayest) sort, featuring all of the Koch/Platt characters we have come to love, including the Sequim Gay Men's Chorus (the rainbow vests! The cheesy mustaches!), and the country-and-western-twanging mother-daughter duo the Spudds. ACT Theatre, 7:30 pm, $20–$35, all ages, through Dec 20.

FRIDAY 12/19


In keeping with pork-flavored holiday adventure, once again Sylvia O'Stayformore is dusting off her Bacon Strip heels to give us another show—the Bacon Strip Christmas Special Spectacular! (Of course, she blames her return on Christmas, but you knew she couldn't stay away—it's in her name, duh.) She's brought back together the entire crew—from Baby Bear to Honey Bucket—and she promises "a show for the books." (I didn't know Sylvia read books!) Two nights only. Theatre Off Jackson, 8 pm, $15 adv/$20 DOS, 21+, Dec 19–20.


DJ Nark's great and sleazy Dickslap party celebrates its anniversary at the Eagle. Just thought you should know. (New drinking game: Every time you see Dan Savage lick Terry's armpits—SHOT!) The Eagle, 9 pm, $5, 21+.

MONDAY 12/22


The regular old Robbie Turner Revue is an intoxicating carnival of story, song, and dance (sometimes all three at the same time!), so just imagine how much sparklier and more lush her Holiday Revue is sure to be. The theme is '60s variety shows (the glamour! The camp!), the costumes are original Michael Cepress creations, and Turner's got a team of dancers and singers backing her up, so, seriously, yes: THAT sparkly and lush. Hard Rock Cafe, 8 pm, $15 adv/$20 DOS, 21+. recommended