Hullooomosexuals! Pay attention! I have an important and perhaps somewhat surprising announcement. Due to my newly burgeoning religious viewpoint (cloudy with a chance of blowjobs), I can no longer in good conscience or whatever write a single word that would encourage anyone to accept, celebrate, or engage in a "homosexual lifestyle" in any manner whatsoever, so help me gawds (amen!). Furthermore, I utterly allegedly reject such a lifestyle henceforward. (Go away, gays! Get thee hence!) My GoFundMe will be in place shortly, and I encourage all other religious hypocrites and shameless bigots to give generously to combat the attacks from "Big Gay" that shall inevitably follow. Even though I am, myself, "Big Gay." Whatevs. Also, please ignore the following. Thank you in advance.

Anyhooters! Do you know what the hell we need around here? A monthly night just for our trans brothers and sisters—I don't know, something that combines cabaret with dancing, perhaps? Isn't that a great idea? Well, of course it is. And so! You can stop all of that foolish waiting around for it: The inaugural night of just such a thing is happening tonight at Kremwerk, featuring the transfabulous talents of Mal DeFleur, the Lady B, and DJ General Meow, all rising to the occasion to fill this particular gaping hole in trans-Seattle's beautiful heart. Kremwerk, 9 pm, $10/$5 after midnight, 21+.



Oh, Pony. What would Gay Seattle ever do without you? (DIE is what! Just curl up and fucking DIE!) So tonight let's celebrate our beloved old stable with her renowned themed monthly dance party (Jesus, that was a lot of adjectives). They call it "Hero Worship," whence the Pony Powers That Be pick a worthy artist or genre and adore the shit out of it. Tonight's installment obsesses over Peter Murphy, Bauhaus, Tones on Tail, and their gothy, new-wave-y like, and you are encouraged to costume, imbibe, and worship accordingly. WORSHIP, I TELL YOU! WORSHIP! Pony, 9 pm, free, 21+.



Speaking of worshipping the new wave (were we?), did you know that Trent Von and Kipprawk DJ a once-a-monther focusing on the new-romantic retro-magnificence that is (was?) Depeche Mode? The Mercury will be your own... personal... Jesus-ing it all night long in popper Mercury form—after all, DJ Kipprawk managed Platinum Records once upon a time, which gave him limitless access to every Depeche Mode bootleg, limited pressing, and remix service extant. It's true! He's got 'em, all right, and tonight he shares them all with you. Mercury @ Machinewerks, 9 pm, $5, 21+. recommended