See The Stranger's complete guide to Bumbershoot.
MUSIC 3:10 pm, Starbucks Stage
Seattle's most explosive boy band, Naked Giants, will get you right into *~*FESTIVAL MODE*~*!!! Or at least into a mode more energetic than the bong rip you rode in on. Their exuberant rock/punk sets are a near-constant whirlwind of shredding, thrashing, and grinning like they could play all weekend and genuinely enjoy every second of it.
MUSIC 5:30 pm, KEXP
Enter a dreamlike state with Seattle-based (by way of Southern California) artist DoNormaal, aka Christianne Karefa-Johnson, whose poetic, otherworldly hiphop (she describes her genre as "morbid emotional prayer") might be potent enough for you to lay off the THC for a minute—but don't feel like you have to. Spend time with her 2015 album Jump or Die if you haven't yet.
WORDS & IDEAS 7:30 pm, Center Theater
"Am I too stoned to be here? Is everyone looking at me all weird? Am I going to lose my phone and wallet by the end of this weekend?" Ask the oracles (aka writers Ijeoma Oluo, Kristiana Kahakauwila, and Garth Stein) your deepest questions and they'll do their best to help you out. Like much of the programming in the Words & Ideas realm of Bumbershoot, the premise is a bit confusing here, but as long as Ijeoma Oluo is involved, you're bound to learn something.
MUSIC 7:35 pm, KeyArena
Fetty's quadruple-platinum single "Trap Queen"—the most uplifting anthem ever written about love (and cooking dope) at first sight—solidified his recipe of upbeat rap studded with lots of watery "yaaaahhhhh baby" and gratuitous Auto-Tune. It's true, Fetty might be a bit of a one-trick pony, but it's a pretty great trick, and I suspect you won't mind.
MUSIC 3 pm, KEXP
I don't want to get all hysterical on you, but this could very well be your LAST TIME to see Pony Time [sob]! I don't know if there has ever been a catchier Aries/Libra duo in the history of music, but I do know that in order to properly celebrate the seven-ish years of joy that Stacy Peck (drums) and Luke Beetham (bass, vocals) have given Seattle, you better bring the right vape pen.
MUSIC 7:20 pm, Starbucks Stage
While it might be difficult to describe Hinds without mentioning, say, garage rock in the very tapped vein of the Black Lips (or various bands on the Burger Records roster), Hinds' lo-fi fuzz-pop floats this Madrid quartet into their own lane with surreal lyrics and the very chill blend of Carlotta Cosials and Ana Perrote's voices singing in unison. If you feel compelled to close your eyes to gently sway during their set, I won't judge you.
MUSIC 7:20 pm, Main Stage
Okay, this starts at the same time as Hinds, but goes 40 minutes longer, so you'll have time to see both! Write it on your hand if you have to. Run the Jewels are El-P and Killer Mike, who have been known to put on exceptionally high-powered shows propelled by their politically charged bangers (do pre-funk to Run the Jewels and Run the Jewels 2... and stay tuned for a third installment, slated for release sometime this year).
MUSIC 6:50 pm, Fisher Green
Whoa! Third Eye Blind played Bumbershoot in 1998, aka my first Bumbershoot and festival ever, thank you for asking! Though nothing else they did quite reached the success of their self-titled 1997 debut (the one with "Semi-Charmed Life," "Losing a Whole Year," "Jumper," "Graduate," and "How's It Going to Be" on it), the fact that singer/guitarist Stephan Jenkins recently trolled right-wingers who attended their benefit show in Cleveland (it landed during the Republican National Convention) by yelling things like "Raise your hand if you believe in science" and "You can boo all you want, but I'm the motherfucking artist up here" makes me love them as much as I did when I was 13.
WORDS & IDEAS 7:30 pm, Center Theater
Now that they've finally started labeling marijuana, perhaps you can fine-tune your buzz to the "you know, I could go for some poetry right now" setting and let some of the Seattle area's best poets (who also happen to be gifted performers), one of whom is a Stranger Genius nominee this year, massage your brain with their words.
MUSIC 8:30 pm, Fisher Green
I've referred to Billy Idol's penchant for showmanship as "Punk: the Musical," and I stand by that. You've got the leather pants, the sneer, and the cross earring, but you've also got exceptional hair and makeup, costume changes, and elaborate lighting design! What more could you ask of him in 2016? Unrelated: Remember when Billy Idol came out with that Cyberpunk concept album in 1993? Just checking.
MUSIC 10 pm, KeyArena
Porter Robinson is a mainstream EDM producer and DJ, and I know you were wondering when and where you could possibly find more of that! Yes, the music generally sounds something like a shiny bundle of Passion Pit, Forever 21, and soft robot voices cooing positive affirmations, but the multimedia live show promises to be something to feast your bloodshot eyes upon. According to Robinson's bio, "It's a hyperreal, video-game-fueled dream come to life..."
LASERS Fri–Sun, various times, Pacific Science Center
Laser dome! LASER DOOOMME! Laser domes are lit-er-al-ly what weed was made for. Kick back and enjoy the music of such legendary artists as Nirvana, David Bowie, MGMT, Daft Punk, Michael Jackson, Prince, Pink Floyd (guess which album), Outkast, and the Beatles, WITH LASER ACCOMPANIMENT. You might want to ingest an edible for this, but only if you know for certain it won't make you want to lock yourself in a porta-potty and cry. Because then you will miss the LASERS.
FOOD Fri–Sun, 2:30–9:30 pm, B-EATs tent
B-EATs is Bumbershoot's "Sizzling New Local Food Program" (LOL, KING 5's words, not mine) created by restaurateur Dan Bugge. Participating restaurants include Bugge's own Radiator Whiskey (for brisket and other "meat creations") and Matt's in the Market (po'boys), with Gracia (tacos and tamales), Little Uncle (classic Thai), Pike Place Fish Guys (I think these are the guys who throw the fish?), Bok A Bok (Korean fried chicken), and more. Hit the tent on Friday to get the full schedule of sit-down meals throughout the weekend, laminate it, and pin it on your shirt.
DANCE Fri, 4 pm; Sat, 5:30 pm; Sun, 6:30 pm; Exhibition Hall
I suggested this last year, and since I haven't had any negative breakdance experiences since then, I'm totally suggesting it again... Especially since there is probably nothing more mind-melting to watch while you're stoned than ultra-talented B-girls and B-boys from all over the world twisting and spinning like they have no bones, or maybe bones that can snap into different various geometric shapes at will.
COMEDY Sat, 5 pm; Sun, 7 pm; Bagley Wright Theater
Based on an audience suggestion for a fictional play title, this group will riff Elizabethan as an entire Shakespeare-ish play unfolds before your very (glazed-over) eyes! Seems legit.
FOOD Fri–Sun, Shishkaberry's stand
If you do just one thing at Bumbershoot, this is the thing: SHISHKABERRY'S. Shishkaberry's make the perfect snack—strawberries on a stick (so healthy!) dipped in white, milk, or dark chocolate, with toppings like sprinkles, Oreos, and whipped cream.
FILM Fri–Sun, various times, SIFF
Hot tip: Watching films indoors at a festival is a great way to forget that you're at a festival and/or wait out that awkward "too high to talk anyone" feeling.
DISCO Fri–Sun, 7:10–11:40 pm, EMP Sky Church
Now here's something we're really going to wow future generations with: a silent dance party at which everyone wears wireless headphones and dances to one of two DJs. Learn what a DJ Gotek is and whether or not you like it more than a CHVSM!
ART Fri–Sun, Exhibition Hall
But wait, have you ever really, like, looked at a bunch of music posters?