David Byrne will not be playing this festival.
David Byrne will not be playing this festival. Lester Black

Live Nation has been telling us for weeks to keep our calendars clear for Memorial Day Weekend. Sasquatch! music festival died but, the events promoter assured us, they would bring something good in its place. After rumors last week got me worried about the replacement festival, I can now irrefutably report that this shit sucks.

End of the Rainbow's target audience seems to be mountain rednecks willing to drive their tanks of nitrous from Colorado to the Gorge just to see two sets by Bassnecter. Sasquatch! was known for being one of the few forward-thinking festivals in America's sea of music fest mediocrity. Sasquatch! would get artists sometimes a year before they'd show up at on other festival bills around the country. This Live Nation substitute for Sasquatch! is the opposite. It's like they went out and found the artists that can't be booked anywhere else and formed an amalgamation of the worst aspects of other festivals.

Young Thug is the only bright spot on this lineup, but even his weird trap rap can't outshine the catastrophe of experiencing two sets worth of Bassnectar's womp womp womp womp womp. And the lineup only gets worse as you head south down the list. Santigold and Vic Mensa? No thanks, I actually don't want to revisit the most underwhelming aspects of Coachella 2015. STS9 and Flosstradamus make terrible music but they actually make sense on this lineup, as the nitrous mafia probably want a side of jam-band-electro-funk and bass drops after two sets of Bassnectar's womp womp.

Then there's Gogol Bordello, because I guess your steampunk cousin needs another reason to wear their leather overalls in public? I don't know, I don't get it. Nor do I get who the fuck the last two lines on this lineup are. Whipped Cream is the name of a band? Ok, whatever, not going to look it up. Nor am I going to look up the band Run DMT, which, given my love of hiphop and background in exploring DMT, makes me slightly angry.

Don't hold your breath for any future performers. The festival said on Twitter that only the Gorge's main stage will be used for the festival, instead of using all of the potential stages on the festival grounds.

The only good thing about this lineup announcement is that I no longer have to wait and see if I need to keep my calendar clear on Memorial Day weekend. I won't be going to the Gorge.