1. “Hater”
Hands down, end of discussion, no contest, the single shittiest phrase of the ’00s—even over “webinar.” “Hater” emerged in the ’90s, but it seeped its way into pop music’s bloodstream during this decade and shows no signs of going away. It’s the ultimate cop-out, equally applicable, and specious, whether you’re a megastar or a wannabe. Don’t want to own up to your own bullshit? Call everyone a hater! No one knows about your piddling little rap career yet? Bitch about all your haters! Selling millions of albums (despite the fact that “albums” are fast going the way of the dodo) and impressing critics all over the damn place? Goddamn world’s still full of haters! Somebody disagrees with you about—oh—anything, and you don’t have a cogent response? Haterhaterhater! Keep hiding behind your mediocrity by using this stupid term and you’ll deserve as many of them as you can get. (And no, “Stop hatin’!” or some variation thereof is not a clever response.)
2. The death of browsing culture
Then: You went to the record store, you looked around, you heard something new, something new caught your eye, you took a chance, you ran into a friend, you sneered back at the clerk, you had an experience. No more—or, at least, a great deal less. Obviously there are still record stores, and hopefully there always will be. But the downsizing of the social aspect of music (and no, slogging through endless “Firsties!” and “Fuck you, asshole” blog comments is not “social”) has made the whole thing seem less urgent, interesting, and relevant than ever, even as the sheer amount of good, readily available music has increased beyond measure—and that’s bad for the fans, the music, and the ecosystem that nurtures both.
3. Simon Cowell, Inc.
Pop culture slips into slush easily enough without this professional British villain building a new, improved waterslide. Cowell transformed the music business as surely as the iPod this decade by literally remaking the pop process as a game show. Yes, we owe him for a handful of great ’00 music: American Idol alums Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone” and Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats,” and, by proxy—they’re based on Cowell’s template, though not produced by him—”Cheater, Cheater” by Can You Duet‘s Joey + Rory and, from Nashville Star, Miranda Lambert’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
But not only did Cowell re-foist Paula Abdul on an innocent public (most prominent airhead of the decade? Discuss), not to mention the term “pitchy,” he’s responsible for more garbage than actual musicians of the ’00s. Unless you have a speed-dialing soft spot for corn dogs, ham bones, and bland media pros along the lines of Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice, Elliott Yamin, Justin Guarini, Fantasia, Clay Aiken, CHRIS! FUCKING! DAUGHTRY!, Sanjaya “Vote for the Worst” Malakar, Blake Lewis, Jordin Sparks (in particular “No Air,” a duet with Chris Brown, the most reprehensible man in show business), Adam Lambert (queer chic, go for it, but he makes Eddie Money sound like Al Green), and, now, Susan Boyle, the middle-aged Englishwoman from Cowell’s UK program Britain’s Got Talent, who just had the biggest opening sales week of the year with her slow, sentimental versions of Monkees, Stones, and Madonna songs. And that’s not even to bring in Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day,” the worst single of the decade in heavy traffic, which rocketed to number one on AI‘s back. Which just proves that Simon really is a jerk.
4. The Loudness Wars
The real reason music sounds worse than ever? Because much of it is mastered so loudly that it distorts, or “clips,” and winds up becoming physically uncomfortable to listen to. If you want to know why most major-label rock records sound so god-awful—aside from their being by terrible bands, I mean—this is your answer. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon, either. (Lots of people have written about this: Start with Nick Southall’s 2006 online essay “Imperfect Sound Forever” and Greg Milner’s 2009 book Perfecting Sound Forever.)
5. The knee-slapping hilarity of white people with acoustic guitars covering rap songs
Dynamite Hack’s “Boyz-n-the-Hood,” ex–Veruca Salt frontwoman Nina Gordon’s “Straight Outta Compton,” Ben Folds’s “Bitches Ain’t Shit,” and Milow’s “Ayo Technology” all have a special place in hell awaiting them. Oh wait—the hell belongs to anyone who heard, snickered, and forwarded the YouTube links for them in the first place.
6. The knee-slapping hilarity of white R. Kelly “fans”
I fully accept that he’s plausibly insane. I also fully accept that plenty of people are made uncomfortable by the fact that this supple R&B singer-arranger was also possibly responsible for some foul shit, even if a jury found him not guilty. And yes, Trapped in the Closet and its videos are ridiculous and entertaining in ways that flummox people. But the tittering around him by white bohos really did work the nerves, especially once his music took a nosedive in the middle of the decade. Writer-musician John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats referred to it as “critical Buckwheatification,” and really, there isn’t a better way of putting it.
7. The recording career of DJ Khaled
It may have been P. Diddy who rapped, “Don’t worry if I don’t write rhymes/I write checks,” on 2001’s “Bad Boy for Life,” but it was DJ Khaled who turned it into a working philosophy with no upside whatsoever. At least Puff produced a couple of great Notorious B.I.G. records; all Khaled’s autopilot beats (which he didn’t produce) have gotten us on his records (on which he doesn’t rhyme) was one great Lil Wayne verse on “We Takin’ Over.” Khaled screams hoarse taunts at the audience, puts his name on ever more worthless product, and cashes checks when not writing them. Aren’t you glad you live in America?
8. People taking Green Day’s “political” lyrics seriously
If you’re not in 8th grade, you should know better. The end.
9. Everyone’s a critic/remixer/musician/tastemaker
The sheer glut of available music online has been remarked upon too much to go over again here, but the plethora of available tracks and remixes by every Joe, Jack, and Jill with a laptop, plug-ins, and time to kill are, together, as good an argument about the gross democratization of the Web as anything this side of the Sarah Palin base. What may be worse are the stupid number of “voices” out there discussing it all. The comments box isn’t the worst development of the ’00s, but it certainly isn’t anything like the best, either. It’s helped burn people out on music that hasn’t even been released, and it helps people—myself certainly included—to lose all sense of proportion in terms of what music actually means in the real world. Perfect example: I recently encountered a guy who said, “Kids in dorms listen to Animal Collective and the Dirty Projectors, right?” “Not really,” I said, “mostly they seem to be listening, as ever, to Dave Matthews.” The guy literally spluttered, “What?! Still??!!” The world is not like the message boards, alas. Or maybe that should be “Thank god.” (Not that I prefer Matthews to the Dirty Projectors, but you know what I mean.)
10. The Kid Rock–Scott Stapp groupie sex tape
No, I haven’t seen it. Just knowing it exists is punishment enough. 
Yeah, #39, your first paragraph is great, and I agree, but I don’t agree with the rest of your post. As a matter of fact, I began wondering if I was full of shit about the sound quality of lossless mp3s based on your comments on rock music. (Thank God for posts 49 & 50.)
Have you listened to rock music much since the 80s? Because the 80s–for the most part–wasn’t really a “rock” decade, at least for the first half.
#51.
That’s not really fair. I don’t carry an iPod with me when I ride the bus either, but it’s because that 45 minutes I spend riding the bus to and from work is my reading time. I read for almost two hours a day on the bus. Actual books. And I don’t want to be interrupted by someone I don’t know or trust.
I’m not talking or engaging with the people on the bus because they’re strangers. Odds are if I did begin talking with them, I wouldn’t like them anyway (and vice versa).
Hell, he or she might be a republican! And then there I am, stuck, talking to a republican!
When I’m riding the bus, I’m neither comatose nor paralyzed. I’m taking advantage of the precious free time in my day to read. And I imagine that everyone else on the bus is taking advantage of their precious free time to do whatever it is they do in their free time: read, listen to their favorite music, or simply sit and think. And they probably don’t want me interrupting to “engage” them in fake conversation like, “Nice day! Think it’ll rain?”
What’s wrong with that?
Thank you Michaelangelo for mentioning “pitchy” under Simon Cowell. That shit drives me nuts. A singer isn’t pitchy – they are sharp, flat or just off key!!
Aww man. I’m sorry, everybody, for taking the conversation in a completely different direction.
For the record, I too, think that Autotuning should be on the list.
The move to the majority of electronic music releases has been the best, and worst development to the entire meta-genre in the past 10 years bar non.
MP3s, autotunung and vocoders are a fucking locust plague eating up teh internets. As William S. Burroughs said:
“Nobody has done anything interesting with vocoders since Laurie Anderson. Abuse of vocoders leads to escalating doses of heroin and wars in Afghanistan”
stop hatin on da talent-hater haters!
#51 – I personally think that the move of music out of the domain of the upper castes is a good thing. I’m sorry for you as a person that giving many more more people access to a wider variety of something that brings them enjoyment without any real negative side effects (except for ear damage if you listen to loudly) is considered “devaluing.”
Really?
What a horribly repressed life you must lead and what a pretentious fucktard to think that we should all share in your misguided misery.
#54 – Your reply rocked. Thank you.
Yeah, @54 basically said exactly what was running through my head when I read @51. It’s ridiculous that you’re depressed by the fact that people want to listen to music, relax, think, read, whatever, when they’re on the train. When I lived in Chicago, I spent all day talking to people (at work, at home, out with friends). The commute was one of the only regular times I had to myself, and I sure as hell didn’t want to spend it making “friends” or “engaging” with other people. I was engaging with me.
I seem to have pressed one or two buttons here…good. A negative reaction at least gets a discussion going.
Yes, I am arrogant. A total music snob. But I know a great deal about the subject and I’d be happy to debate you all day and well into the night.
Now, I realize that electronica and hip-hop have their fair share of untalented hacks. I merely present the argument that these genres have stolen rock’s creative fire. The guitar has been explored to death and there is only so much you can do with one instrument. I think it’s unfortunate that rock groups stick to this basic instrumentation when there are so many other insruments in the world. It would be interesting to hear, say, a bass clarinet or maracas in the mix.
Asteep, do you honestly think that electronic forms of music don’t require any talent? It’s called imagination. The very fact that most bands stick to the aforementioned line-up of gits/bass/drums shows a lack of imaginative thinking. A sythesizer or computer is really an bottomless trunk of possibilities. The sound library is only as limited as the mind of the person using it. Sure, you have to learn to play a guitar (which is pretty easy. I’m a lefty and I learned to play with the git upside-down, the strings backwards.) but computers, synths, drum machines… these things require knowledge, too. You’re only showing your own ignorance with comments like this.
@61 – what i’m gathering from your post, michael, is that an instrument’s limited tonal range and the ease with which someone can master it’s basics (as you’ve apparently mastered the guitar) inevitably renders the music it yields inferior to whatever the latest hip hop producer or electronic musician has going. by this line of reasoning, the saxophone, which many junior high school students learn to play in the 7th grade, with it’s limited tonal range (you can’t even play chords on it!), is inferior to your computer. And Ornette Coleman and Charlie Parker are less imaginative, skilled, innovative, and ultimately less-knowledgeable than someone with a working comprehension of the synthesizer.
I’ve gotta bring up one of your earlier points again: “Let’s not forget that the greatest musical developments in history have come from the underclass who cannot afford high end stereo equipment.” This is not a ringing endorsement for electronic music. The latest computer, synthesizer, and software is not as cheap as a pawn shop guitar. I’m not trying to devalue electronic music or hip hop, i’m just saying that it’s a pretty gross generalization to say that the standard guitar/bass/drums formula hasn’t yielded anything new in 30 years. Ever heard Battles? Khanate? Caspar Brotzmann Massaker? Trans Am? Deerhoof?
I’m all for the Tim Heckers and Fenneszs of the music world, but i can also see the beauty in Woody Guthrie’s mantra of “all you need is two chords and the rest is just showin’ off.”
Your on, Michaelaranda! I’ll debate you any day of the week and into the night. Meet me this Saturday at 8 PM at the Croc. Be there or you must respect my greatness.
1. Anyone who claims that “MP3s sound like shit” is, themselves, full of shit. As others have said, time and time again people with highly-trained ears can’t tell the difference between lossless and a well-encoded, high-rate MP3. It’s nothing more than self-satisfied snobbery not based in reality. The loudness wars are the problem, not MP3s.
2. #61: MARACAS? Really? Go put on an old Yo La Tengo album (CD, download, whatever) and try to find a track WITHOUT maracas. And shakers. Etc. Ditto for any not-really-loud indie rock right up to the present. Obviously, the maracas have been explored as far as they can, and your call for them to be included on contemporary musical recordings reveals your out-of-touch nature. Like the guitar and human voice, they are tired and should be abandoned as elements of human expression. Actually, let’s carry this beyond music. I say: abolish the sentence. And the color red. All trite and predictable. Let’s move forward, people.
But seriously, rejecting all guitar/bass/drums music as unimaginative because those instruments have been used previously is just completely inane. By your way of thinking, no one after Bach should have composed music for the keyboard or orchestra. And rock music is unchanged from 1979? Really? What do you listen to?
And what does the supposed irrelevance of the guitar have to do with the loudness wars, anyway? We’re talking about overly-compressed and limited audio masters, not guitars turned up to 11. Wrong “loudness,” maybe?
There are a couple of things I hate about this last decade of music.
1. The over-consumption, “Ballin” culture. I remember the year of ’99-00 and Korn made a comeback. And what were they sporting in their freak on a leash video? Gold chains, expensive clothes, expensive cars. It seems this last decade there was so much “look at how many expensive commodities I can acquire” in the music scene. MTV cribs did not help. All the glitz just takes away from the music, and all that bragging in the lyrics about what the musician has at their disposal is a waste of what could be something meaningful.
2. Backstage celebrity gossip. The trend grew and grew until I started hearing about Mariah Carey’s crazy woes on the nightly news. And Benifer would never end! It’s a distraction that again takes away from the music.
3. Our music television goes Reality! MTV in the 90’s use to have entire shows dedicated to showing music videos. Not TRL. But shows just for the Hip Hop scene, or just for Rock. Now it’s all reality tv. I suppose the internet and super satellite with 10 MTV channels might have remedied this, but it was sad to my old go to for music destroyed.
4. Marketing’s good ‘ol saying, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” really rang true this last decade. To me, and maybe because I’m just getting old, the music today doesn’t sound a whole lot different then the 90s and the marketing certainly hasn’t changed that much. A glamorized album cover photo of today’s “diva” doesn’t look that much different then those 10-15 years back. And yes, that is essentially the same choreography in her music video that I saw emerge in the mid 90s. Any new trends are simply throwbacks to another era. “Hey kids, if you love Gwen Stephani, then you’ll love the new Gwen Stephani cause now she comes with a new silver hat and stretch pants!”
But with all that said, just about the best thing to ever happen to music was the internet. Over this decade it has truly democratized, personalized, streamlined music for any taste.
Brian, I think the sax is a great instrument. Ornette Coleman is AMAZING. But where is rock’s modern-day Ornette Coleman? And hey, there ARE plently of ways to get instruments and equipment of any kind on the cheap.
I don’t think you really want me to write a whole manifesto here. Besides I’m saving that for my book. Seriously, name one artist or group that is doing something in ANY genre that isn’t tethered to the past.
To the guy who invited me to the Croc: I’d love to but I’m moving into a new apartment this saturday. I guess I’ll just have to bow to your greatness :]
Incidently, I have recently found that I like LCD Soundsystem quite a bit. It’s nothing terribly groundbreaking… I’m not the prick some of you seem to think I am.
I’d love to put together a more coherent post, but I have a life to attend to.
Later!
I’d like to quickly state that I am against human expression, especially in music. Emotion is the most contrived thing ever…
hehe….its like engaging a teenager in a philosophical debate about LIFE…maaan.
Wait.
What?
Is that a Mighty Mighty Bosstones poster in the illustration? Eep!
“Coming in here swinging my dick around, screaming like a crazy person, spouting a bunch of platitudes to illustrate my non-nuanced views sure gets the conversation rolling! I’ll debate any one of you anytime! Oh, um, I can’t do it tonight…yeah, tomorrow doesn’t really work for me, either. Actually, the, um, publishers- see, they don’t really want me to unleash my revolutionary ideas just yet is the thing. Um, I gotta go. Bye, suckers!”
For fans of underground music, browsing for music in record stores has never been that great. For me since I was a kid in the ’80s, my idea of browsing for music has mostly been the same, only the technology has changed it a bit. As a kid I bought shitloads of magazines and music fanzines from all over the world, read the interviews, reviews and recommendations, browsed the classifieds and ads, then mailordered my music. In the ’90s for a brief period a few indie/punk record stores (Fallout, Singles) carried maybe 25-50% of what I was interested in, but still by far the vast of my browsing wasn’t in record stores, it was in zines, and my buying was through mailorder. The only major change is now alot of the browsing is done online through music blogs and forums, band pages on MySpace and websites, and even the tiniest mailorders have their stock online or send it out to select music forums and list-serves and you can pay with Paypal. The only thing that’s really changed in the past 20 years the internet has made it a lot faster. I envy those of you that like more mainstream music and have always had the option of browsing it in the record store. For me browsing at the record store always meant flipping through a shitload of crap, being disappointed that most of the bands I was looking for weren’t stocked, and maybe getting lucky in finding a gem or two in the used bin. New stuff I’ve always bought more of by mailorder.
Wow, @39 and 67: Michaelarandra, I agree with YOU. Even though everyone disagreeing with you is the real expert in what music really is and what music really means, for some reason what you are saying sounds the most spot on and relevant.
Thanks.
You are just mad because nobody likes you enough to tell you the truth, and that the Stranger is for old people who don’t like change.