SLAPPA DA DICK, SCORE A LITTLE PORNSPANK
I’ve never been a man for porn. THIS IS NOT A LIE. However, allow me to amend ever so slightly: I’ve never been a man for porn except for after when the internet suddenly happened, which was coincidentally just about the same time my penis got really fascinating. The issue was pretty much entirely out of my hands at that juncture, ironically. Fait accompli, as they say in Nepal. Be that as it may or may not be maybe, there is this porn star whom we must urgently discuss… NOW. His name is Colby Keller. STOP RIGHT THERE. You have obviously recognized that he fulfills the first and most important criteria for any man WHO WILL MARRY ME AND SIT ON MY FACE FOREVER: an adorable name that has lots of “K” sounds in it. Mmmm, “K” sounds! They make my crotch growl. “Xs” are even sexier, of course, and let me tell you: If Colby Keller’s name were “Xolby Xeller,” my dick would probably have exploded to death by now. Indeed, I’ll admit that some people find my overwhelming fetish for “Ks” and “Xs” peculiar, which it might be, and perhaps just a shade too eccentric, which it definitely is, and to those people I say NOTHING, because FUCK THEM. (Haters gonna hate. XXX.)
The second thing we must discuss about Colby Keller is FUCKING LOOK AT HIM. Seriously. Drop the baby and google him, right now. DO IT. Now, see, let me explain to you: What you’re looking at here is MY FUCKING HUSBAND. And, as you’ve already guessed by now, Colby Keller (skkkweeeee!) is COMING TO SEATTLE for a special and pretty much naked appearance at the next installment of DICKSLAP at THE EAGLE.
Unfortunately, the power of Christ or something compels me to confess that, yes, THERE WILL BE A SPANKING BOOTH, and he’ll be manning it. Either you will spank him a little, or he’ll spank you a little, or maybe you’ll both get spanked and giggle and fall in love and THEN I’LL KILL YOU (it’s a promise), but you’ll have to get to him before I fagmarry his pants off so hard he’ll have to throw his underpants into the woods. It’s our destiny.
The event also features resident DJ Nark and special go-go guest, um, Karl Marxxx. Okay, my dick just exploded. (XXX!) The Eagle, 10 pm, $5 before 11 pm/$7 after, 21+.
