Kevin Cannon

Welcome! Bienvenue! Weeeeelllcome! My dear techies and other recent arrivals, that's a Cabaret reference, and if you're like, "Duh, I know, don't talk down to me just because I'm a techie, asshole!"—well, sorry. But if you didn't get to hear those words sung from the stage at Re-bar before that place was dwarfed by new towers, then you're probably a little bit new to town and maybe, just maybe, we've got some insight into this city that'll help you make your way.

I mean, who does not want to take an educational tour of Seattle with esteemed Stranger writer Charles Mudede, who the late blog Gawker (RIP) once described as "some sort of weird hybrid of Marie Antoinette and a class-deconstructing communist"? (The correct answer, if you're wondering, is no one. No one wants to miss a walking tour with Charles Mudede, especially not you. Take the Mudede walking tour!)

And hey, if you're already feeling a little defensive about all of this, a bit Seattle-splained to... don't. Because guaranteed, in a short time you'll be an advice-dispensing, Seattle-splaining old-timer yourself—just like the collection of one-year-in-Seattle "old-timers" we've assembled to give you "expert" advice on how to live your life! Like them, you'll soon be bitching about all the best Seattle things to bitch about—traffic, apartment prices, people who are newer than yourself. But be careful: Our handy guide will keep you from bitching about these things any sooner than you have a right to. You're welcome.

Oh, and speaking of apartment prices: We went to a bunch of Seattle neighborhoods and checked out what a bunch of different kinds of apartments in different price ranges actually look like on the inside. And we're not even taking a cut of your future rent for the service! Oh, okay, you actually don't like any of the living options we found? Already feel like this city is going to hell unless it gets some real leadership fast? Then you need to get up to speed on local and state politics. Reporter Heidi Groover helps you do just that; reporter Ana Sofia Knauf tells you how to fight Trump while you're fighting city hall; and reporter Sydney Brownstone explains the local homelessness crisis you've probably noticed while going, well, anywhere in town. Plus, information on where to get everything from a cheap haircut that doesn't suck to a good used bike and an abortion!

That should help you, newbies. And if it doesn't? Go take a ferry ride or stare at a mountain or—literally—jump in a lake (in the summer, not now, that would be bonkers). If that's too much exertion, rent one of those hot tub boats on Lake Union or, if that's too expensive, buy one legal joint of weed and take Mudede's walking tour backward. You could be in a worse place.