They dropped their drinks and ran

Wed March 3, 1:14 am: A loyal janitor at a local diner reported to his boss that for the past few weeks, a less loyal employee, "Raquel," had been in the habit of inviting friends into the restaurant after hours. The manager had noticed irregularities in his stock, and told the janitor to call him the next time Raquel had a late-night gathering.

On Tues March 2, the manager closed up at approximately 10 pm and went home. Raquel did not work that day; the only person left in the restaurant was the janitor. At 11:30 pm, as the manager was preparing for bed, the janitor called to inform him that Raquel was back and busy serving free drinks to her comrades. Before the manager sped off to the restaurant, he called the police for back-up. When they arrived, they found well over 10 people enjoying beer and mixed drinks. Empty cups, glasses, and bottles were spread all over the restaurant; the manager was astonished at the scale of their consumption! Seeing that the game was up, the drinkers tried to run away, but the cops were able to round them all up and determine their identities (all were minors between the ages of 18 and 19, and came from Shoreline). The minors were released--but not before being banned from the business for one year. Raquel was not so lucky. She was fired on the spot, then taken to headquarters, where she was booked for contributing to the delinquency of minors. Raquel is 28 years old.

By some miracle he wasn't hit

Thurs March 3, 10:30 pm: A man strolling northbound on 34th Ave E heard gunshots coming from the 3500 block of E John St. Concerned, he headed westbound on E John to check on his neighbors. As he was walking, a large tan car drove past him--an older American-made sedan--and turned left to go southbound on 34th Ave E. By the time the man reached the middle of the block, the same sedan appeared around the opposite end of the block. Its headlights were now off, and it approached him very slowly. When the car was alongside of him, a figure in the front passenger seat pointed a weapon at him and fired one rapid round. The man dove to the ground--by some miracle, some inexplicable system of luck, he was not hit. He sustained only a few bruises on the palm of his hand, caused by the sudden fall. The police did an area search for evidence and found two shell casings for a 9mm. Officer Nguyen placed the shells into evidence.

I smoked crack many times before

Central District
Fri March 4, 6:16 pm: A woman arrived home from work today to find her friend pounding the walls of her bathroom. The deranged friend moaned and screamed like something out of hell as he pounded his fists into the walls. Stunned, the woman left her apartment, crossed the street, and called the police. When the police arrived, she explained the situation and recommended that her friend receive mental health assistance. Making note of her suggestion, Officer D. Strangeland entered the apartment and found the suspect sitting on the bathroom floor, with his knees up to his chest. The suspect's knuckles were bloody, and there was blood on the floor and a large dent in the bathroom wall. When interviewed, the suspect stated that he had smoked crack just two hours ago: this was what caused the sudden spell of insanity. He also stated that he had smoked crack many times before, but never with such a violent reaction. As for being "mental" and needing "assistance," the man stated that he was not at all suicidal, that he wanted to live, and, for the most part, was in possession of his mind. The woman was not attacked during her friend's violent spasm and did not wish to prosecute for damages. She also stressed that the two are not in a "domestic relationship."

Slice someone's neck good

Central District
Sat March 5, 2:00 pm: Police were dispatched to investigate a report of a young girl sobbing on the front porch of a Massachusetts St home. When they arrived, they found a young girl wearing hospital scrubs loaned to her by a kind resident of that street. She told the police that she had been driving around the neighborhood with some friends, when one of them, a woman named Lard, said she liked the shoes she was wearing (a $70 pair of Nikes). Lard told the girl to remove the shoes and give them to her--then she flashed a black-handled knife to let her know she meant business. Lard then told the girl that her knife could "slice someone's neck good." When they got to 33 Massachusetts St, Lard had the girl remove not only her shoes, but all her clothes (a Gap jacket valued at $24 and Gap pants valued at $28), and told the near-naked girl to get out of the car. They abandoned her on the corner.

The police drove the victim home. As they approached her home on Spring St, the victim recognized Lard walking up the street (she lived nearby). The audacious Lard was wearing her clothes! The police contacted Lard at 23rd & Union, and during a pat-down for weapons, found a black-handled knife. Lard was hand-cuffed, double-locked, and placed in the back of the police car. This incident was screened by Sergeant Best.