Breaking Bills
West Seattle

Tues June 1, 10 pm: Two women walked into an Arco gas station and asked the cashier to break a crisp $100 bill. The cashier refused, causing the women to become angry and accuse the cashier of having an "attitude problem." Thinking they could outsmart the Arco employee, one of the women grabbed a couple of cans of beer and tried to buy them with the large bill. The cashier refused to make the sale, accusing the woman of having her own "attitude problem." The situation was degenerating fast. The woman with the beers and the $100 bill got so mad, she pushed the debit machine off the counter. Her friend grabbed a portable handicapped parking sign and struck the cashier on the head with it, leaving a two-inch scratch on her jaw. The cashier's sister, who was also working in the gas station, defended her sister by grabbing a portable coffee machine and throwing it at the woman with the handicapped sign. Coffee flew everywhere as the two women ran out with their $100 bill intact.

Get Out of Jail Free
First Hill

Wed June 2, 10:32 am: A man being pushed in a wheelchair by his wife rolled into a local hospital and began yelling at his doctor. After this encounter, he left the hospital muttering mean little things about "putting a bullet to a head." The doctor was alarmed by these threats because the man in the wheelchair--who had asked the physician to write a note saying he was too sick to serve jail time for a crime he had committed--was known to have a violent temper. The doctor had actually written a version of the note, but the man felt it lacked the dramatic language necessary to persuade a jaded judge, and wanted a new and improved letter. The doctor refused to rewrite the letter--and this, as you may have guessed, was what all the fuss was about. Though the doctor was busy with a patient when the cops arrived to investigate, his colleague assured them he would call if the criminal returned to the hospital.

Path of Most Resistance
West Seattle

Wed June 2, 10:45 pm: Officer Patrick Chang of the South Precinct was sent to investigate a hit-and-run on Spokane Street. At the scene, he was approached by a man who spoke with a voice-amplifying device. The man told this story: He was walking down the road when he heard a car approaching from behind at a very high speed. When he turned around to look, the car ran into him. He rolled onto the hood, flopped onto the windshield, and was laying on the roof when the car--a Mercedes Benz--finally came to a stop. The driver got out of the car and, instead of helping the injured man or even checking to see whether he was alive, grabbed him and threw his body onto a fence on the west side of the road. The Mercedes, which was occupied by four "white yuppies," then sped away.

Officer Chang noticed that the man was drunk and became suspicious of his story when he could not produce a bruise or cut from the impact of the hit-and-run. The man also declined medical attention and "did not appear to be in pain."

The officer searched the neighborhood, and managed to find the Mercedes the man had described. He tracked down the owner, a 37-year-old man, who gave him this account of what had happened: He, his parents, and a dog were in the car heading home when they came across a man walking slowly in the middle of the narrow residential road. When they honked at him to get out of the way, the man turned and gave them the finger. He stood belligerently on the road, refusing to let the Mercedes pass. Frustrated, the driver got out of the car and physically removed "the overly dramatic" man from the street, who cursed at them through his voice amplification device as they drove away.

After careful consideration, Officer Chang concluded that "the evidence does not support [the drunk man's] version of events."

Panty Raid
Northgate

Thurs June 3, 3:25 pm: The exit alarm at Victoria's Secret went off just in time for employees to see a man in khaki pants and a baseball hat carrying away a bag full of stolen merchandise. The thief was never caught, but an inventory of the store revealed these items to be missing: five silk pajama tops, two silk kimonos, five silk drawstring pants, plus one long silk bridal robe and one short silk bridal robe.

Tender Asshole
Capitol Hill

Thurs June 3, 5:27 pm: A woman living in an apartment building on Melrose Ave reported to police that for nearly two years she has endured unpleasant comments from another tenant in her building. In the past, whenever she encountered this man (who is always intoxicated) in the lobby or elevator, he would talk, without fail, about the possibility of having sex with her. When she got married recently, she informed the saucy tenant of her new status. But rather than deter him, the man became vicious and called her an obese and detestable woman. Then on June 3, she was in an ascending elevator with the boozer; he turned to her and complained that she was still "gaining weight." The woman started to cry, and the man became gentle and placed a hand on her left shoulder. She pulled away and got out of the elevator when it stopped. Police tracked the mean man down at his apartment, but he was so drunk they couldn't get a coherent statement out of him.