True Confessions/Capitol Hill/Fri July 7/5:12 pm: This afternoon, Officer Len Carver III was dispatched to a street corner to gather a confession. Upon arrival, he walked up to a white female who was sitting on the sidewalk next to a pay phone. "Do you want to talk to the police?" Officer Len Carver III asked. "Yes, I do," she said, and proceeded to tell him that on July 4 she went down to Roy, WA and burgled a home. Then she walked over to another house and stole a dog. "Did you know the owner?" asked the concerned cop. "No," she replied, "but another person does." As she made her confession, she continually looked over her shoulder at another person standing on the sidewalk across the street. "Is that the friend?" Officer Len Carver III asked. She admitted that it was her friend, and suddenly burst into tears. After regaining her composure, she resumed her confession. She said she'd also broken into an apartment in Bellevue and stolen money. "Could you help me surrender to the cops in Bellevue?" she asked. Officer Len Carver III promised that he would. As they prepared to leave the corner, the teary-eyed confessor asked the officer if she could say goodbye to her friend, who was still watching them from across the street. The big-hearted cop agreed and drove her over to bid farewell. "What [the hell] do you want?" asked the burglar's friend. "Your friend wants to say goodbye," explained the officer. "I told him everything," added the confessor from the back seat, and after they exchanged a few emotional words, Officer Len Carver III drove her to the cop shop.

Charles in Charge!/West Seattle/Fri July 7/ 11:33 pm: Charles, who lives near Alki Beach, was in his bed sleeping when he heard someone enter his house. Charles rose from his bed and found a woman he knew in his home. He told her to "get out of here." She did not obey, so Charles grabbed her by the shoulders, shoved her out the front door, and slammed it shut. Charles then stepped out onto the front deck and found the pitiful soul on his lawn. "You are not welcome here again!" Charles said angrily. The woman, who weighs 100 pounds, bent over, pulled her pants down, and said, "You think I have a fat ass?" Charles demanded that she get off his property this instant! The woman finally left and he called the police. "She was my former girlfriend," Charles told Officer Slaughter. "She always wanted more out of our relationship." Slaughter advised Charles to get a no-contact order.

The Bodyguard/Downtown/Sat July 8/ 1:00 am: A man wearing sandals, a black fleece pullover, and grey pants walked into the Four Seasons Hotel and approached the main counter. He told the on-duty hotel employee that he was the bodyguard for a "well-known celebrity" (Whitney Houston?), and that he needed to inspect the suite that his employer was thinking about leasing. The bodyguard, who had a barbed wire tattoo on his bulging left biceps, was escorted to the room by hotel security. The bodyguard checked out the room for several minutes: He looked out the windows, searched under the couch and bed, and examined the bathroom. Everything looked fine, he said. He returned to the main counter and informed the hotel employee that he was going to check in, and that he wished to store a gun in the hotel safe-deposit box. The night cashier led the bodyguard to the safe-deposit box area and the bodyguard deposited "something" into a box and left the hotel, promising that he would be back in a moment. The bodyguard never returned. The hotel staff became concerned about what was in the safe-deposit box and called the police. When the cops arrived, they drilled the safe-deposit box open and found it was empty. The hotel staff looked at each other with puzzled looks. The cops did not have a clue. Even God up in Heaven was scratching his head. The whole thing didn't make any fucking sense.