The Guinea Pig/Greenwood/Fri Sept 1/2 pm: The manager of a pet store on Aurora Ave called the police to report this crime: At around 4 pm, a woman with hazel eyes walked into the pet store with her son to buy a cat. The excited boy picked out a cat, but then said he also wanted a guinea pig. His understanding mom said she'd buy both creatures, but when the cashier rung up the total, the mother realized she didn't have enough cash. "Just ring us up for the guinea pig," said the mother. But when she was rung up for just the guinea pig, it turned out she still didn't have enough money! What's a mother to do? She handed her son the guinea pig and both walked out the store without paying. The manager was so impressed with this brazen family crime that it took her a whole day to come to her senses and report it to the cops.

Get Some Sleep/Wallingford/Fri Sept 8/4:30 am: Early, early this morning, Officer Emerick and his partner responded to a disturbance involving two lovers. The story went something like this: The female lover accused the male lover of still loving his female ex-lover. This treachery was evidenced in the fact that the male lover possessed items that belonged to his female ex-lover. When he claimed the items meant nothing to him, his distrusting lover tossed them out the window. The male lover felt she had gone too far this time, so he called 911. After listening to this story, the cops advised the lovers "to simply leave each other alone and try to get some sleep."

The Big Bulge/Rainier Valley/Sun Sept 10/ 6:02 am: I have neither the desire nor the time to explain the events that led up to this excellent paragraph written by Officer O'Cleary, so just enjoy it as it stands!

"The victim described the suspect as Hispanic or 'gypsy' male, with dark hair and mustache, wearing a DK jacket, striped shirt, DK pants, and black back pack. He had a very large groin area. At approximately 0644, I located a suspect walking N/B on Rainier Av. S at N Andover St. matching this description. I stopped the suspect [and determined his name to be Mr. X.]. On a routine pat-down search for weapons I noticed a large bulge in the suspect's groin area. I asked [Mr. X.] what that was and he replied, 'That [there] is where I keep my penis.'"

Simply Broadway/Capitol Hill/Sun Sept 10/11 pm: As always, Humbert walked into the bar on Broadway and ordered a beer. The bartender, Mrs. Haze, told him no way. Humbert then asked if he could talk to Dolly--a more sympathetic bartender who'd certainly attend to his needs. Mrs. Haze said no again. Just then the manager of the bar, Quilty, walked in with a cook who had just cut his finger with a sharp kitchen knife. Quilty immediately noticed Humbert. "You, get out!" Quilty said imperiously. "You are 86'd from here." Humbert obediently left the bar. A few minutes later, Quilty was outside at the back of the bar examining and treating the cook's wound when Humbert, who was standing in a nearby parking lot, asked if he was 86'd from the restaurant section as well. Quilty turned to him and said yes. Humbert then asked he if was allowed to walk through the restaurant. Quilty said no. Humbert then got angry and said he owned a hair salon in a big downtown building, and Quilty and Haze were not allowed to walk through it! Quilty had had enough of Humbert's harassment and walked back into the bar with the wounded cook. Humbert was last seen walking in the direction of Hamburger Mary's. (The names in this report have been changed to protect the guilty.)