The Thug from Othello Street/Rainier Valley/ Fri Sept 1/Noon: There's this six-foot thug who goes by the name of "Flu." He has a goatee, short hair, lots of muscles, and enjoys nothing more than bullying innocent people on Othello Street into giving him money. Flu's last victim was a young woman who was sitting at a bus stop. As always, he approached his victim and asked if she had money. She told him "no," which just happened to be the one word in the English language that has no currency in Flu's world. The beast rudely reached into her pants pockets and pulled out a $100 bill. He then said "thanks," and headed southbound on Rainier Avenue.

Monster of the Forest/Madison Park/Tues Sept 12/5:22 pm: This criminal is a sick man! Indeed, he is not a man but an ape. His thing is to sneak up behind happy kids hanging out at the Arboretum and "smash chewing gum into [their] hair." The ape then scampers off into the woods as the children cry and call for their mommies. The last time he committed this awful and certainly traumatizing crime, he was wearing an Alien Nation T-shirt.

Silver Handgun Mama/West Seattle/Sat Sept 16/7:30 am: Though this criminal is petite--she weighs only 98 pounds--she is armed and dangerous. Her choice of weapon? A silver handgun, which she carries in her black purse. The last crime she committed took place in the parking garage of her apartment building. It happened like this: Early in the morning, she entered the parking garage and saw two women she didn't particularly like, so she walked up to them, brandished her silver handgun, and threatened to use the weapon if she ever saw them in her area again. The two victims fearfully fled, and now beg the police for protection from the devil woman in the parking garage.

The Criminal Lovers/Downtown/Mon Sept 18/2:14 pm: There's a male and female couple in Seattle who never stop at halfway when it comes to crime. For them, only the big crimes matter: kidnapping, torture, drugs, and guns. The last crime they committed involved kidnapping and torturing a woman who, the week before, had stolen their drugs and gun. It happened like this: They spotted the woman on the street, grabbed her, took her to their hotel room, and duct-taped her to a chair. Then, in an attempt to get information about their gun and coke, they took turns zapping her with a Taser. They zapped her 100 times! But still she refused to reveal the location of their illegal stuff. The criminals then took their hostage to the bathroom and cut off her hair, so as "to make her ugly." As the two were laughing hyena-like at their humiliated victim, she made her spectacular escape to safety and sanity.

Community Criminal/West Seattle/Tues Sept 19/3:27 pm: This criminal, who goes by the street moniker "Curl," derives all of his earthly pleasures from harassing the helpless tenants who live in an apartment complex on 17th Ave SW. He throws bricks at their windows, trespasses on their property, and causes disturbances and suffering at every opportunity. Indeed, things are so bad that pizza delivery people, whom he assaults and robs whenever they attempt to deliver pizza, now refuse to service the apartment complex. Curl's last reported crime was threatening a tenant's kids with nothing less than death. This, of course, greatly concerns the parents, who have yet to find peace and happiness in this world bedeviled by Curl.

The Lake Demon/Greenlake/Tues Sept 19/ Time Unknown: This suspect has "a build like a football player but [is] not obese." He also stoops a bit, and has facial hair. His thing is to masturbate as he jogs around the lake. This is amazing! Indeed, if he can maintain an erection, masturbate, and jog at the same time, Police Beat is certain that he is not of this world, but a pervert from another planet.