Shoveling Shit in Hell/West Seattle/Tues Jan 9/Noon: These were not the best of times for a West Seattle man named Bones. He was homeless, and dead broke. So he asked a close friend who lives on 12th Ave SW if he could stay at her place for a short while. The woman refused to let him into her home because he had a serious drug and alcohol problem. But she still liked Bones and wanted to help him out, so she asked her friend who lives on Charlestown Street if Bones could crash at his place for a short while. The man agreed. Bones was pleased. He moved in, but after a few days he "wore out his welcome."

The Charlestown Street man called the 12th Ave SW woman and kindly asked her to take Bones away. The woman refused, and hung up the phone. Frustrated, the man decided "it was time for a more motivating conversation." So he called her again and demanded that she come to his home immediately and remove Bones. Again, she rejected the request. The man exploded and yelled, "I'll blow up your house! I'll shoot you and give you a job shoveling shit in hell!" The woman hung up the phone. But the devil continued to call her, making the same supernatural threats.

When Officer W. J. McKenzie investigated the matter, he discovered that the devil was on probation and the subject of numerous incidents involving the law. Officer W. J. McKenzie advised the 12th Ave SW woman to use "the line trap via US West [now called Qwest] and seek an anti-harassment order." Sadly, Officer W. J.McKenzie neglected to mention the fate of Bones, the wandering junkie.

A Menace to Safeway/Capitol Hill/Tues Jan 16/5:10 pm: Today, Officer Upton contacted a victim and was told this dreadful story: While shopping for groceries in the Safeway on John Street, a stranger came up to her and started punching her in the face. The stranger then grabbed hold of her ponytail and said he had just been released from the penitentiary and wanted to kick some ass. Another woman, who happened to see the ex-convict clobbering the helpless victim, grabbed him from behind and pulled him off of her. Facing two women, the convict opted to flee the supermarket and was last scene driving off in a Hertz rental car. The woman suffered a bump on the head, but declined medical attention.

Obey All Laws/West Seattle/Wed Jan 17/2 am: If there is one thing that Officer Poblocki knows, it is the look of criminal activity. This is why when he saw a red Mustang parked in an alley, he turned on the siren lights and stopped behind the suspicious car. A white female and male were sitting in the red Mustang. Officer Poblocki asked the woman, who was in the driver's seat, why she was parked in the alley. She explained that her car was having battery problems. After asking her a few more questions, he asked the man, whose eyes were wide open and electric, if he had consumed any drugs. The man said yes, he had "snorted a few lines of methamphetamine earlier." Officer Poblocki then ran a check of the suspect's name, Derrek D., on the cop computer, and it informed him that he was a convicted felon on active probation. The conditions of his release from prison where these: "No controlled-substance use, no drug paraphernalia, no drug possession, and obey all laws!"

Officer Poblocki placed Derrek D. under arrest and searched the red car for illegal items. He found a stack of license plates, 24 grams of methamphetamine, some marijuana, and a gun. At this point it was evident to everybody that Derrek D. was truly fucked. His time with the free had come to an end, and he was soon to return to that familiar world behind iron bars.