Virtual Crime/Seattle and Durham, England/Wed March 14/Noon: According to reliable sources, while the NASDAQ was busy losing an estimated $4.6 trillion, a British subject in Durham and an American citizen in Seattle conducted a business transaction over the once promising but now troubled Internet. After exchanging electric letters, both parties agreed upon a price for a desired item. The British buyer then sent the American seller a digital representation of £4,886.45 from her electronic bank account. The seller's electronic bank account registered the information and promptly converted it into 7,000 American dollars. The American seller then sent the buyer a digital photograph of the item, but she was unable to convert the American photo into a British reality. The result was a very primitive theft. She informed the Central Investigation Department of the crime, which then digitally forwarded the complaint to the Seattle Police Department via the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

The Great DVD-CD Caper/Seattle and Amsterdam/Tues March 20/10 am: Rem Koolhaas is the famous Dutch architect who was commissioned last year to design the new $159 million central library. This is common knowledge for any news-reading Seattleite. What no one knows is this story: A woman from the 1000 block of South Henderson Street stole 95 DVDs and 129 CDs from the downtown library and managed to sell her loot to Pawn X-change for $4,200! Police Beat is impressed on two accounts: (1) the woman had the nerve, energy, and patience to steal so many DVDs and CDs over a four-month period! (2) Pawn X-change offers that kind of money for used DVDs and CDs. Indeed, Police Beat plans to pay the store a visit with a heavy load of unwanted compact discs.

The Aftermath/Seattle and Los Angeles/Tues March 27/8:27 pm: Eight years, 11 months, and 323 days after the L.A. riots, an elderly man visiting Seattle from the sunny city of angels lost his hearing aid in a downtown hotel room. This is his story: After a day on the town, he returned to his room to go to sleep. Before entering his bed, he placed his tiny hearing aid on the night table. But when he awoke the following morning it was gone! He looked all over his room for it, but failed to find it. The hearing aid is very small. He told the investigating officer, "It's normally hidden in [my] ear canal." The officer made notes and handed him an incident number. Later that day, the now half-deaf man returned to his L.A. home and with his better ear called the hotel personnel to see if they had located his expensive device (it cost $2,500). They had not, but the polite desk person promised they would call him if it happened to return to the world of visible things.

The End of Happy Dog Days/Seattle and San Francisco/Sat March 31/11:30 pm: Since Diane Whippe was mauled to death by two sexually abused dogs named Bane and Hera on January 26 (according to reports, they were abused by their adoptive parents--two lawyers), dogs around America have entered a deep recession. They are low on the human love list, and high on the things to fear list. Case in point: On Saturday night, a Capitol Hill dog lunged at a man and bit his legs, ripping his pants to nothing. The dog had its shots, the owner was apologetic, and the victim's wounds were treated. But after the San Francisco mauling, no dog-bites-man incident is considered minor--it is immediately projected onto the big screen of America's current obsession. Officer Peloquin, who investigated this particular animal incident, wasted no time arresting the suspect hound and took the dog to the center of dog doom: Animal Control. Considering the national climate, Police Beat is almost certain the Capitol Hill dog is now with Bane and Hera in that afterworld that awaits all canines. Indeed, dogs, teens, sheep, cows, and the stock market are having a terrible year.