MONDAY, APRIL 13 This week of maligned marijuana, enlightened anti-vaxxers, and photographic evidence of rape culture in action kicked off in the for-profit torture chamber of a commercial airliner, where the typically hellish experience of flying—built on the theory that all humans are lithe creatures whose arms hang down the front of their bodies like suspenders rather than progress outward from their shoulders like arms—took an exceedingly mind-fucky turn thanks to the screams heard coming from the cargo hold. Our setting: the airspace just south of Sea-Tac International Airport, where this afternoon, passengers on an Alaska Airlines flight headed for Los Angeles reported hearing bangs and screams coming from beneath the cabin. The source of the bangs and screams: the Alaska Airlines ramp agent who had fallen asleep in the plane’s cargo hold and awoke when the plane took flight. “The pilot of Alaska Airlines Flight 448, bound for Los Angeles, reported hearing noises from beneath the aircraft within 14 minutes of taking off Monday afternoon,” reported the Seattle Times. “The captain declared an emergency for priority landing and returned to Sea-Tac… The flight duration, including takeoff and landing, was 22 minutes.” Lucky for the sleepy but uninjured ramp agent, the cargo hold of the Boeing 737-900 is pressurized and temperature controlled, and the drug test he was made to take this evening was negative…
