Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where the news cycle has been dominated for months by a disliked dimwit charlatan who, impossibly, has amassed a staggering amount of power. We speak, of course, of Ben Affleck—who appeared on this very page last week, following news that the stupid tattoo that covers his entire back was not, as Affleck claimed, for a movie, but is, in fact, real. But now for an even more awkward rumor: According to the Hollyweird gossip mill, Ben has decided he doesn’t want to be Batman anymore, and is begging Warner Bros. to let him out of his vacuum-sealed bat-themed fetish costume contract. Fingers crossed he’s stuck playing Batman forever—the only thing making those movies tolerable is knowing poor widdle Ben is as miserable making them as we are watching them.
MEANWHILE… STOP LETTING HARRISON FORD FLY AIRPLANES. Just two years after Ford crash-landed a plane on a Santa Monica golf course—which followed his 1999 helicopter crash-landing and a 2000 incident in which his Beechcraft Bonanza plane “scraped the runway during an emergency landing”—NBC reports that today Ford, flying another of his private planes, was “instructed to land on runway 20-L at John Wayne Airport in Orange County, California, but mistakenly aimed for a taxiway, instead. His plane passed over the top of an American Airlines 737 carrying 110 passengers and a six-person crew.” NBC adds, “Ford, 74, was heard on air traffic control recordings asking, ‘Was that airliner meant to be underneath me?’” Okay, gramps—time to hand over the keys. (Hey, George Lucas! Will you build a little Millennium Falcon cockpit in Harrison’s garage that he can “fly”? Trust us, he’ll never know the difference.)