She’s Got Legs
Central District
Mon March 29, 8 pm: Recently the boyfriend of a Yesler Way woman decided his girlfriend should become a nude dancer and professional escort. Previously, the couple had dated without incident for four years. Although the woman had no interest in this line of work, her so-called boyfriend did everything he could to pressure her into it: in his bolder moments, he threatened to cut off her legs, beat up her dad, and shoot up her grandmother’s house. This was not the first time her boyfriend had forced her into something extreme. Thanks to his prodding, she got his name tattooed on her upper leg–a tattoo he threatened to cut from her flesh during a recent argument. The boyfriend also forced the woman to exercise rigorously at the YMCA on 23rd and Olive, apparently in preparation for escort work. “He wants me to be in shape,” she told police, “so I look good.”
Police Beat was shocked to learn that this man also had a second girlfriend, whom he openly dated. The two women talked quite a bit (having come to an understanding), and number two told number one that she was also being threatened and forced into rigorous exercise. Woman number one filed a report with the police, claiming she feared for her life. “He wears baggy sweat suits,” woman number one reported, adding that he has mastered “several martial arts.” The boyfriend (and aspiring pimp) also reportedly possesses a gallery of sharp knives, automatic guns, and martial arts weapons.
The Vacuums of Destiny
West Seattle
Wed March 31, 6:42 am: A male living on 26th Place SW filed a noise complaint
against the Destiny Ministries, an African American church–not due to the sounds
of enthusiastic worship or exuberant singing, but because church members were
making excessive noise while vacuuming their vehicles in the parking lot. This
wasn’t the man’s first complaint against the church: he has made several calls
to 911 regarding the overwhelming noise from the vacuums, which are situated
50 to 60 yards from his house. When police arrived in response to his latest
call, they found only one car in the parking lot, and were unable to hear the
cacophony of vacuum cleaners. Church members told police that the neighbor’s
complaints were race-related, as he was “Anglo-Saxon.” Sensing a delicate and
potentially explosive situation, our Seattle Police Department promised to work
very closely with all parties, so as to resolve this matter in a universally
satisfactory manner. Watch this space for updates.
‘I’m a Human!’
City Bus
Wed March 31, 12:05 pm: Riders of Metro bus route 925 took notice when a
coughing and hacking man boarded the bus. The man sat down behind a woman who
would soon become his victim, as he directed his expectoration at the back of
her neck. Disgusted, the victim noted that she was being showered with his “sick
saliva,” and recommended the man be “polite” and cover his mouth. The suspect
responded by calling the victim a “bitch,” and informed her that if she didn’t
shut her mouth, he would punch her. The victim told the suspect that, in fact,
she was not a bitch; rather, she was a human being. The suspect responded to
this positive self-affirmation by negatively hitting her in the face. The victim
then responded in kind, hitting the suspect in the face. At this, the suspect
stood up and punched the victim several times in the area of her head. After
a few blows were exchanged, the victim yelled “Assault!” causing the driver
to stop the bus. The suspect immediately exited the bus, fleeing in an unknown
direction. The driver stated that he didn’t see any of the assault. An area
check by Sgt. Roger Rusness and his partners produced three males as possible
suspects; but the victim (who was left with a swollen lip) could not make a
positive ID.
Sexy Setup
Green Lake
Wed March 31, 9:38 pm: Undercover detectives disguised as sexy prostitutes
(one calling herself “Fudge”) took a bite out of crime as they descended upon
Aurora Ave N and arrested men agreeing “to pay a fee for sex.” The men who fell
into this perfect trap came from an amazingly diverse array of backgrounds:
among those arrested were a computer technician, a grocery clerk, a student
from North Seattle Community College, and a funeral director. The suspects did
have one thing in common, however: all were charged with solicitation and booked
into King County Jail.
In a lonely place
Somewhere in the city
Thurs April 1, 2:58 am: Depressed about losing her job at Barnes & Noble,
a woman committed suicide tonight. A close friend, who had known the deceased
for six or seven years, stated that when she saw her last, the woman seemed
acutely depressed regarding her job prospects. A psychiatrist who had been observing
the woman over the last four to six weeks of her life stated that during their
last discussion, the deceased had expressed great interest in getting her job
back at Barnes & Noble–but apparently, fate was not on her side. Hope was all
the woman had left, and losing this, she made her final exit from this, our
sad world.
