Climate change a bust for cool weather. A boon for dermatologists. Credit: GETTY IMAGES
Climate change a bust for cool weather. A boon for dermatologists.
Climate change a bust for cool weather. A boon for dermatologists. GETTY IMAGES

Happy New Year from the new Slog AM intern: The year isn’t the only thing that changed over the holidays, but first let’s get to the news…

Feeling hot, hot, hot: Let’s all say it together: 2018 WAS ONE OF THE HOTTEST YEARS ON RECORD. If it feels like you have to say that every year, it’s because you do. Seattle saw its fifth-hottest year in the last seven decades, with the top three slots all occurring in the last five years. That’s not the only record we broke; we spent 32 days above 85 degrees this year and only received one abysmal inch of rain from May through August. And I haven’t even gotten to the best part! Thanks to El Nino, 2019 may be THE hottest year ever recorded.

New year, new laws: Did you know you’re allowed to bring a miniature horse on an airplane? If I saw Lil’ Sebastian on my flight, I would lose my shit. Redefining what qualifies as a service animal is just one of the new laws that went into effect at the stroke of midnight New Year’s day. Perhaps more importantly, you have to be 21 to buy a semiautomatic weapon (how was that not already a law?), health plans have to cover contraceptives, and the minimum wage went up statewide.

Huskies come home without a rose: With a first half that looked less inspired than a Chainsmokers song, the Huskies lost 28-23 to Ohio State at the Rose Bowl. A last-minute comeback had UW fans everywhere thinking desperately, “All they have to do is score in the next 20 seconds, get a two-point conversion, then an onside kick, march down the field, and then score again.” Now Chris Peterson, Washington State’s highest-paid public employee, is facing tough questions about why the team looked like a band of hungover baby deer for most of the game.

Storms a brewin’: I hope you enjoyed the blue skies and bright sunshine peeking through your blinds yesterday morning to make the New Year’s hangover even worse, because wind and rain are on their way.

A Shutdown Christmas Carol: (But only if you sing in the tune of “Twelve Days of Christmas):

On the twelfth day of the shutdown, my president gave to me
420,000 unpaid workers
380,000 furloughed employees
One new Congress
A constant Twitter shitstorm
And an op-ed from Mitt Romney.

Tequila is poison: I’ve never related to anyone more than I do to Anderson Cooper struggling to take tequila shots on national television. What, CNN couldn’t throw this man a lime?!

Three found dead in Port Angeles: A man, his 27-year-old son, and the son’s 26-year-old girlfriend were found fatally shot at a Port Angeles property. The police were responding to a welfare check when they found the two men covered by a tarp in the driveway and the woman in a nearby shed. Authorities have yet to identify any suspects and they are treating this as a triple homicide.

Distant planet or NSFW?

To Pluto and beyond: While the world was celebrating the New Year, NASA scientists were monitoring a satellite flyby four billion miles away, the farthest anyone has ever attempted. And what did they get for all their hard work? A pixelated picture of a bowling pin-looking icy world called Ultima Thule that’s only 21 miles long. The full cache of data will take a full 20 months to make the trip back to Earth.

Border Patrol fires tear gas… again: A group of about 150 migrants trying to cross under and over the San Diego border fence was met with pepper spray and tear gas after some people allegedly started throwing rocks at border agents.

Netflix bows to Saudi Arabia: At the Saudi government’s request, Netflix pulled an episode of The Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj where Minhaj eviscerates the cover-up and murder of Jamal Khashoggi, the Saudi journalist murdered in Turkey. Minhaj joked, “This is the most unbelievable cover story since Blake Shelton won sexiest man alive.” Netflix, this is fucked up! I’m canceling my subscripti… wait what’s that? New season of Stranger Things is coming soon? Goddamnit, take my money.

Howdy y’all: My New Year’s resolution is to not go to sleep and wake up so late. So what better way to stick to it than to give myself no other choice? For the next few months, I’ll be bringing you all the news that’s fit to print (please don’t sue us New York Times) every morning, and I couldn’t be more excited. But if we are going to start our day together then we should probably get to know each other.

I’m not really a Seattleite (super awkward name by the way), I’m actually a Chicagoan (I guess that doesn’t roll off the tongue, either). I came out to the great Pacific Northwest four and a half years ago with a closet full of flannels and a blooming caffeine addiction to attend the University of Washington where I studied biology and journalism. Yeah, I know, weird mix—but get ready for some crazy science content coming your way! We’re talking cures for cancer, CRISPR babies, and maybe some tales from UW’s famous “Bar Lab” where they uncover the mysteries of getting fucked up.

You’re probably a busy person so here’s a quick lightning round: I prefer Timothy over Tim, just please don’t call me Timmy. My spirit animal is a hawksbill sea turtle. If I could kiss one guy, it’d be the ghost of Heath Ledger. My ultimate music festival headliners would be Gorillaz, Ween, and Daft Punk in that order. I turned 23 just five days ago, and I don’t feel any different. My favorite Seattle restaurant is Village Sushi; it’s the closest I’ve come to seeing God. I’m not religious, but I did pretend to be every Sunday for the first 12 years of my life.

Now I need to get to know you, so send me your New Year’s resolutions! Don’t pay attention to the fact that 60 percent of you will fail miserably by June. It’s the thought that counts. The Stranger hasn’t set me up with an e-mail account yet* but come find me on Twitter (@timothyfkenney) or Facebook and slide them into the DMs.**

* Editor’s Note: But c’mon, did you really expect us to?

** You can also e-mail them to ngraham@thestranger.com for now, and she’ll forward them to Timothy.

Timothy Kenney is a former Slog AM intern. He's written for multiple Seattle outlets, helped CNN cover a mudslide in Sierra Leone, and almost threw up on James Franco once.