January 20 (Day 1): President-elect Jill Stein draws criticism for refusing to take the oath of office on the Bible, which, in a statement, she referred to as "an old book full of patriarchal, Judeo-Christian hysteria," choosing instead to be sworn in by placing her hand on a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. Stein also made headlines by altering the text of the oath itself. After saying, "I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States, and will to the best of my ability preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States," she added, "except for the parts about war, racism, or anything about corporations."
January 21 (Day 2): The world's press stands united in its disdain for Stein's impromptu performance at her own inaugural ball, reuniting with her mid-1990s folk-rock band Somebody's Sister for a 17-minute rendition of the 4 Non Blondes song "What's Up?" just after midnight. The UK's New Musical Express headline—"Inaugural Balls"—summed up the collective reaction pretty well. A YouTube clip of the performance set a new record for views and shares in the 92-minute period before it was removed.
February 1 (Day 13): Stein signs "Executive Order Number Awesome," which calls for the immediate repeal of the Affordable Care Act, which will be replaced by a new health-care system, informally called "Kind Stein," under which "all health care will just be free from now on. All doctors, all hospitals, all procedures, all medications—they're just free now."
February 2 (Day 14): "Executive Order Number Awesome" is rescinded after widespread derision. Stein issues a statement through newly appointed White House "spokeshuman" Rainstick Chegwin. "If you even read what I wrote, which no one even does, you would know I wasn't talking about quote-unquote Western medicine, which makes more people sick than any disease, in my opinion. I was talking about NATURAL health care, naturopathy, homeopathy, all that rad medicine like Native Americans have or whatever. That was going to be free, and if you wanted to say thanks to the doctor, you could make them a meal or write them a song, not like pay an insurance company for the rest of your life just because you have a gnarly headache."
February 10 (Day 22): President Stein names novelist Tom Robbins as her nominee to the US Supreme Court. "I know he's technically not a judge," read the president's announcement. "I don't even think he's a lawyer. But every time I read one of his books, especially Jitterbug Perfume, I just feel like this dude gets it, you know? He gets it. I don't know about you, but that's the kind of person I want on the Supreme Court. Not a bunch of fucking lawyers or whatever. Excuse me, it's called being an artist?"
February 13 (Day 25): President Stein issues "Executive Order Number Rad," which makes it illegal for anyone to drive a car or "do anything against the environment" on Valentine's Day "as a show of love to our world that we share." White House "spokeshuman" Rainstick Chegwin explained that while President Stein's initiative didn't give people much time to prepare, "that's all part of her genius, because sometimes we do our best stuff when we don't have time to think."
February 14 (Day 26): President Stein tweets a photo of a traffic jam on the DC beltway along with the caption "Unbelievable. Fine, I guess I won't even try to make the world better anymore. YOU DON'T."
March 4 (Day 44): WikiLeaks releases CCTV surveillance video of more than 730 instances of Stein smoking weed from a one-hitter (and, in one case, an apple) at traffic lights. All videos were captured before she had taken office. "If smoking weed at a traffic light is the worst thing they can say about President Stein, I'd say America is in a pretty mellow, rad place right now," said White House "spokeshuman" Rainstick Chegwin in a statement.
April 15 (Day 86): President Stein delivers the following remarks in her weekly fireside address: "You know what? I don't actually believe in paying taxes. Officially, or legally, or what not. I can't say you won't get in trouble for not paying yours, but alls I'm saying is that if I were in charge (wink wink, CONGRESS), we wouldn't even have taxes at all. They're not constitutional, you know."
April 20 (Day 91): In response to repeated accusations of collusion between the Stein campaign and forces within the Russian government, President Stein tweeted: "I'm sorry, but Congress are being assholes right now. Why do people even want to be president, anyway? I don't." She hasn't made another public statement since.