Good day to you, mah dear suhs and madams. And may I offuh mah humble compliments on y'all's balmy climes so late in the summuh. I do surely despair of makin' a damn nuisance of mahself, but if y'all would suffuh to lend an eah, I'd like to cleah the aiyeah.
Now, I ain't especially political, but I do read the papers and blowgs, and I done seen the deplorable bidness up in Charlottesville, and I done seen what transpired in Durham, and it got me to thankin' there was somethin' mah honuh demands that I declare:
Any association between me and mah late namesake's bound to be what y'all Yankees call a misusndastandin'... I'm jes an old Dowdge Charge-uh, made in the yeah of our lord nineteen sixty and nahn, by the lord's good grace. What do I know about no War of Northern Agg—beg pahdon—Civil War? I'm a car! One of 300 on that set (which wasn't even in Georgia; twas Burbank, by God!).
Which remainds me: I'm a TV actor! I played a character name of General Lee, but that don't mean I agree with the man's views! I didn't paint that vile insignia on mah own roof! How the devil could I? (No arms.) And besides, they done removed it! I just went where they drove me and did my damnedest to clear the river bank on them jumps.
T'aint no secret that the times we live in are fractious, so I won't take up no more of y'all's lovely afternoon, exceptin' to say this heah: I never meant to cause no trouble, and I hope when you go tearin' down monuments, you'll consider passin' me bah. Good day to y'all—to all y'all.