It’s Lucy’s last show. Hats off to Dan’s brave, plucky assistant. Small hands- big heart. 
The calls! Wood. He shows it and grows it at the earliest opportunity. Is this a turn-off or something to cultivate? 
A woman discovers her boyfriend has stashed away some women’s underpants. They’re definitely not hers…is this a problem? 
A stunningly insecure gay man wonders if he should get circumcised to please his rude lover. 
And so much more. 
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77 replies on “Savage Love Episode 268”

  2. The woman who justified dumping a guy because she is “more sexually mature” than him makes my blood boil. Twenty years ago, I was a grad student in my mid twenties who had not lost his virginity until he turned twenty. A woman, let’s call her L, dumped me and latter said it was because she was “much more sexually experienced” than me. Um, hello, how the fuck are people with less sexual experience supposed to get sexual experience if lack of sexual experience is a reason for not fucking them? Looking back, however, L did me a huge favor. She was the type of person who worked in a drug rehab center and dated a married guy who was selling to their clients! (She told me this directly.) I also discovered she had been cheating on me (“Oh, I didn’t want you to find out that way”) when the guy answered the phone.
    I have been with the next woman I got serious with for 19 years now–maried for 15.

  4. @26 – not the same at all. The only way I can think to put it is that the vagina is a sexual organ, while the ass is not. That’s not to say that ass play can’t be erotic, but for me it’s erotic the way having your toes sucked is erotic – it’s great, but it’s not really the same. Even though the clit is outside, there is a lot of clitoral tissue inside – the vagina is sorta the back of the clit, in a way.

  5. @35. I’m in the same boat with porn. I use it myself on a weekly basis. Because of my firsthand experience, I understand exactly why I shouldn’t feel threatened by it: it’s just an impersonal masturbatory aid, none of the people or images stick with me in any long-lasting way, naked people are enjoyable to look at, and I definitely do not think it’s cheating. But I do feel threatened by it.

    I’m insecure about it precisely because (after 2 and 1/2 years) my sex life with my fiance is not all that. He’s a good 15 years older than me and claims that his lower sex drive is age-related, but he watches porn almost every single day. He watches it while I’m in another room, when he could be using that horniness to get with me. Believe me, I would drop everything to have sex with him. We have sex one to two times a week, but I am always the initiator. Without fail. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’m scheduling his soccer practice or something, and that makes me stressed / tense / insecure. I worry that his frequent porn use deadens his sexual interest in me. At the same time, since he is so much older and has been in so many other relationships, I know that this has been his pattern for a long, long time and isn’t anything personal.

    The relationship is perfect in every other way. He frequently compliments me, does things around the house to make me happy, sends me sweet text messages, conceals his porn use (for the most part), spends lots of time with me, takes me out on dates, and raves about how I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. He brags to his friends and mother about my cleverness and wittiness and charm. He’s been around the block with dating and was married once before, and has expressed that he wants to settle down in a monogamous marriage–that it’s what he’s wanted for a very long time. He does emphasize that he is not monogamous enough to stop looking at porn, which I am fine with. And weirdly, I’m not insecure about him looking at real-life women or straying from me, because he makes me feel awesome and unique. We’re compatible in almost every single way, and I can’t imagine life with anyone else. He’s the best thing that’s happened to me, too.

    But he rarely initiates sex, it seems to take him awhile to become aroused by me, and the sex is mostly eyes closed / lights off. Shit. I’m young, fit, pretty, and (again) would be happy to drop everything for the opportunity to have sex with him. He hasn’t really said what a good level of sex for him would be, but I suspect it might be lower than twice a week. Any time I try to open up to him about my feelings, he gets extremely defensive and what I want to be a level-headed discussion turns into an argument about the future of the relationship, in which he claims I will never be satisfied by him and perhaps we should nip it in the bud. Then I feel worse because I don’t feel safe bringing up my worries. (In his defense, he said he’s sick of hearing the same complaint again and again.) I don’t want to end it, though. I know that what ultimately matters is compatibility in personality, and we’re a perfect fit. The sex in any relationship will drop off after the honeymoon period or with age. I know that sexual relationships can’t always be ideal.That isn’t to say sex isn’t important, though.

    I guess what I’m missing is the *feeling desired* part. I’d be more comfortable with his porn use if he couldn’t keep his hands off of me or if he initiated more and just ravished me. When he’s turned on by me, I feel confident and sexy. I want to feel wanted; I don’t want sex to be a chore that he has to perform a set number of times a week in order to make me happy. He reassures me that I’m the sexiest woman he’s ever been with, but his actions just don’t match his words. I don’t just want to be reassured that I’m sexy, I want evidence.

    I know that Dan would probably just chalk this up to an unfortunate difference in sex drives and tell me to move on, but that’s not what I want. I want advice about how to make this work. I want to know how to talk to him in a way that reassures him that my insecurities aren’t an indicator that secretly, deep down, I want to break up with him and would be better off without someone else. I wish this were a clear-cut issue of insecurity, but it’s not. Are there any men out there who have been in the same position as my fiance? Any women who have been in my position and worked it out?

  8. * about the pr0n finder not working, not only is the concept shameful but also that they charge $20 for such a weak-ass product. Seriously, they just look at file names? No sophisticated naked-skin finding algorithms? Lame!

    * I love Lucy too. She is a young, straight, female counterpart to Dan’s (slightly) older gay male self, and also often served as a foil (or “straight woman”) for Dan to bounce his advice off of (see her pegging and circumcision reactions in the last podcast as an example of that).
    If Lucy is Dan’s wife she needn’t be his Kim Kardashian – divorced after a few months. He should definitely bring her back occasionally. With Skype etc. they don’t even need to be in the same city.

    * Cuckolding – I always thought that came from “cock old”, i.e. an old rooster who has to watch younger roosters having their way with “his” hens.

    * I agree that the woman in 35 is not really upset about the porn per se but abut not getting enough (sexual) attention from her bf. She needs to face the possibility that the relationship might be doomed because he lost interest and to talk openly with him with that in mind.

  12. omg, don’t care for Lucy at all.
    yikes, where is the brilliance and the witty banter and should be there to sit chair side with you.

    in fact even you, dan, sounded like you giving her some shit this time. playing to her clear insecurity in her ability to express herself.

  15. Once again, I love Lucy. However, Hunter78 makes a very good point ( comment #136) on the 12/7/11 Savage Love column, calling basically calling her out as a lightweight that’s basically just decoration and comparing her to Ed McMahon, Kelly Ripa, Robin Quivers, etc.

  16. @55 – there is a way to make this work, but you might not like it. It’s to accept that this is how he is, and that everything else he brings to the relationship is worth it. To look at who he is, clearly and fearlessly, and chose him.

    I know, that’s not what you want to hear. You want a way to make him be the way you want him to be. Sorry, I don’t think there is a way to get that. All you can do is, without lying to yourself, decide that you can live with this, and live with your decision. Or, decide that you can’t, and leave.

  18. @35 and @55

    Ladies, I feel for you. But at the end of the day, you have to make a decision…either you choose to stay because everything else is wonderful, and you just accept that you are in a “companion” relationship and find ways to manage the sex issue (ie. open relationships), OR you look really hard at the lack of a sexual connection and call time on the relationship.

    As the person who was hit with the low libido in my relationship with my ex-husband, I know all about the ease of porn. Around year 2.5, we hit a very serious issue which I took very badly. No cheating or anything, but he said something that hurt my heart so much. I stayed because I loved him, and I was determined to fight for the relationship, but the intimacy we had was gone. Sex got to be a chore instead of a pleasure because I didn’t deal with the actual issue. It only got worse as the years went on, but we stayed together because everything else about us worked. After 11 years together, and a year plus of marriage, we had to finally admit to ourselves that we were the best of friends, and we did love each other, but both in our early 30’s, we were too young to give up that intimacy and sex. Today, more than a year later, we are both in relationships, and I haven’t met her yet, but I gather from him that she makes him happy, in all the ways necessary for a healthy relationship. I’m so sorry to him that I couldn’t do it, but more than anything, I’m happy because he seems to have found someone who will give him what I couldn’t.

    You have to ask yourself, and really consider this…if they’d rather rely on the porn than the readily-available-pootie…in what other ways could they not be there for you in the future?

    It’s a gamble…do you stay because everything else is okay, just not the sex? Or do you go and hope to find someone who can be your best friend, steady companion, AND your lover? My ex and I had faith, took the chance, and as sad as I am that we got hurt, I’m consoled by the fact that the risk payed off, and he’s got someone to love AND fuck.

  19. Count me in as another Lucy-lover. I thought she was great, all around.

    I just wanted to say, though, she was completely wrong to feel bad for the dude marrying the lesbian-turned-queer. Some guys have all the luck. I never had the fantasy that a lesbian just needed some of my magic penis to suddenly turn straight, but I’d love to have a chick who appreciated chicks as much as I do…and would be delighted to peg me. I’m a straight guy and all I can say is: this guy found a unicorn, for realsies…no need to be afraid for him, I don’t think this wish will turn out like the monkey’s paw.

    Guy: you are about to have one of the most wonderful experiences you can! If you can take her dildo, you can take the strap on. And truly, it’s just fantastic. Buy yourself a plug to wear before sex to adjust some, kind of like warming up and stretching before a game…which in fact is not even a metaphor…it’s the real thing.

  20. Every time I hear the words “nice” when describing a man or a woman, I hear “inadequate.” Why can’t we just strike this fucking word from the dating/sex vocabulary. Has ANYONE ever described one of you as nice and told you they want to have a sexy relationship with you and/or a long term relationship with them? Really? Say to yourself, like you are talking about someone you might date, “He/She is really nice….” without saying “…but….” in that or the next sentence. It doesn’t work out well for them.

    As a person, I have great manners, am clean and clean cut (save for a tattoo that can’t be seen while I’m dressed), but also rather GGG and funny. My clients, parents and neighbors think I’m nice. Yet, I pulled a “Lucy” (as described in this podcast as leaving town without saying goodbye or ending the relationship) and unnecessarily hurt people that loved me when I was younger and less experienced. I’ve been described as “assertive”, “kinky” and “fun” in bed. Never “nice”. I’ve also been on the other end of a “Lucy” and it doesn’t seem very nice.

    “My girl/boyfriend wants to peg me! Isn’t he/she so nice?”
    “That guy/woman is so nice, I want to fuck them!”
    “I want to marry him/her. They’re always nice….”
    “You seem so nice! Can I have your phone number?”

  21. After years of regular listening I think I have discovered the thing that will help me break my addiction to the Lovecast, and that thing is the sound of Dan and Lucy’s inane chit chat. WTF is the point of the sidekick? Because let me tell you Dan Savage the witty banter is not so witty…in fact its about the worst thing ever. Please, I have no doubt that Lucy is a nice person and capable producer…she just brings nothing to the show.

  23. YAY!! Lucy, the unexperienced, baby voiced, agree with everything Dan says, not sex positive woman is gone!! I leap for joy!! I had to syop listening to the podcast while she was on, so annoying.

  25. I really enjoyed Lucy, and I giggled to myself hearing you guys eating, knowing how many people it was going to piss off. I liked the relaxed atmosphere. It felt like I was hanging out with friends.

  27. Just have to throw this out there, I was a little peeved that the fact that plenty of WOMEN also watch porn. I happen to watch way more than my husband and I don’t like sharing it with him all the time. Basically I was consciously including myself every time Dan or Lucy mentioned men and porn. Women watch it and need it too! Please acknowledge this.

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