Since we all know the Academy Awards smoke dead donkey ding-a-ling, and the only REAL ceremony worth watching is the MTV Video Awards (8:00 p.m., Thursday, September 9), I've decided, as a public service, to present a list of nominees for each division (except the fruity ones no one cares about like "editing" and "art direction"). And as a further public service, I've picked all the winners, so now all you have to do is sit on the couch and drool. And as an even further public service, since my predictions are so air-tight, I would advise you to bet a lot of money on my picks, so you can enjoy the rest of your life in luxury -- a status to which you could most assuredly become accustomed. (No matter what other assholes tell you, I'm all about the public service.)

AND THE NOMINEES ARE...

Best Rock Video...

Limp Bizkit -- "Nookie"

Korn -- "Freak on a Leash"

Kid Rock -- "Bawitdaba"

Lenny Kravitz -- "Fly Away"

Offspring -- "Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)"

First let me say that everything Korn does is stupid -- and can only be beaten in stupidity by Lenny Kravitz. Offspring has a small chance but the real race is between Limp Bizkit's homage to the persuasiveness of female genitalia, and Kid Rock's homage to ...? Kid Rock rocks and wins!

Best Pop Video...

Backstreet Boys -- "I Want It That Way"

Jennifer Lopez -- "If You Had My Love"

Ricky Martin -- "Livin' La Vida Loca"

'N Sync -- "Tearin' Up My Heart"

Britney Spears -- " ...Baby One More Time"

My favorite category! But while all these songs may be as catchy as TB, I'll be judging which video has the most bubble-gumosity, which means... Jennifer is OUT, the Backstreet Boys can back right OUT, 'N Sync is 'N OUT, and though Ricky's video is salsa-riffic, he is muy !FUERA! Nobody captures sexy Catholic trailer-trash like our Britney Spears... who's IN, IN, IN!

Best Hiphop Video...

Beastie Boys -- "Intergalactic"

Busta Rhymes & Janet Jackson -- "What's It Gonna Be?!"

Lauryn Hill -- "Doo Wop (That Thing)"

TLC -- "No Scrubs"

Sorry, Beastie Boys, but since baggy pants on forty-year-olds is really bad mojo, and Busta's video makes The Blair Witch Project look like Mary Poppins, I would definitely declare Lauryn Hill to be the winner -- if it weren't for that absolutely darling "hop-clap-shake-yer-dirty-ass-down" move that TLC does in "No Scrubs." They've got my vote!

Best Rap Video...

2 Pac -- "Changes"

DMX -- "Ruff Ryder's Anthem (Stop Drop)"

Jay-Z featuring Ja Rule/Amil-Lion -- "Can I Get a... "

Nas featuring Puff Daddy -- "Hate Me Now"

Excuse me, but anything even vaguely associated with Puff Daddy can lick my hoo-hoo, and as for 2 Pac... hello? He's dead, and though DMX's advice to "stop -- drop -- shut 'em down, open up shop" is well taken, nothing can stop or drop the ladies in Jay-Z's video who just wanna get a "whoop! whoop!" Icing don't get no sweeter than that.

Best Female Video...

Lauryn Hill -- "Doo Wop (That Thing)"

Jennifer Lopez -- "If You Had My Love"

Madonna -- "Beautiful Stranger"

Britney Spears -- " ...Baby One More Time"

Which of the following women would you give an award to: one who demands respect while prancing around in her underpants, another who offers herself totally to someone she hasn't met, or the youngest of the group who verbally equates love with assault and battery. Hmmmm... let's vote for Lauryn.

Best Male Video...

Eminem -- "My Name Is"

Lenny Kravitz -- "Fly Away"

Ricky Martin -- "Livin' La Vida Loca"

Will Smith -- "Miami"

Eminem is "Mr. Honky McPuff-Daddy," which makes Lenny Kravitz "Mr. Grand Funk Railroad McHonky," and Will Smith "Mr. Where's DJ Jazzy Jeff? McMovie-Stud." So our process of elimination vote goes to... Ricky Martin, or "Mr. Livin' La McBeefcake Loca!"

Best Group Video...

Backstreet Boys -- "I Want It That Way"

Limp Bizkit -- "Nookie"

'N Sync -- "Tearin' Up My Heart"

Sugar Ray -- "Every Morning"

TLC -- "No Scrubs"

Don't you just wanna take Sugar Ray's face sometimes and just SMASH, SMASH, SMASH it with a meat tenderizer? Yeah, me too. Anyway, while Limp Bizkit doesn't have the squealy girl vote needed to win, I predict these same squealers will split their vote on Backstreet and 'N Sync, securing an easy victory for the absolutely adorable TLC.

Viewer's Choice Award...

Backstreet Boys -- "I Want It That Way"

Jay-Z -- "Can I get a... "

Korn -- "Freak on a Leash"

Ricky Martin -- "Livin' La Vida Loca"

'N Sync -- "Tearin' Up My Heart"

TLC -- "No Scrubs"

Regardless of my endless fascination for TLC's divine "hop-clap-shake-yer-dirty-ass-down" move, I along with every Jay-Z, Korn, Ricky, and 'N Sync fan can cry a goddam river, because if we think we can overcome the pop juggernaut that is the Backstreet Boys, then we must be huffing glue from a gas can.

And Finally... the Best Video of the Year...

Backstreet Boys -- "I Want It That Way"

Lauryn Hill -- "Doo Wop (That Thing)"

Korn -- "Freak on a Leash"

Ricky Martin -- "Livin' La Vida Loca"

Will Smith featuring Dru Hill and Kool Mo Dee -- "Wild Wild West"

It's no wonder the same four assholes are up for best video when MTV only shows the same four asshole videos. The only exception is "Wild Wild West," which would be a goddam hoot if it wasn't as long as Eyes Wide Shut. Regardless, it's gotta be Miss Hill. This video's got the message, it's got the hook, and it's the only choice here whose visuals lean toward the beautiful. Of course, there's no "hop-clap-shake-yer-dirty-ass-down"... but one can't have everything, now can one?