ABSTRACT: My research team (which consisted of five black women, one black man, and one Paraguayan man) was able to classify 22 alcoholic beverages as "black girl" drinks. Of these 22, four were selected for this particular experiment: Sex on the Beach, amaretto sour, White Hurricane, and Smirnoff Ice.

HYPOTHESIS: "Amy," the subject of this experiment, is a non-heterosexual white woman in her early 20s. Raised in the Twin Cities, she holds a college degree from Seattle University. Would excessive consumption of drinks favored by black females convert the subject to heterosexuality? Would it alter the pigmentation of her skin?

MEANS AND METHODS: The subject had never visited black drinking establishments and was unfamiliar with what we in the field call "the black environment" (music, types of conversations, and so on). However, the cultural isolation of the test subject was preferable, because changes in character, speech patterns, facial expressions, etc., could be more easily registered when the subject was exposed to foreign social stimuli. The establishments used in this experiment were Angie's Tavern, a Columbia City bar; Oscar's II, a Central District bar and restaurant; and Noc Noc, a downtown nightclub that plays contemporary urban music, like hiphop and R&B.

After an initial drink--subject "Amy"'s preferred beverage, rum and Coke--we start at a black-run corner store across the street from Angie's Tavern. The test subject, who is addicted to nicotine, requests her favorite brand, American Spirit; but, fearing it might contaminate the test environment, I cancel the request and order the subject to purchase and smoke only menthols. She reluctantly buys a pack of Newports.

Before leaving the store, subject "Amy" is approached by an unknown black male in his early 60s. He asks her if she is free to "mess around" with him. The subject declines. The black male then asks her how old she is. The subject says that she is 22. The black male exhibits surprise and says he had thought subject "Amy" was 15. The subject explains that she is going to Angie's Tavern for a drink. The black male says he will see her there in a moment, and proceeds to make purchases. As we walk toward the tavern, subject "Amy" reveals that she was surprised the black male "mack[ed] on" her despite believing she was 15 years old. (Note: "Mack on" was the first black expression used by the subject, and it was used before she consumed her first black girl drink.)

At the bar, before drinking, the subject is asked to select two tunes on the jukebox. She picks "Ladies Night," by Kool & the Gang, and "Shining Star," by Earth, Wind & Fire. She then proceeds to consume three bottles of Smirnoff Ice. Upon completion of the third bottle, I ask the subject to select two more songs from the jukebox. This time she picks "Hot In Herre," by Nelly, and "Gin and Juice," by Snoop Dogg. Though her tastes have certainly changed (for the worse), the subject's facial expressions are the same. There is, however, a note of irritation in her voice when I ask her to have another Smirnoff Ice and repeat the jukebox test one more time. Tired of drinking the "soft stuff," she wants a hard drink--which, sadly, Angie's does not serve. After settling accounts, we depart for our second destination, Oscar's II.

At Oscar's II

(see Figure No. 7), a Sex on the Beach (1 oz vodka, 3/4 oz peach schnapps, cranberry/grapefruit juice) is ordered for the test subject. She consumes it slowly. I tell her to speed it up. She increases her rate of consumption, and when she has finished I order another Sex on the Beach. Subject "Amy" lights a Newport and asks if she can have a vodka martini. As this beverage does not qualify as a black girl drink, I do not order it, and instead recommend an amaretto sour. The subject demands a vodka martini. I again reject her request. An amaretto sour is served to the subject. The subject demands a vodka martini for the third time. I notice a shiver, a suggestion of a neck roll. I instruct the test subject to down the amaretto sour. She finally complies. When leaving Oscar's II for Noc Noc, I make a note: The subject now has an attitude. Her pigmentation, however, is unchanged.

On the night of the experiment, Noc Noc has several fine sisters and handsome brothers at the bar. As we order a White Hurricane (1 oz gin, 1 oz bourbon, 1 oz 151-proof rum, 1/2 oz white crème de menthe, 1/4 oz lime juice, 1/4 oz grenadine, splash of soda), a young black man in baggy attire approaches subject "Amy" and asks her to play a game of pool.

(see Figure No. 8) She says yes. After handing her the White Hurricane, I observe the subject interacting with the unknown black male. At one point during the game, she tells him this: "When I'm drunk, I'm impressed with how well I can call people on the cell phone!" The subject holds her cell phone in her right hand and has a lit Newport in her left hand as she says this. The unknown black male abruptly stops the game and asks "Amy" for her cell phone number. The subject gives him her work number. He asks her what she's doing later. At this point I notice that my subject's glass is empty, and return to the bar to order a second White Hurricane. While at the bar, I observe the black man whispering something into the subject's ear. Soon, after the subject has finished her second Hurricane, we leave Noc Noc.

While walking to GameWorks, where we are to regroup with other researchers and their subjects, subject "Amy" informs me that the unknown black man wants her to meet him later at the Holiday Inn Express, where he is staying that weekend. "I could have sex with him tonight if I wanted to," she says with a sense of accomplishment.

CONCLUSION: Consumption of alcoholic beverages favored by black females will not transform a non-heterosexual white woman into a heterosexual or black woman. It will, however, make her very drunk.