927 Ninth Ave How many times have you donned your finest threads for a night of drinking, only to find that when you dash off to pee, your surroundings are stale or, worse, uninspiring? Far too many? Then make sure to drink at Vito's--at least if you're a man--for not only is their restroom posh (if a tad soiled), but it contains Seattle's most splendid tile mural: a scantily clad, nubile woman in deep repose. It is, to be sure, a wonderful vista to pee before.

2100 Fourth Ave With the foresight and care that only being absurdly wealthy can provide, Paul Allen has created the perfect public restroom: one where you don't have to touch anything. The urinals, the pots, the sinks, the driers--all merely require a pass of the hand, never a caress. Shangri-la for germaphobes, posh for the rest of us.

The Mysterious Restroom Below Pioneer Square
According to a former tour guide at Bill Speidel's Underground Tour (608 First Ave), the secret restroom built in 1916 below Pioneer Square was a large marble-floored affair with polished white tiling on the walls. Located directly below the Pergola, the Titanic-era restroom was closed in the mid-'50s and reportedly needs half a million dollars in restorations. Very few people have actually seen the mysterious space (tourists aren't allowed), but city council member and architect Peter Steinbrueck got a tour in the late '90s when there was talk of doing the repairs, and reports, "I remember a lot of urine stink and broken bottles."

Rock Bottom Brewery
1333 Fifth Ave The best soap in the city--fluffy, foamy, and not too smelly. Plus, a code is required to enter!

City Centre
1420 Fifth Ave As you enter, there it is, on the door: You are under surveillance. And though the City Centre's watchful eye certainly doesn't extend to the stalls (one hopes), its presence still offers our city's exhibitionists a place to... well, that's up to them.

5 Spot
1502 Queen Anne Ave N The easiest way to learn a foreign tongue is to stop concentrating so damn hard and let your infant brain take the rudder for a while. The folks at the 5 Spot understand this, and so they've put the incessantly looping tape of language instruction right where it will benefit you the most: the potty. While you relax and empty your bladder, the mellifluous voice of some foreign national will fill your head with all sorts of useful words and phrases. Très bien!

Coastal Kitchen
429 15th Ave E All the language treats of the 5 Spot restrooms (see above) on Capitol Hill! Time your visits to Coastal Kitchen correctly and spend a lot of time in their can. Très, très bien!

Capitol Hill Library
425 Harvard Ave Before we had a fancy self-cleaning loo down near Seattle Central, there was a kinder, gentler free restroom just off Broadway. Hidden behind a pane of frosted glass on the second floor of the public library, this water closet is a quiet oasis, sporting the same blond-wood-and-metal theme as the rest of the (vaguely nautical, overtly IKEA) building, but minus all those pretentious books. The only downside? The toilets are locked up with the rest of the library at 8:00 p.m. sharp.

Twice Sold Tales
905 E John St Though technically not a place you can drop a load, the kitty litter box at Twice Sold Tales holds a special place in The Stranger's heart. Last summer, books editor Christopher Frizzelle wrote about Twice Sold Tales facing stiff competition when corporate-owned Half Price Books moved into the Capitol Hill neighborhood, and in the piece he mentioned, as an aside, the oft-voiced concern that Twice Sold Tales sometimes smells like cat pee. Anecdotal experience proves that the cat-pee problem seems to have been taken care of (did they change the carpets?), and Twice Sold Tales and The Stranger again love each other (we recently found a rare and beautiful edition of Kafka there). Nonetheless we cherish the gold plaque that Twice Sold Tales posted over its kitty litter box shortly after Frizzelle's original story appeared, which announced that the contents of the litter box were devoted to Frizzelle's "life and work."

Bank of America Tower
701 Fifth Ave Yes, it's on a private floor and part of a highfalutin boys' club for guys who keep their Cubans locked in special drawers. Still, a trip to the ladies' room reveals nice private stalls offering glorious views of the sky--if you're lucky, you'll catch a passing plane or helicopter. Afterwards wash your hands in your own private in-stall sink, complete with towels and toiletries!

Bow Hill Rest Area
#238 You're zipping up I-5 to Bellingham, about a half hour away from falling into your newfound love's arms for the entire weekend (yay!). But wait! For the next two days, you won't be able to poo or fart or be human while in the presence of your newly beloved. Better pull over, turn off that CD of "Radar Love" you've been playing ad nauseam, and take a load off--two days' worth--at the Washington State Department of Transportation's clean, spacious facilities. Bow Hill Rest Area #238--a place where lovers go.

Legends Sports Bar
4439 35th Ave SW The women's restroom at West Seattle's Legends has an adorable pink sundry machine, car ads on the back of the stall doors (you know, reading material), and some odd stains on the wall. Exciting!

Mecca Cafe
526 Queen Anne Ave N Queen Anne's Mecca Cafe is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and generally, those all-night spots are infamous for having the grossest, most ignored restrooms ever. Ew. But Mecca's narrow little restroom is well stocked and sparkly clean, and without that gag-inducing restroom cleanser smell. A Seattle treasure!

Waterwheel Tavern
7034 15th Ave NW The Waterwheel's wonderfully weird women's room features not only a funky jungle motif, but also a medicine cabinet filled with actual medicine, including (as of our last check) rubber gloves, several sprays and lotions, and a smoke-stained Out of Order sign. But beware--the stalls are separated only by see-through shower curtains, and drunken patrons are prone to falling in your lap. In another exciting twist, the window curtains are made from towels!

Liquid Lounge
at EMP, 325 Fifth Ave N Beloved by stargazers and visiting VIPs. Plus, the stair-climb is oh-so-good for the glutes!

506 E Pine St Flight to Mars, anyone? There's no better way to relive your childhood obsession with outer space--or your high-school stoner days beneath that "Keep on Truckin'" black-light poster--than the dimly-lit-yet-somehow-still-day-glo restroom located in the infamous Pine Street restaurant. Want an extra thrill? Take a heavy load of multivitamins a few hours before you visit: The black lights make the after-effects absolutely psychedelic.

514 E Pine St No more tearing yourself away from MTV to pee--it's right there above the urinal!

Mars Bar
609 Eastlake Ave E Hey ladies--ever wondered what your sisters look like doing their business? Then head on down to the fabulous Mars Bar, where the barrier between the stalls in the ladies' room is made of clear plastic! Whoop, there it is.

Marco's Supperclub
2510 First Ave A bit on the Laura Ingalls Wilder side, but still nice with fresh flowers, baskets of towels, and the ever-appreciated scented soaps and lotions.

2332 Second Ave Enough vintage grooming products and dark lighting to make anyone look good.

Westin Seattle
1900 Fifth Ave The women's room offers peerless convenience, with hundreds of stalls rigged with the long-unseen metal purse shelves that flap down firmly to keep your lady things at arm's reach. (Also good for heavy novels, changing babies, and cleaning your works.)

Buca di Beppo
701 Ninth Ave N Who doesn't love to look at archival advertisements and fabulous cone bras of the type worn by the robust Sophia Loren? Plus, you can pee!

Lowell's Restaurant
1519 Pike Pl Yes, it's 7:30 a.m., your panties are missing, and you've drunk yourself silly all night. But isn't it nice to know that you can always get a giggle out of your high-stepping stumbles as you navigate that seemingly endless staircase leading up to the restrooms at Lowell's? Yes, it is.

Broadway Market
401 Broadway E Climb the metal stairs and walk down the long, long hall to the teenage horror-movie men's room (needles! peepers! wangs!) that's been morbidly fascinating visitors for the past 13 years. Not a restroom for females or the faint of heart. Ideal, however, for the closeted and the clergy.

The Patch of Grass
Behind 7-Eleven at 15th Ave E & Denny Way There's something about the way Denny S-curves into that li'l grassy hill that brings out the public urinator in most everyone, especially during the peace-n-quiet hours after dark.

Five Point Cafe
415 Cedar St Home to the legendary "periscope urinal," affording standing urinators a lovely reflected image of the Space Needle. Easily the best view of that stabby landmark this side of a postcard. (Be sure to sneak your mom/girlfriend/sister in.)

Sonya's Bar & Grill
1919 First Ave The long, spooky hallway to the restroom just screams, "The Shining." A pair of ax-wielding identical twins is all that's missing.

Third Ave & Pine St. The Bon's ice-pink, second-floor "ladies' lounge" is bigger than most people's living rooms. The lovely '50s decor includes movie-star lighting, a multitude of mirrors, and a giant curved couch, perfect for lunchtime naps.

The Washington State Passenger-Only Ferry
801 Alaskan Way The cold, institutional restrooms on the Washington State Ferry System's sole-surviving passenger-only ferry aren't particularly lovely. In fact, they're straight out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. And technically they're only in Seattle when they're docked downtown, collecting passengers for the Seattle-to-Vashon run. But the restrooms on these tiny, threatened ferries are spacious, spotless, and, unlike the restrooms on the rest of the Washington State Ferry System, totally private. Once you're inside you can lock the door and pretend that you don't live on a Godforsaken island crawling with hippies and lawyers and rednecks.

Seattle Eagle
314 E Pike St The manliest men's room in town. (Watch out for the suspiciously warm bottles of "beer" sitting around.)

Sea-Tac Airport
Constipated? Check out the hideous, newly installed artwork near the baggage claim and you will surely shit. Restrooms are located nearby for your convenience.

Edgewater Hotel
2411 Alaskan Way If you're lucky, maybe you'll get the room with the restroom where the Led Zeppelin girl went to scrub out the fish!

W Seattle Hotel
1112 Fourth Ave S Ultra chic and ultra clean, complete with an ultra-mod electro soundtrack. Plus, it's not just acceptable to talk on your cell in the restrooms at restrooms here--it's expected.

4725 California Ave SW Home of boiling-hot washbasin water and whimsical fish-shaped soap dispensers.

Ballard Smoke Shop
5439 Ballard Ave NW The one restroom in Seattle where the air might be safer to breathe than in the bar.

Dexter & Hayes Public House
1628 Dexter Ave N Leave the door open for a lovely view of the aquarium.

Impossibly high ledge
in the Pike Place Market True-story punch line: "I don't know who it was, or how they got up there, but whoever it was had a lot of corn that day."

Colman Pool
8603 Fauntleroy Way SW Wide open spaces with no maze of lockers to hide behind. Prepare to ogle and be ogled.

Automated Kiosks
(Broadway vs. Pioneer Square) When comparing Seattle's nearly identical new Euro-styled automated restrooms--on Broadway Avenue and in Pioneer Square--it all comes down to ambience. When moving your bowels in public, do you prefer the noisy proximity of drunken, homeless older men or strung-out, dope-addled street kids? For the first, head to the alluring brick plaza of Occidental Park (a magnet for Pioneer Square's fine assortment of drunks); for the second, choose its Broadway counterpart, favored by the young and sedated.

Any public beach
on Lake Washington If the ducks and geese can do it, why can't you?

Fenix Underground
109 S Washington St The perfect latrine for a busy club--plenty of stalls and multiple mirrors.

Bad Albert's
5100 Ballard Ave NW Great faux-slate linoleum adds a touch of class (and the free tampons don't hurt either).

Admiral Thriftway
in West Seattle, 2320 42nd Ave SW Easily the best grocery store restroom in the city.

Bradner Gardens
29th Ave S & S Grand St The restrooms at this quirky South Seattle park eschew the ever-popular prison-issue stainless steel for real porcelain fixtures and real mirrors. Bravo.

University Plaza Hotel
400 NE 45th St According to a local pizza deliveryman (who frequently stops there to crap), this restroom has "the most butt-friendly toilet paper in town!"

West 5
4539 California Ave SW Home to fabulous restrooms decked out like the great outdoors--the men's room has a "hunting lodge" vibe (although some bastard stole the deer head during last year's West Seattle Street Fair) while the ladies get a virtual birdhouse, complete with tiny fake birds perched around the stalls.

Seattle Children's Theatre
201 Thomas, Seattle Center Guys: Wanna feel like a giant? Go take a hovering pee over one of the Children's Theatre's kiddie urinals, with wall placement rigged for the li'l ones. Rahrr!!!

Seattle Repertory Theatre
155 Mercer St Want to see former Mayor Paul Schell take a whiz? Of course you do. Go to a Gala Opening at the Rep, then visit the men's room at intermission! Our former mayor has a big heart and a tiny bladder.

Beacon Pub
3057 Beacon Ave S For the men, three words: fish-shaped urinal.

Gay Pride porta-potties
Volunteer Park They come but once a year, but if these sweltering hot, shit-stanky plastic walls could talk....

2222 3/4 Second Ave With its high ceiling and very limited space, the men's restroom in Shorty's resembles the sort of cell that an unrepentant prisoner is locked up in for a grueling week of isolated confinement. There must be several cells that look like this in Guantanamo Bay. Still, if history's taught us anything, it's that newly released prisoners want nothing more than pinball and hotdogs, thus making Shorty's an earthly miracle.

Four Seasons Olympic Hotel
411 University Ave When you're done using one of those little towels by the clean sinks in the Four Seasons Hotel, it's impossible to determine what to do with it: Throw it into the trash like a paper towel? Put it in your pocket? Refold the damn thing and return it to the basket that contains a fresh batch of towels? What the hell do you do? Don't go to this restroom if you are prone to panic attacks.

Alibi Room
85 Pike St The terrorists have detonated a nuclear bomb in the heart of downtown Seattle. Thousands upon thousands instantly perish. All of the tall buildings crumble to dust. The only person to survive the worst terrorist attack in American history walks out of the bunker-like restroom beneath the ruins of what used to be the Alibi Room.

Le Pichet
1933 First Ave The most urbane restaurant in Seattle happens to have the most mundane restroom in Seattle. How very French!

The Space Needle
400 Broad St Inside sources have informed The Stranger that the floors of the restrooms at the top of Seattle's defining landmark, the Space Needle, are often spoiled by pools of vomit. The rotation of the restaurant, combined with its considerable distance from the ground, is not the best environment for a weak digestive system that's breaking down a very expensive meal. Otherwise, the windowless restrooms are otherwise clean and unimpressive.

Pioneer Square
Stink Alley Even if you were to place portable toilets by this notorious alley it would not solve the smell. The smell is here to stay, with or without the homeless humans who frequently empty the contents of their beer-swelled bladders onto its eroded concrete.

Elliott Bay Book Co.
101 S Main St Elliott Bay is so thorough in its love of reading that even the restroom is literary: Each stall is supplied with chalkboard and chalk, and philosophical arguments wax heated and long. Great for people with plenty of time on their hands, and who want to meet someone interested in long, heated philosophical arguments. Word to the wise: give your hands a thorough scrubbing after handling the chalk. You know where it's been, after all.

Hattie's Hat
5231 Ballard Ave NW Freaky restrooms with weird powdered soap and lighting that makes patrons look dead. Still, there's no better place for drunken ladies, as Hattie's offers private, closet-like stalls that easily muffle the sounds of vomiting.

The Human Toilet
"My family is extremely religious, insanely religious, and I felt guilty about masturbating and I was trying to find a way to make myself stop," the Human Toilet explains, "so I would only allow myself to 'abuse myself' if I drank my own pee first." Tragically for the Human Toilet's ever-lasting soul, his plan didn't stop him from masturbating. "It only left me with a strong association between drinking pee and having orgasms," says the Kirkland native, who first drank someone else's piss when he was 19 and a regular in Seattle's all-ages punk scene. "My girlfriend at the time hated being a straight girl and she hated all straight men by extension and she was only too happy to pee in my mouth," he says. Now almost 30, the Human Toilet claims to have imbibed the piss of more than 37 women. (He keeps a running count in his "piss diary.") A woman he was with a few years ago dubbed him the Human Toilet after they spent a three-day weekend together. She drank all the water and beer she could over the weekend and he drank every drop of her piss. "At first she acted like it was this disgusting thing she was willing to do because she loved me. But then she started getting into it." The two got married last October. "We had a lemon-yellow wedding cake. No one knew what it meant but us."

Capitol Hill Arts Center
1621 12th Ave Restrooms for both genders are supplied with peepholes--courtesy of artist Muña Qamar--offering patrons views of who's dallying in the lobby (women's room), or lingering at the bar (men's). Heaven for people who can't stop checking out the action, even when nature calls, and for that unbeatable frisson of reverse voyeurism.

Consolidated Works
500 Boren Ave N The most ironic restrooms in Seattle. Coed, so that men can finally find out what goes on in the ladies' room, and with every wall, plumbing fixture, and accessory available for sale. Purchase of any one of those things gives you naming rights (The Stranger's founder and publisher, Tim Keck, is memorialized for all time thanks to a sinkside mirror). The epicenter of a hip, relaxed attitude toward plumbing.

Any and All Bookstores
It is a truth silently but more or less universally acknowledged that the pleasure of browsing in a bookstore causes bowels to loosen. Many book lovers report that within a few minutes of entering a bookstore, they immediately (and forcefully) have to poop. Luckily, many bookstores seem prepped for this. Both the University Book Store (4326 University Way NE) and the downtown Barnes & Noble (600 Pine St) have big, clean restrooms with lots of stalls, and it's not necessary (thank God) to hunt down someone with a key.

1114 Howell St Restrooms in gay bars have always been great cruising spots. Homos lining up to take a leak can check each other out and, once inside, get a good look at each other in the light. But Re-bar has never been a gay bar. It's Seattle's original mixed club and the bar's restrooms are thoughtfully laid out to facilitate opposite-sex romance. Located directly behind the beer coolers in the main room, Re-bar's men's and women's restrooms share a single entry-point, forcing the lines for both restrooms to merge. This gives men and women--as well as men and men and women and women--a chance to check each other out. Throw in some funky artwork and, in the men's room, a tiny private stall with a lock on the door, and Re-bar's restrooms spell love "L-U-V."

Cal Anderson Park
11th Ave and Pine St Where the elite of Capitol Hill meet to pee. The bushes at the corner of 11th and Pine, near the stone steps, are a particular favorite. Wave to the people staring at you from the building across the street.

Cafe Septieme
214 Broadway Ave E Dark, and narrow, the restrooms at Cafe Septieme on Broadway won't inspire you to linger--and they shouldn't. It's a big, crowded restaurant and both of the restrooms at Cafe Septieme are single-seaters. But the restrooms' industrial/goth aesthetic--black rubber floors and graffiti-resistant gray-black metal sheeting on the walls--might inspire you to toss a quarter to one of the many goofy gothsters spare-changing out on Broadway.

Ace Hotel
2423 First Ave Deluxe Room 1 hides its restroom behind a swiveling secret wall, tiled on one side, mirrored on the other. Dreamy!

The Panama Hotel Cafe
605 1/2 S Main St Well-described by one eyewitness as "very Dwell magazine," the restrooms at this International District lodging enjoy a beautifully museum-like setting, including historical photos of Seattle's pre-interment Japanese community.

The Green Room
1426 First Ave Behind the door to the restroom there is a light that is nearly blinding. It is almost as if heaven is waiting for you.

Seattle Weekly
1008 Western Ave, Suite 300 The men's restroom at the Seattle Weekly (two sinks, big mirror, two urinals, a stall) compels those little head nods that people make at people they hate but feel nonetheless obligated to offer some vague recognition. Oddly, none of the men on staff seem to mind looking at themselves in a mirror flecked with dental-floss-flung chunks of departed arts editor Mark D. Fefer (he was assiduous about his after-lunch tooth care) because he is, much like managing editor Chuck Taylor, such an easy and optimistic person to work with, a man who who never tries to strike up disingenuous and weirdly arrogant conversations while you are urinating. As a cultural space in the life of this city, it is a great restroom, as many current and former Seattle Weekly employees can attest, to go into and cry after being senselessly mauled by the interests of a corporation (a corporation that, by the way, has made huge contributions to George W. Bush's reelection campaign). Finally, it is also great restroom to emerge from having resolved to send an e-mail from your Hotmail account to the editor of the other, better-written weekly newspaper in town begging for work even though you know (because at this point you just no longer care) that Seattle Weekly management has installed software to monitor everything you do on your computer when Fefer and Taylor and the like are off in the restroom peeing and flossing and faking it with employees they can't stand.

Rosebud Restaurant & Bar
719 E Pike St When you're at a bar with good cheap drinks like Rosebud's, you'll need to visit the restroom often. Sadly, Rosebud has just two single restrooms, so you may be stuck doing a little dance just outside the door while you wait your turn. But the wait won't be so bad, as the restrooms' doors are made of frosted glass, so you can see if the lucky restroom-goer ahead of you is nearly done. And if you see a silhouette of that person dilly-dallying by coiffing his hair or powdering her nose, you can bang out your protest.

The Cheesecake Factory

700 Pike St The slices of dessert aren't the only thing decadent about the Cheesecake Factory; the restrooms are much fancier than you'd expect from an all-American "family restaurant" chain. Make a few trips while you dine, to burn off your super-sized dinner.

Theater Schmeater

1500 Summit Ave The restroom here is risky. Instead of standard metal-wall stalls, each toilet "stall" is wrapped in a theater-style curtain--very DIY, like the rest of the facility. Which means if the curtain's closed, you can't knock to see if it's occupied, and pulling back the curtain could reveal a show you didn't pay to see.

Twilight Exit
2020 E Madison St The restroom here mirrors itself, with a short stall partition dividing the entire narrow room in half; there's a toilet, sink, and door on each side. Resist the urge to stand on your commode and see if the graffiti is greener on the other side.

Elysian Brewing Co.
1221 E Pike St The Elysian's restrooms make this a great place for a first date. Whether your dinner is going remarkably well or totally cruddy, you can always use a confidence boost halfway through. Head to the restroom, where the mirrors do the boosting: They're the rare kind of mirrors that make one looker taller and thinner. Strike a pose, and take a long gaze before heading back to the table, you sexy bitch.

The Men's Room
1501 E Madison St Sharing a space with C. C. Attle's (home of the worst name this side of Fremont's forthcoming Moisture Festival) and the Cadillac Grill (home to food), the Men's Room is the only men's room in town where you can eat, drink, and do your business all in one spot. Viva la convenience!

Crest Cinema Center
16505 Fifth Ave NE A men's restroom done entirely in mint-green tiles--a breath freshener for the soul.

Richard Hugo House
1634 11th Ave Certain visits to the restroom take longer than others: Some people are just looking to tinkle; others need to unload an entire turkey dinner. The lights in Richard Hugo House's strangely high-tech restrooms are on timed switches that accommodate this kind of variance. Just press the button that corresponds with the time you think you'll need inside: 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour.... The trick is to be sure you don't underestimate. It's kind of harrowing (but also kind of fun) when the lights go out mid-poop.

Victrola Coffee & Art
411 15th Ave E You might feel a little silly wielding a kitchen-implement key ring as you shuffle toward this restroom, but you can look forward to an eyeful of cool posters once you make it inside.

925 E Pike St Not only is Neumo's host to an ever-fabulous series of music shows, it's also the hot new place to hurl! According to an ear-witness, three weeks ago some guy vomited in the men's room for at least half an hour. Bravo!

P. F. Chang's
Westlake Center Nothing much to be said about these restrooms, except that you have to take a meat-locker-cold, studio-apartment-sized freight elevator down a couple floors to get to them. Whee!

13 Coins
125 Boren Ave N For bladders that never empty, a restroom that never closes. Plus, 24-hour lobster!

1926 Second Ave Ah, the glory of trough peeing. The fantastic lineup of penis heads shooting pee into a baby-size, bathtub-like receptacle undoubtedly makes the pee-shy squirm, but some of us rather enjoy the pleasure of comradely urinating rituals. For the dive-bar-goer who enjoys the sport of free-spirited peeing, nothing quite equals the peeing trough in the men's room at the Nitelite, which has a kind of dingy charm and zero privacy--especially since you can get a perfect side-angle view of the trough and wiener parade in the mirror where you wash your hands.

Meridian 16 Cinemas
1501 Seventh Ave Any architectural plan that involves the construction of a semisecret floor just to house the restrooms is all right in our book. If you've ever had to whiz mid-film we're sure you'll agree. Tucked away on an isolated floor, these restrooms are really big and strangely intimidating. The blue lighting is a deviously clever touch (creating an eerie, slasher-film atmosphere, which helpfully loosens the bowels) while the lack of paper towels is a stupidly devious insult, forcing far too many self-respecting citizens to wipe their hands on their pants.

Stranger Entryway
1535 11th Ave Ah, the pleasure of sun-warmed, urine-soaked pavement. Judging from the smell, every hobo in this town is subsisting on asparagus.

2331 Second Ave This absolutely dreamy women's room is stocked with a real-live turntable and a fabulous collection of records. Deejay while you pee!

Kerry Hall
710 E Roy St In the basement of Cornish's Kerry Hall exists the most gorgeous urinal in all Seattle. It is huge, and it is beautiful.

1510 11th Ave Widely praised as the most luxurious ladies' room on Capitol Hill, Barça's girls' loo boasts private stalls, fresh lilies, a velveteen settee, and a graceful pedestal ashtray. It's also a nice place to have a drink when the bar gets too crowded. (And the ladies didn't seem to mind a couple of guys hanging around, smoking cigars, and watching them primp.)

Bad Juju Lounge
1518 11th Ave In a witty bit of floor-planning, the Bad Juju's VIP men's room boasts a crotch-level aquarium forming part of the wall, overlooking the rest of the bar, and offering lucky patrons the possibility of a glimpse of VIP genitals.

George & Dragon Pub
206 N 36th St In an attempt to alleviate the awkward social situations that accompany two urinals in one cramped space, the good folks at the George & Dragon have placed the upcoming schedule of televised soccer matches on the wall so patrons have somewhere to place their eyes while rubbing elbows and dispelling pee. Unfortunately, the effort is undermined by the placement of the sink, which requires hand-washers to shove past all pissers. But it's the thought that counts.

Pacific Place
600 Pine St The restroom on the concourse level is always clean, which, considering the surrounding traffic, is something of a miracle.

University of Washington's
Suzzallo Library AKA Boys Gone Wild, broadcast live on Wangalodeon.

The Honey Bucket
The most unfortunately named product this side of Liquid-Plumr Foaming Pipe Snake has always been a strange, stinky enigma. What about human waste is even remotely reminiscent of honey? We don't want to know. God Bless the Honey Bucket.

Wild Rose
1021 E Pike St It's like some freakish alterna-universe of compensatory justice, where women rarely have to wait in line to pee and often get to use the men's room!

Ali Baba
408 Broadway Ave E The grubby little restrooms are easily the least appealing things about this entirely delicious new Greek/Mediterranean joint, situated in the historically damned Broadway suite formerly occupied by the Hollywood Burger Co., Pasta Ya Gotcha!, and that weird little Thai place. Every Seattle citizen who's spent the last 10 years pretending that Cedars on NE 43rd St is "delicious" should visit Ali Baba immediately, as this place is scrumptious and deserves to live.

Ballet Restaurant
914 E Pike St Again, the restrooms are nothing to write home about, but any toilets located in such close proximity to the eternal yum that is Ballet--home to the most consistently delicious, reasonably priced vegetarian fare on Capitol Hill--automatically get love from us. The ice in the urinals is a nice touch.

Ladies Rooms
Everywhere It's a fact: No matter where you are, the ladies' room is always less disgusting than the men's room, and for years, smart, finicky men have been making use of the usually-cleaner/always-better-smelling women's facilities. Rules of the game: Guys can only use single-occupancy girls' rooms with a lock on the door and no actual women waiting outside. (And put the fucking seat up before you start and down when you're done.)

Continental Baths' Club Seattle
1520 Summit Ave The only joint in town whose restrooms sell enema hoses. (Except, of course, Wild Ginger.)

The Pink Door
1919 Post Alley The Pink Door is a warm, sweet, quirky gem of a place, and these attributes are thrown into stark relief by the restaurant's restrooms' clean, nondescript facilities located in a startlingly chilly and well-lit hallway that is the antithesis of the Pink Door proper. A trip to the john is a jarring experience, but it only makes your return to the restaurant that much sweeter.

Crocodile Cafe
2200 Second Ave The most well-patrolled restrooms in the city, with trouble-hunting bouncers touring the johns every 10 minutes. Snort/toke/fuck elsewhere, you pig.

EMP's Science Fiction Museum
325 Fifth Ave N A science-fiction museum? Kill us now. A science-fiction museum with science-fiction-themed restrooms? Race you there! According to publicists, Paul Allen's forthcoming musée du geek will feature "intergalactic restrooms" designed to "accommodate humans and aliens alike!"--adorned with "innovative bathroom signs" and "undisclosed science-fiction themes." If there's one thing we love, it's undisclosed science-fiction themes.

Zig Zag Cafe
1501 Western Ave, #202 With its bright pink lighting and warm room temperature, the ladies' room at Zig Zag has a sweet, bordello-y vibe, made all the more charming by the facelift-in-a-fuse lighting design, which makes even the most haggard lassie look a li'l prettier.