So you’re finally here, in a big city with lots of different people. When you lived in the small town, the only place you saw people who didn’t look like you was on TV. Now they are out and about in real life, in flesh and blood; they sit next to you on the bus, stand in front of and behind you in grocery lines, sell you bongs in seedy cigarette shops.

Some of these different-looking people are black men, and some of these black men have attractive bodies and mysterious eyes. Something in you not only wants to meet some of these black men, but also fuck them. If you are in this condition, known as “jungle fever” (there’s also yellow fever, but that’s another matter altogether), then here are a few important things you should know about having sex with a black man.

First and foremost, when the black man you are about to get it on with pulls down his pants and reveals a shockingly small penis, try your very best not to look upset or surprised or confused. Look pleased or supportive or, best of all, like you didn’t even notice a thing. Black men with small penises have the hardest time in this society. Like a hunchback is aware of his physical flaw, the black man with a small penis is aware of the fact that he is a walking, breathing disappointment, the living negation of an enormous sexual myth. Even normal-looking, and normal-performing, brothers feel the guilt and burden of not being all they are rumored to be.

Don’t ask a brother to go down on you. It’s not going to happen, and brothers also don’t care for long sessions of foreplay. Just get right to it and keep it simple, keep it real.

While having sex, do not call the brother a “black stud,” or “hot chocolate,” or “my nigger.” Just moan and don’t register his race, even though that is the only reason why you are fucking him.

Don’t play hiphop while having sex with a black man. Why? Because he’ll start thinking that he’s nothing more to you than a substitute for some fantasy rapper you’ve seen on BET—50 Cent, Nelly, LL Cool J.

The music of Barry White, however, is cool.

Now this is very important: Don’t act and talk like a sister during sex. If a brother wants to go to bed with a sister, he’ll do just that—go to bed with a sister. The reason why he is going to bed with you is because you are white, and so act and talk like you look, white.

Missy Elliott, your favorite sister rapper on BET, has warned you about “two-minute brothers.” Well, you don’t even know the half of it. There are one-minute brothers out there, and you just might end up with one. If that happens, sorry, so sorry. There’s nothing anybody can do about that.

After sex, don’t look puzzled or lost in thought. The brother will think you are disappointed with the whole affair.

Charles Mudede—who writes about film, books, music, and his life in Rhodesia, Zimbabwe, the USA, and the UK for The Stranger—was born near a steel plant in Kwe Kwe, Zimbabwe. He has no memory...

6 replies on “So You’ve Decided to Sleep with a Black Man”

  1. I’m sitting here after reading “So You’ve Decided to Sleep with a Black Man” and trying to find an appropriate response. The article is a bit of a contradiction, trying to combat the stereotyping of black men but then creating new ones e.g. “Don’t ask a brother to go down on you. It’s not going to happen, and brothers also don’t care for long sessions of foreplay. Just get right to it and keep it simple, keep it real.” I’m neither a black man nor am I a woman, but I am a man genuinely interested in the human experience. Stereotyping and labeling are not unique to any one ethnicity or gender; combatting it is good, making new ones bad.

  3. When I saw the title of this piece, I thought it could be funny but it misses. Why on earth would you suggest a girl to fiend anything other than utter disappointment after a bad experience with a two minute brother? Why should she allow him to continue a deluded existence? It suggests serious fragility in the ego of a black male. It just might do him some good to break the so called rule of not going down on a woman. Nothing about your piece encourages a woman any color to embrace the possibility of sex with a black man. It sounds like you have something personal to work out after a sad encounter with an unsatisfied white woman. Or maybe you are working to discourage women from having sex with a black man. This piece focuses mostly on negative things and I’m calling you out on it.

  4. Good satire offers laughs and insights with some clarity on a specific subject. This is not satire. It’s a jumble of a few stereotypes regarding black masculinity that were poorly combined to create laughs. It takes a nose dive after the second paragraph.

  5. what a piece of shit writing. I’ma play whatever the hell I feel like when I’m having sex, and if a man doesn’t want to go down on me, he better never expect me to go down on him, Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, whatever.

    Every single man in this piece would get kicked out of my bed. The neurotic guy with the small-penis and a complex (because of the complex, not the small penis), the fucked up sexist who won’t go down on girls, the one who’s sleeping with me for being a piece of white meat, the one who lasts one minute…but the one who gets the biggest kick is the piece of shit writer who creates stereotypes as he ‘tries’ to break them down, fails at satire, and reveals his own insecurity in his ethnic identity.

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