I know what you’re thinking. If I’m so proud of my friendship with Michael, why don’t I use my name? Because. As Michael said, the world is full of cold-hearted people who can’t understand true goodness and only want to believe the worst about people. Also I don’t want Gloria Allred showing up and trying to make me sue Michael’s estate or something. Have you ever seen her close-up? She looks like a melting wax Muppet. “Melting wax Muppet!” Michael and I would squeal whenever we saw her on TV. Then we’d cheer ourselves up by playing Fuzzy Bumpers, this game where you take off your shirt and pants, and have a tickle fight in a fur sleeping bag with the lights off.
Why are you looking at me like that? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MICHAEL WARNED ME ABOUT. “People don’t understand truly good and innocent loving friendship,” he’d say. Then we’d play Crazy Birthday—that’s where you get a huge cake then take off your shirt and pants, and have a crazy cake fight! Afterward I’d be covered in frosting, and Michael would play Cat Mommy and lick it all off!
STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. THERE WAS NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT IT, YOU PERVS. Like Michael said, some people are so frightened of goodness they’ll make up lies to destroy it. And it’s true. Everyone acts like Michael’s supposed to be this huge monster. But would a monster let me stay at his house and eat all the candy I wanted? Would a monster pay for my little sister’s skin grafts? Would a monster make sure to give my mom a check each and every time we visited?
It’s people like you who drove Michael to go join the angels. I hope you’re happy.