Skrillex may be famous for ruining dubstep, but his haircut is more famous. While the 24-year-old festival DJ from Los Angeles (real name Sonny Moore) has vaulted to superstardom and the limelight, his haircut has grown uncomfortable with the constant attention. The story of Skrillex's Haircut isn't so cheery. There has been struggle. On the surface, we see raves and fame and high-school goth girls taking pictures of themselves in the bathroom. Reality, however, is that Skrillex's Haircut is more quiet and eccentric, leading a tortured life of denial. Being a mega-mega-star has taken its toll. If you have a girlfriend, chances are she has had a Skrillex haircut at some point. Has anyone thought to ask the haircut how it feels about that? Better yet, has anyone thought to ask Lindy West how the haircut feels?

What makes you happy?

Alberto VO5.

What in particular pisses you off?

Symmetry.

What got you into art collecting? The pieces you've acquired have garnered some attention. You have The Holy Virgin Mary collage by Chris Ofili, the one with elephant dung. And a peanut-butter-and-jelly Mona Lisa by the avant-garde Brazilian artist Vik Muniz. You also have the blood painting by Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse?

My publicist said this interview was going to be about my upcoming book, I'm More Than Hair. I do like art. But can we talk about my book, like we agreed?

You have a child with Chloë Sevigny? What's its name? Where did you meet Chloë?

Next question.

We can't talk about Chloë Sevigny?

Alberto VO5 makes me happy.

Are you sad you ended up as Skrillex's Haircut? Of all the things you could have been? You could have ended up as a tree, or a conch shell, or a page of a Haruki Murakami story. Or a cheetah. What do you wish you could have been?

Miley Cyrus's haircut. A cheetah would have been nice, too, for, like, a day.

What kind of music do you like?

What's the exact opposite of ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky ticky WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAOOOOOWWWW takatakatakatakatakatakatakatakataka SCRONCH?

I don't know. A college a cappella group singing Billy Joel songs, maybe?

That, then. That. That one. Yes. My favorite band is the Testostertones. And Gershwin.

You've grappled with substance abuse. How are you now? What did you grapple with?

Hair-oin. It was just a phase. I'd say I'm halfway grown out of it.

Do you have hobbies?

I hate the word "hobby." It's so pedestrian. I prefer to say that I have "passions." And my passions are fermenting my own kombucha, typography, gum, and Man v. Food. Also fucking.

Fucking? I read in Vanity Fair that you're into "tantric sex." How did you get into tantric sex?

Dennis [Franz] got me into it when we were both living at the Chateau Marmont in '84. Did you ever stop to realize that your most powerful sex organ is your mind? Tantra is basically like jacking off with your brain—and that really revolutionized my sex life, seeing as I don't have hands or genitals. Technically, I don't have a brain, either, since I'm just a clump of hair, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it, as they say. I'm totally doing an orgasm right now! Don't tell Skrillex.

Wait, you were around in the mid-'80s? Was Skrillex even born yet?

Yeah, I was around. Back then everybody just called me The Freaky Goth Chick.

What does Skrillex think of you having tantric sex? Is it true you banged his mom?

WHAT WE HAD WAS BEAUTIFUL AND FINE, AND YOU WILL NOT BESMIRCH THE GOOD NAME OF JUDY SKRILLEX IN MY PRESENCE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Are you sick of being copied? Walking down the street and seeing other haircuts just like you?

It can be overwhelming. Sometimes it's too much. Sometimes I just want to be me. But then, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I mean, where would I be without the letter P?

I don't get it. What about the letter P?

Look at it. Look at the letter P. I look exactly like the letter P. Look at it.

Like, the shape of the letter? Because of the part that sticks down?

It's called the STEM. IT IS A TYPOGRAPHY JOKE.

Yeah, I don't really think it works.

Your mother doesn't work.

Is Skrillex pissed that you get interview requests and he doesn't?

Not a problem. I used to get a lot more interview requests, but they've petered out lately. Apparently journalists complained that our conversations were a little one-sided.

I wanted to ask about your bungalow in Tuscany, where you go to get away from it all. Is that where you met Chloë Sevigny? I've heard Barbara Streisand has visited, and that Skrillex has to act like he's not there. He has to close his eyes and wear earplugs the whole time.

One word for you. One magical word: chloroform.

Do you support any charities?

I founded my own nonprofit, actually, an offshoot of Locks of Love. It's called Locks of I Don't Know... Whatever. We donate wigs to the garbage. I think. Whatever.

What's your favorite time of day?

Dude, I'm hair. I'm literally made of hair. I can't tell time.

You can't tell time, but you can have orgasms and opinions about typography?

I'm Skrillex's Haircut. I contain multitudes. I'm complicated.

No, you're not. You're just long on the one side and short on the—

This interview is over.