How many times has this happened to you: You go to a show, let’s say Echo & the Bunnymen, you stake out a prime spot where all the tall guys won’t block your view of the lovely Ian McCulloch, and some shitfaced amateur who loved the band as much as you did 10 years ago (but hasn’t been to a show since) barges into your bliss?
He squawks loudly and stupidly into the back of your head, backs into you until you’re squashed up against the wall, sloshes his drink on you, and refers to his wife as “The Wiff.” And then he proceeds to sing every song lyric out loud to her while doing that half-kneeling, “ah-man-this-is-fuckin’-great!!!” thing that invades your space even further.
You ask him to back off, and then he grouses for the remainder of the show about how he paid for his ticket so he can do whatever he wants, bitch. Your night is ruined until they leave during the encore because he wants to “beat the traffic,” like all the amateurs do.
What do you do when you find yourself in this unfortunate situation? Allow me to suggest move #3 from my upcoming book, Fifteen Ways to Enjoy the Show When Amateurs are Ruining Your Night. Move #3 involves a safety pin, a swift hand, and an iron-clad poker face. Poke in the thigh, look innocent, and repeat until the fucker leaves, worrying all the way home about having a stroke.