For most people, going to the bathroom is a burden—a necessary
evil of the food and drink we must consume to stay alive. Our waste is,
and always has been, a social faux pas, both in firsthand contact and
in conversation. Occasionally though our bodily waste plays a grander
role, working in strange ways to shape our culture and change history,
from the days of noblemen to the modern era of the pop star. The
following is a collection of some of the most notable moments in
urination history.
• For hundreds of years, it is believed that Danish astronomer
and nobleman Tycho Brahe, whose studies led to the discovery of
planetary motion, died in 1601 as a result of holding his pee too long
at a formal dinner. He had attended a lengthy banquet at which it would
have been inconceivably rude to leave the table before dismissed, and
the resulting strain on his bladder was thought to have caused an
infection that killed him several days later. Thanks to modern
scientific hair analysis, it is now known that he died of mercury
poisoning, which is much, much less funny.
• Sexual Inversion, the first English medical textbook
on homosexuality, is published by Havelock Ellis in 1897. Ellis goes on
to write many volumes about human sexuality, though he remains a virgin
until the age of 32, when he marries an open lesbian. Ellis is impotent
until the age of 60, when he finally becomes aroused at the sight of a
woman urinating. He coins the term for this fascination “undinism,” but
it is now known as “urolagnia.”
• In the early 1940s, American painter Jackson Pollock
drunkenly urinates into the fireplace of one Peggy Guggenheim during a
New Year’s Eve party. This is to be the beginning of a famous
friendship between the two, as Guggenheim would go on to support
Pollock financially for the rest of his career.
• In 1984, a gray Volkswagen Rabbit is stuck in rush-hour
traffic in downtown Bellevue. Scott Kirby, age 4, desperately needs to
go to the bathroom. His mother, Lauren, hands him a discarded cup and
instructs him to pee in it. Something immediately goes wrong, and Scott
begins screaming and urinating all over the inside of the car and in
the face of his younger brother, Jeff, who is helplessly stuck in his
car seat. Scott will never let his younger brother forget this
story.
• Wet Set magazine begins publication in 1993 as a
low-budget newsletter. It quickly grows to a high-quality magazine for
“panty pissers, bed wetters, diaper lovers, and anyone who loves to
read about embarrassing accidents or golden showers.”
• Robert “R.” Kelly is indicted in 2002 for soliciting a minor
for child pornography, seven counts of videotaping the acts, and seven
counts of producing child pornography. The videotape, which made its
way onto the internet and into infamy, depicts Kelly urinating on the
face of a 14-year-old. Kelly still faces the charges, but for some
reason has yet to go to trial.
• In a 2005 performance, Fergie just can’t hold it any longer
and pees herself onstage at a Black Eyed Peas show. She continues
singing and dancing through the set with a giant wet spot on her pants.
Controversy sweeps across the internet regarding whether or not the
event actually happened, with pictures and videos popping up on blogs
and YouTube. The debate is finally put to rest when Fergie admits to it
on a UK TV program, saying, “We had to rush onstage before I had the
chance to go to the restroom. It was a very embarrassing night for me.”
For the first time in her career, I actually kind of respect Fergie.
She is so devoted to entertaining her fans that she can’t waste a
couple minutes finding a bathroom—that’s the sign of a true
entertainer. It almost makes up for how many times I’ve had to hear
that “My Humps” song. 