So here you are. While it’s unlikely you got through high
school without some exposure to drugs, college is when you’re
practically required to try them.
Don’t be scared: Drugs can smell fear.
More than anything, drugs want to be your friend. Some drugs are
good friends—the kind that encourage you, help you relax and
celebrate, and escort you to fascinating new places. Others are bad
friends—the kind that are nice until you refuse to lend them
money and then they torch your house.
As with anything worth doing, drugs demand moderation. Used
habitually, any drug is habit-forming, and things you learn to do while
high—study for exams, meet parents of boyfriends/girlfriends,
survive the holidays—you’ll be tempted to do high for the rest of
your life. However, with proper care and restraint, collegiate drug
experiments can be a source of enlightenment, entertainment, and
adventure. Here are some drug-specific pointers to help you find your
way.
Marijuana
AKA: Pot, grass, weed, chronic, coughy ha-ha.
METHOD OF INGESTION: Smoked, eaten.
EFFECTS: A warm, time-expanding fuzziness that amplifies the
hilarity and deliciousness of everything.
SIDE EFFECTS: Short-term memory loss (never a good thing for
students, who are spending a lot of time and money cramming stuff into
their brains), bottomless appetite, occasional paranoia.
FOR BEST RESULTS: Conduct initial experiments in a safe space free
of stress and social obligation. If you find you enjoy pot, restrict
usage to weekends, preferably late morning, en route to a pancake house
and a matinee.
CEASE USAGE IF: You gain more than 20 pounds from munchie-induced
gorging; you can’t remember what you’re supposed to remember.
Methamphetamine
AKA: Crystal, meth, crystal meth, the poor man’s life-ruiner.
METHOD OF INGESTION: Smoked, snorted, injected.
EFFECTS: Frazzled alertness, compulsive horniness, grossly inflated
sense of self.
SIDE EFFECTS: Tooth loss, friendlessness, death.
FOR BEST RESULTS: Run in the other direction.
CEASE USAGE IF: You’re stupid enough to do it in the first
place.
Cocaine
AKA: Blow, snow, skiing, the rich man’s life-ruiner.
METHOD OF INGESTION: Snorted, smoked, injected.
EFFECTS: Temporary feeling of confidence and extreme
loquaciousness.
SIDE EFFECTS: Deviated septum, crippling annoyingness, almost
instant desire for more.
FOR BEST RESULTS: Use once if you must, twice if you love it, three
or more times if you want trouble.
CEASE USAGE IF: You’re sleeping with dealers to support your
habit.
Ecstasy
AKA: E, X, MDMA, happy-fun pills.
METHOD OF INGESTION: Swallowed.
EFFECTS: Four to six hours of ravishing happiness and emotional
openness.
SIDE EFFECTS: Clenched teeth, day-after depression.
FOR BEST RESULTS: Once a year for the duration of your college
career.
CEASE USAGE IF: You’re extending your college career so you can keep
doing Ecstasy.
LSD
AKA: Acid.
METHOD OF INGESTION: Absorbed on tongue.
EFFECTS: Fascinatingly fractalized experience of space and time,
hallucinations.
SIDE EFFECTS: Scary knowledge of the intimate workings of the
universe.
FOR BEST RESULTS: Use with close friends, in nature, no more than
once a year.
CEASE USAGE IF: You value your sanity.
Mushrooms
AKA: ‘Shrooms, funny fungus.
METHOD OF INGESTION: Eaten, drunk as tea.
EFFECTS: Kinda like LSD, but less intense, friendlier.
SIDE EFFECTS: Similar to acid, with an extra risk of puking from the
grossness of the mushrooms.
FOR BEST RESULTS: (See LSD).
CEASE USAGE IF: (See LSD).
Heroin
AKA: Smack, horse, dope, sweet lady H.
METHOD OF INGESTION: Snorted, smoked, injected.
EFFECTS: An avalanche of ravishing, full-body pleasure compressing a
lifetime of orgasms into one 90-minute rush.
SIDE EFFECTS: Puking, almost instant enslavement to that avalanche
of ravishing, full-body pleasure compressing a lifetime of orgasms into
one 90-minute rush.
FOR BEST RESULTS: Stay away. Like crystal meth, heroin is one of the
rare drugs that’s not worth fucking with even once. Satisfy your opiate
cravings with the occasional stray Vicodin.
CEASE USAGE IF: You dare to start.
Abstinence
Just because lots of people experiment with drugs in college doesn’t
mean you have to. Don’t let anyone pressure you, even if they’re sexy.
Doing drugs you don’t want to do is guaranteed to result in a
craptastic experience. And refuse to do anything or anyone that
requires a “booty bump.” 
