Savage Love Sep 18, 2018 at 1:07 pm

Savage Love Letter of the Day



Four or five times a day? Every day? Maybe she just can’t get any purchase on the damn thing, what, with all the calluses and all.


Show your GF this article so she understands DGS, then emphasize to her that you enjoy the sex you have even if you don't cum.
A couple other things:
Spend a lot of time making her cum. Fingers and tongue are obvious, but also consider getting a Magic Wand with speed control off Amazon. If she hasn't been exposed to one before she will love it, but especially when you use it on her.
Similar to you I did not lose my virginity until I was in my mid 20's, but I did not start having regular sex until I was 32. As a result, I had gotten very used to cumming when reclining or lying on my back. That is part of the reason why I think it is more difficult for me to cum when I am on top of my partners vs. when they are on top of me or giving me a BJ


1) Are you still masturbating 4-5 times per day? If so, stop that for awhile.
2) "She's doing all the right things but it feels like nothing." What makes them the right things, then? Because you see it in porn? Try doing things that don't feel like nothing, too.


Unknown @2: "If she hasn't been exposed to one before she will love it"
Hashtag not all women. Just as your sexual response is not identical to every other man's on the planet, some women like vibrators generally, some of the women who like vibrators like magic wands, and some like neither. Better advice is not to assume things and TALK to the girlfriend about what she likes and what she'd like to try.


Search Amazon for torso only, solid silicone sex dolls. You should be able to find one for between two and three hundred dollars.

Gasp! Those are misogynistic!

Fuck you. They're no worse than realistic dildos for women.

And what they supply is the need for hip motion, rather'n arm movement, while masturbating.


Yeah, first step: just don't masturbate on days you'll have sex with her. I am, and therefore all men are* quicker to climax if they haven't masturbated that day.

Have unfulfilling masturbation sessions for a full year (which is 4 to 5 dog-years for this guy)? Versus going without for a day or two? Try going without masturbation for a few days first.

And if that doesn't work? Another intermediate step is for the GF to employ DGS on him. It won't immediately fix the PIV issue, but she will be getting him off. And she will realize "Holy Crap - you need a grip like that in order to come?!?" and will understand no human vagina could provide that. Then, once she is reliably getting him off with a hand job, she jump on his dick at the last second, then the last several seconds, etc.



So. I'm a cocksucker, and I've been sucking my current favorite cock for a few years now. When we first met, I could NOT get him to cum without some tight hand work (which I don't really care for- I only like to use my hands for balance and positioning). He said he was used to jacking off several times a day with yes, a death grip. It became my goal to get him off without any hand work... I would pull back on my hand use and vary the tightness of my mouth and gradually over a few months (and I'm talking a few dozen bjs) I eventually could make him cum without once touching his dick with my hands. And he didn't even notice that until I told him afterwards!
I don't see him as often as I used to (long-term relationships are like that), so sometimes the process needs to start all over... but not as intensely. He's told me that my 'training' has made his general sex life better... my new goal is to help with his post-cum "it's so sensitive- DON'T TOUCH IT!" and I've made some progress. Just humble-bragging to say that it IS possible to re-train your dick, but don't expect it to happen overnight and without some work!


5: he may just like a fleshlight, they are much more available. Also, Dan: 30 years of abuse? this guy is only 26 years old! I think you are taking too many pain killers still.

Hope the shoulder is better soon.


Who am I to say how much masturbation is too much? But 5 times a day is too much. Get a (different) hobby or do some volunteer work or something, jeez.


Why can't the dude just get himself off? If GF has a problem with it, that's her problem to get over, not his problem to resolve for her. I'm one of those guys, some people I cum with during Piv, most, I don't. If the person I'm with doesn't get off when I fuck her, I'm not trying sit her down and have her change her entire masturbatory patterns just so I can get the ego boost of my partner getting off from my dick. Seems to be a huge ask when the alternative is simply doing nothing and enjoying it.


Nyck @5: Realistic dildos vs unrealistic silicone sex dolls. Okay. Actually, I would like nothing more than a male sex doll that does the job. No more drama! Once I can get a version that is actually a robot and not a doll -- just lying there does not make for great sex, and any lover of mine has to perform cunnilingus -- that I can customise to look like my favourite rock star, all my problems will be solved.

BG @8: Dan was quoting himself in a letter to a previous writer with the same problem, who was older.

Sporty @10: Sure, he could give her a "this is how my cock works" and show her how to get him off with her hand. I had a partner who only came from handjobs (or very intense vibration) and it was great. No premature ejaculations; the fucking was done when, and only when, I'd had enough and wanted to switch to my hand. KFQ says this bothers her, but not whether it bothers him. However, he does say that partnered sex "feels like nothing" and who wouldn't want to change that if they could? Not coming from PIV is different from not coming from -anything- your partner does, which can be disillusioning. If a woman wasn't coming from PIV, surely you'd try a few different angles and techniques before giving up? Besides, KFQ isn't asking what he can "sit someone else down and have them do"; he's asking what HE can do. If they'd both enjoy sex more if he came, surely it's worth a try.


I think there are two issues. Everyone wants to feel ownership or responsibility for making their partner orgasm. To not do so, can make someone feel like a fool for getting naked and touching their partner in all sorts of ways only for them not to orgasm. But given the number of men and women who write in about their inability to orgasm reliably, I think Sex Ed 101 should have a disclaimer that even after trying many different things, you may still not make your partner orgasm, and that it isn’t a reflection on you or your sexual skills. Nothing kills an orgasm faster than the pressure to orgasm.

As a threshold issue, if KFQ is seeing his girlfriend a few times per week, maybe he should just stop masturbating altogether. But if he must masturbate, KFQ should use more than a few drops of lube when masturbating; a slippery hand just cannot grip as tightly. As an alternative to his hand, KFQ should try a Fleshlight, which would be an even lighter touch.

Dan mentioned anal sex a few times, and I wonder how willing KFQ’s partner or most women would be to trying anal sex in this circumstance. If KFQ’s partner is willing to try anal sex, I would say that he will definitely find her ass to provide quite a tighter grip on his cock than her vagina.


It could be an emotional or mental hang up too. My ex had this problem when we first started going on out.


@12 SublimeAfterglow "he will definitely find her ass to provide quite a tighter grip on his cock than her vagina"

I like better @6 DAVIDinKENAI's suggestion for "the GF to employ DGS" better since that will more clearly illustrate "Holy Crap - you need a grip like that in order to come?!?" without making the GF feel like her pussy 'can't do' something her ass 'can do'.


@11 I'm trying different angles and shit if she isn't cumming and if she is. This ain't college one-acts. But my point is, he shouldn't be asking what he can change, he should just have the sex and not get a complex about if he cums or not.


Curious @14: Yes, I agree. While anal sex might indeed give him the grip he needs, "Your pussy's not tight enough, can I fuck you in the ass instead?" is not likely to go over terribly well. He should broach this subject very diplomatically, if at all. Anal is varsity level sex, which I would opine he's not yet experienced enough to attempt. So his first question should be whether SHE has experience with it, and if so, he should let her take the lead. (If not, he should also let her take the lead, after they watch some instructional videos on anal sex for beginners.)

This strategy would also do little to help accomplish his goal of learning to enjoy PIV and oral.


All the DGS talk is quite valid (and there are more reasons than retraining your dick to keep lube in your nightstand drawer), but I wonder if porn as part of his self-pleasure routine could be a related issue. Based on my own experience, getting in the habit of having raunchy visual stimulation from the wide range available out there can make for a disconnect when with a real person. I’d add to the suggestion of lubed, light-touch masturbation: work on it with just your imagination for erotic stimuation.


BDF @16: Agree, even more strongly: do not, under any circumstances, say “Your pussy’s not tight enough, can I fuck your ass instead”! If you’re working on this you’re not ready for for the varsity team.


@5 What a weird post. Strip away all the weirdness and it might be good advice. Anyone familiar with them care to say if it feels more like the real thing? Could be a way to masturbate without the risk of death grip syndrome? They are prohibitively expensive.

@2 & @4 I'm a fan of vibrators but not the magic wand. Generally I want something very small that is only used externally and that just barely vibrates- I'm sensitive and anything with a lot of power just hurts. So not everyone likes the same things. Good idea to ask the gf what she likes and enjoy sex with her, but that's not really the LW's question which was about his orgasms, not hers.

@Sporty, if it's not bothering him then I agree. But most of us would like to be able to orgasm in a variety of ways so if it's something he wants to work on, Dan's advice is good and so is Sublime's.


@14/curious 2: “without making the GF feel like her pussy 'can't do' something her ass 'can do.”

Would anyone think that she would have a problem if she was blowing him to orgasm, even if he was not having orgasms in her vagina? So why should she be bothered if he came in her ass, but not her pussy? What she wants is for him to orgasm in her body, so why would she feel less good about his having an orgasm in her ass than her pussy?

@18/Maker Wes: KFQ cannot orgasm from vaginal intercourse, so therefore he cannot try anal sex? How’s that? He’s getting erections and having vaginal intercourse, he’s just not have orgasms.


@20 SublimeAfterglow
Because, as better-articulated @16 BiDanFan, both alternatives send the message "Your pussy's not tight enough" (swap the genders and imagine how much men want to hear "your dick isn't thick/long enough").

In other words, I agree with Dan's DGS advice.


Sporty @15: I wasn't actually talking about you personally. You know that, right?

Emma @19: +1 to your whole post.

Sublime @20: Add to Curious2's great answer that lots of women don't enjoy anal sex, and most who do prefer it as a "once in a while" thing. If the only way a guy could come was a way that was painful and unpleasant for me, I'd prefer he go back to his (or my) hand.


@Sublime, the answer to that question is obvious. Women are slut-shamed with insults like "stretched out pussy" and ridiculed for being "loose" and "worn out".

I agree that anal could be a good solution for them if they are both into it, but it is not bad advice to tell the LW that he needs a sensitive approach when talking about it. Also while there are women out there who really love anal and some who even prefer it, it's going to be a minority of women. The likelihood that his gf is going to be a woman who likes anal regularly rather than just every so often is really slim. It might be a way he can cum from penetrative sex, but it will probably be more a cherry on top than a full pie.


A vagina is never going to squeeze a man’s cock as hard as his hand does, but think of all the added benefits. A hand is nothing to the pillowy heaven inside.


Best he not touch himself for two weeks, then try having sex again. Five or six times a day, he’s got to deprogramme himself.


I greatly prefer pillowy heaven to hand or anal or anything.


@21/curious 2: Your response didn’t address oral sex, which I asked about. Also see my response to EmmaLiz.

@22/BiDanFan: Your response answered the question I posed @12 to guage whether Dan’s frequent mentions of anal sex made sense. Of course while anal sex may be painful for you, I do recall some other female commentors who prefer anal sex or vaginal sex, but I suspect most women would agree with you, which is why I questioned Dan’s mention of anal sex.

@23/EmmaLiz: Women getting complexes over the tightness of their vaginas seems to be the flip side of men worried that their penises are too small to please women. If you are suggesting that KFQ’s girlfriend is right to be unhappy that he needs more stimulation than her vagina in order to orgasm, that seems wrong given the advice we give to men whose sex partners need to use vibrators to orgasm.



I'm not sure if we are following each other. I see nothing wrong with your suggestion that they try anal and I likewise agree that his acquired need for tightness has nothing whatsoever to do with misogynistic slurs about women's looseness, etc. I said it's good to advice him to be sensitive in how he approaches the subject, just as I would advice a woman to be sensitive in explaining her need for a vibrator. In both cases, you should not frame it as "because your vagina is too loose" or "because your dick is too small" etc. You asked why someone might have a problem with the framing of "assholes are tighter than vaginas" and I explained it's because of a history of abusive slurs towards women about their "looseness" and slut shaming. Likewise, it would be insensitive for a woman to tell her partner that she wants to use a dildo because it's bigger than his dick. In both cases, a partner can frame things positively. "I enjoy using a vibrator" is better than "My vibrator is bigger than your dick". Likewise, "Anal sex is hot" is better than "your ass provides a tighter grip on my cock than your vagina".

Now if the question is that there is only one way to orgasm- that this man NEEDS butt sex to cum- well that's entirely different than a woman needing a vibrator to cum for the simple reason that a vibrator does not require the other partner to be penetrated. The correct analogy for the vibrator is his tight grip jacking off, which I agree again that if it doesn't bother him (if this is how he cums, this is how his body works) then the woman needs to get over it- it's not about her. I also agree that if she likewise enjoys anal sex, that this could be a good solution for them.


@28/EmmaLiz: Anal sex wasn’t my suggestion, it was Dan’s. In fact, in my first post @12, I was asking whether any women would find this a reasonable solution because it came up several times in Dan’s response, and I was doubtful it was a likely answer, even if I thought it would provide a tighter grip.

“You asked why someone might have a problem with the framing of ‘assholes are tighter than vaginas.’"

I did not ask this question anywhere; it was @curious 2 who recharacterized what I said to suggest that anal sex would imply KFQ telling his girlfriend her pussy isn’t right enough.


Sublime, if I've misunderstood you, I'm sorry. In response to curious, you asked why it would theoretically feel different to her if she made him cum via mouth but not vagina as opposed to via asshole but not vagina. I said it would depend on how he frames it. If he frames it as "your asshole has a tighter grip on my cock" which were your words (referencing Dan) then that is touching on a sensitive point that is relevant to anal but not to oral. No man ever says "I want oral because your lips are tighter than your pussy" but they do say this about anal. So I was just trying to answer your question @20- to say why it might make a difference to her if it's her butt or mouth or pussy which is what I thought you were asking, and then offering a way around that potential difficult feeling by being sensitive. That's all. I wasn't trying to claim anything else or disagree with your advice which I said is really good. I know you are not claiming any of these things yourself, I know you did not come up with that advice, I tried also to engage with your question about how many women would find it reasonable, etc. If I misunderstood your question @20, I'm sorry.


@30/EmmaLiz: Thank you. Explaining a woman’s thoughts on oral sex versus anal sex made things clear.


Sublime @27: Where did Dan suggest anal sex? I don't see any mention of it in his response. (checks again) Ah, he groups it in together "PIV, PIA or PIM." He doesn't say, "If the vagina isn't tight enough, try anal." He's just making a general statement of the acronyms describing the sex they may or may not be having, since the LW himself did not specify.

And it was me who initially warned that a request for anal might come across as "your pussy isn't tight enough." As EmmaLiz says, imagine a woman telling a man she wasn't coming during PIV because his dick wasn't big enough. I agree with everything Emma says, except she is using the term "vibrator" to mean both vibrator and dildo. The first of which is a toy used externally on the clit, which is nothing like a dick, and which would therefore not be as insulting to a man to suggest was necessary for climax. If a woman were unable to come because the man's dick wasn't large enough and she wanted him to use a giant dildo, it would similarly be advisable to state this as diplomatically as possible to avoid hurting his feelings.


Thanks Sublime. :)

BDF Some vibrators are huge and can be inserted, but yes you are correct that I used the terms interchangeably- mostly because I was trying to stay on topic to maintain the analogy when yes, a vibrator actually has nothing to do with dick size in the way a dildo does, but it's far less common for a woman to fuck herself with a dildo than it is for her to get off using a vibrator. Also, if we stray into "that's just how X's body works" land, then a woman needing a vibrator to cum is nothing at all like a man needing anal to cum. The one is something a person does to themselves, the other is something that someone does to someone else. The correct analogy for a woman needing a vibrator is a man needing to jack off- which is the case of this guy and I agree with Sporty up above that if he's cool with that, then the problem is actually that the girlfriend's ego is tied up in feeling like she has to be the one to make it happen which could cause a lot of stress to both of them and ruin an overall fun time by focusing on what happens at the end. I've had good sex plenty of times that involved the dude jacking off in the finale. There are some advantages to this as well, including pregnancy avoidance if she's not on bc and seeing the ejaculation if you are into that sort of thing. They could have fun with this.

But most of us would like to cum in a variety of ways just to keep things fun and interesting, and my guess is that the dude who needs a tight grip and the woman who can only cum from a vibrator would all have more fun if they could expand their orgasmic range a bit- the trick is to find a way to do it that is not stressful and that does not eliminate current pleasure, and I'm not so sure that Dan's suggestion of "you don't get to cum" is good advice. Especially for this couple in which the woman already has a hang up about it- how she's going to feel if the dude is just like "well I didn't cum from sex with you AGAIN and so now AGAIN I'm just not going to cum at all". I agree with Sublime that actually better advice is that yes, LW should work on this but ALSO yes the gf (and people in general) need to stop thinking of their partner not having an orgasm in various ways as a failure or a statement on their own skills.


@32/BiDanFan: By included PIA, I understand Dan to be suggesting anal sex as an option. To which I asked for the input of female reader to comment upon, because that seemed like a big ask. I did state, based on personal experience, that KFQ would find anal sex to provide a very tight grip, which he might enjoy. I don’t think those comments should have led to the “your pussy isn’t tight enough” comments, but at this point, the horse has left the barn.


Isn't the whole point of Dan's patented DGS recommendation to NOT continue to use the death grip (and I think this implies to NOT use tighter alternatives to what isn't working) to retrain one's dick to be able to come from pussy instead of just a death grip.


I have hardly any experience with anal sex as a "top", but I wonder if the extra tightness of the anus is the right kind to combat "death grip syndrome". The sphincter is potentially tight but if the "P" is in the "A" the glans will be past the sphincter so maybe the tightness will be in the wrong place then?


I was 30 and a day when I lost my virginity (I failed to rise when a birthday surprise was attempted the night before) and after some 15 years of masturbation, came no where near a climax that first morning. I stayed hard a good long time but both my stamina and erection started to fade so I finished up with a flurry and faked an orgasm. I had not told her I was a virgin so could not bring anything up with her. I stopped masturbating all together and we had ten acts of coitus over the next twelve days (skipped a couple days, doubled down on a couple days) when finally it happened.

During that period we discovered (or more likely she gently let me know) she found it difficult to climax from PIV alone so our standard sex was for her to climb up on top and stimulate her clit on my erection until she climaxed, then I would mount her for the thrusting, sometimes slow and gentle, sometimes Hot Monkey, depending on the mood. She'd climax about one time in four, dubbing her bonus orgasm.


I’m pretty done with the death grip problem. Can there be a way to search for your particular issue in the Savage Love Archives so these boys can stop writing in?


Sublime @34: It's possible that as a gay man, Dan would be unaware of the potential veiled insult that could be inferred from a request to use a woman's ass instead of her pussy, but as I didn't see an overt "why don't you try anal" in his advice, I can't conclude that he was indeed suggesting anal without awareness of its implications. Only that, to a gay man, "sex" could have several different meanings including -- but not -necessarily- including -- anal.

"To which I asked for the input of female reader to comment upon"

And we did, so let this case be closed.

Please wait...

Comments are closed.

Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.

Add a comment

By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.