I live in a small town with slim BDSM pickings. I'm 25, and started dating a 33-year-old man last month. He's experienced in BDSM, but he's never dated anyone longer than a few months. The sex (which we are taking slow) is amazing so far, as our kinks overlap. He's sweet and respectful of my boundaries—but he's into teasing and orgasm denial, so I'm not sure if it's respect or just his kink. However...

He asked if he could call me his girlfriend at the end of our first date—I said it was too soon—and he calls me "love." He's almost exactly what I was looking for, but for the age gap, but I have this gut feeling that these are red flags. And maybe they are or maybe it's just my anxiety? I find myself vacillating between elation and suspicion. ("He's such a great guy and he's really into me! But there has to be something wrong, a guy this great can't exist, no one should be this into me this fast.") How do I tell if he is actually dangerous or just really sweet?

Cautious Kinkster

Small town, slim kink pickings—yeah, you don't wanna casually toss aside a guy whose kinks overlap with yours, CK. But you don't wanna wind up in an abusive relationship either.

Premature declarations of love and premature requests for commitment —like asking someone to be your girlfriend at the end of the first date—are definitely red flags, CK, and you gotta take red flags seriously. But taking them seriously doesn't mean ending what could turn out to be a good and loving (and hot and kinky) relationship. It means keep your eyes open and doing your due screw diligence.

Good on you for telling Mr. BDSM that it was too soon for him to call you his girlfriend—or even silently regard you as his girlfriend—and I'm assuming he knocked that shit off. (If he'd kept calling you his girlfriend, CK, you surely would've mentioned that fact—and that would be another red flag.) Now I don't want to give too much weight to the fact that he knocked that "girlfriend" talk off after the first date; respecting a new (or old!) sex partner's feelings is a baseline, CK, and not something for which a guy gets a gold star.

But while it's true that abusers often pressure new partners to make premature commitments, CK, there's another kind of person who does that sort of shit: emotionally immature people without much relationship experience. This guy hasn't dated anyone longer than a few months, so he definitely qualifies as inexperienced in the relationships department, and he may have blurted "girlfriend" out on the first date without thinking. Hell, it's possible his past relationships were brief because he's in the habit of blurting things out without thinking.

So I would advise you to be blunt: “Look, I want to keep seeing you, I think we have an amazing connection, and the sex is amazing. But asking me to your girlfriend after one date made me uncomfortable. I can understand why you're into me—I am, after all, pretty amazing—but hearing you say that made me question your emotional maturity and your judgment. It also made me worry for my safely because it's the kind of thing abusers say early in relationships. What the hell were you thinking?"

Then hear him out, CK. An abuser, when challenged, is likely to get defensive or aggressive or even try to convince you that it, whatever it that's bothering you, never actually happened. An emotionally immature and inexperienced person, on the other hand, is likelier to be mortified, take the blame, express regret, and apologize.

You'll have to use your best judgment when assessing his reaction, CK, and you'll want to be careful that desire (for more that amazing sex) or perceived scarcity (slim BDSM pickings) isn't clouding your judgment. But if it seems likethe problem was inexperience and overeagerness and not abusive assholery, then keep seeing him.

But remain vigilant, CK. If this dude starts waving other red flags around—if he tries to isolate you from your support system (family, friends), if he starts belittling you, if he gets physically threatening or violent—then you will need to bolt.