Or hire someone.

Someone wanting no-recip oral is my idea of heaven. But, like Dan said, I’m a dude.

You could also be passive aggressive about it, depending on what your ad states. You could respond and say, “hey, thanks for the compliment. Alas, I’m just looking for some no-recip oral but good luck to you on here. I’m sure there are lots of guys that are looking for the same things you are” and then the ball is in her court. She can walk away because your interests don’t match, or she can step up and say she’s open to what you want.

How the hell is anyone's first response in this situation to write a national sex columnist instead of just sending a message with what they are honestly looking for?

It's an online hook-up app, no one is expecting much.

Men are the worst.
Don't @ me

@3 NO it is NOT an hook-up app. It is a DATING app. As Dan said, find a hook up app where people are not expecting so much.

Louis CockstroKer had an episode on his teevee show where this blind-date-sorta gal sucks him off and wants a little Satisfaction, herself; when LCK respectfully declines, she punches ol' L. CockstroKer -- Hard -- in the face. So he Happily recips!

And agrees to another date with her, in the future...
The End.

If you can't treat a human being like a human being, just buy a fleshlight and some lube.

@3 men can't live with em. but can't open that jar.

How about you save everyone a lot of time and update your bio to read, "Only interested in dating hot girls but if you don't meet my standards I might let you suck me off?" It makes you sound like an asshole but your message is solid gold arse gravy so it fits.

And no, there's nothing wrong with having preferences -- in looks, personality, taste (both kinds!), etc. -- when it comes to dating. There is, however, something wrong with feeling the need to inform people you don't find attractive that are welcome to suck you off but you wouldn't be caught dead dating them. There's no polite way to say that because it's a rude-ass thing to say.

There's nothing wrong with seeking unreciprocated blow jobs, but there's no way around this particular situation in which this woman is not good enough in your mind to do anything but suck your dick. Therefore, unless that's what she's offering, it's pretty shitty of you to ask for it. There are less impolite ways to do so if you insist, but there's no polite ways.

I agree with Dan that you should seek this elsewhere. But since she did say "yum" to you, it's worth responding by asking her what she's finding yummy. She might respond by saying she wants to suck your dick in which case you can respond by agreeing and stating your boundaries. Or she might respond by asking you what YOU are thinking, in which case you can ask for it. But there's no way to respond to the "yummy" by saying she's only good enough to give you a blow job.

If you insist on doing that, the best way is to make it nonpersonal and not insulting/humiliating, etc. Say something that might be a little lie like "right now, I'm only looking for that rare woman who loves to give blow jobs" with some sort of reassurance like "I'm respectful and discreet". Then if she responds, clarify your boundaries, listen to hers, and be good at receiving a blow job- something that many men are not btw.

how do you know it's a woman?

@11 the LW says, “received a message from a woman”

And if the LW was a woman, it’s fsirly unlikely she would be looking for unreciprocated head.

What @5 said. It's a dating app. A date can be a lot of things, but a non-reciprocating blowjob is not one of them.

Ok, now I'm laughing (along with anyone familiar with power tools) at the phrase at "non-reciprocating blowjob."

Shimmy's correct also that there are some men who feel it necessary to tell you that they do not find you attractive or that they would never fuck you. They do this even when that is not what you are looking for- they just sometimes feel the need to inform you of your fuckability. And there are plenty of people who assume that cocksucking is inherently submissive or humiliating. Combine the two, and this LW could have massive problems. He used the word "serviced" twice which means he thinks of it as something someone does for someone else which implies submission or at least a chore. And he's on a dating site- not a hookup site- which implies that it's not the norm to assume a woman is hungry for random cock- again word choice maybe a red flag since she's not looking for random cock, something about him in particular made her think yummy.

On the other hand, he's looking for enthusiasm, is concerned about being polite, and the woman initiated the communication with a "yummy" not an inquire about grabbing a drink together. So... I can also see the perspective of a non-jerk guy who thinks to himself "it's not super common that I get unsolicited messages from horny women that find me attractive- I shouldn't pass up what could be a pleasant experience for all just because of manners". So again, if you insist on responding here, then just be careful how you word it.

Once a really long time ago I had a guy tell me that he was looking for a girl like his ex who had orgasms from sucking dick. It was funny to me because it seemed a really hilarious way to say he wanted lots of enthusaiastic blow jobs. I mean, how wonderful to find a guy who gets orgasms from cleaning the toilet or giving back massages- I'm looking for a guy that just really LOVES doing that. On the other hand, it was a nice enough way to express his interest in blow jobs. Most guys at that time were just crude or demanding about it- saw it as a chore or dominance and insisted upon it. The idea that this guy would be looking to enjoy someone who enjoyed it was liberating and made it a lot more fun. He was really good at receiving blow jobs, and just phrasing it in a way that it was something that he wanted a girl to do because she liked it took away all those negative associations- like about servicing or get on your knees macho bullshit. It made it fun. This was really early and probably the first time I had a good lover.

Point being, I knew damn well that his "my ex used to orgasm just from sucking" was a ploy but a lot of sex and courtship is performance so it was fine. "I'm looking for that rare woman who really loves to give blowjobs" will most likely not work- it will most likely just make her laugh and disappear. But it's a million times better than "You're only good enough to suck my dick", it gives her an out, it makes the experience mutually enthusiastic, and it leaves the door open for her to walk through if she thinks "yeah ok that could be fun" which is probably not going to happen.

Is there a difference between dating sites and hook up apps? Like, isn't even Grindr ("Your dick is 18 meters away from being sucked") predominantly for daters with hopes of long-term relationships? I've heard even the Sugar Daddy sites are full of people looking for long-term relationships.

Anyhow, to answer the LW's questions:

Are there women who will accept this arrangement? Yes, no shortage. Are there women who enjoy this arrangement? Much, much fewer. I have known girls that, well, just like to blow a rando guy every now and then - they feel powerful - but never of the submissive variety. YMMV.

I personally would not be comfortable in a relationship where one person tells the other they're not attracted to them or even knowing my friend was in a relationship like that unless it was specifically their thing. I think you'd be better off, ethically, hiring a prostitute that will let you do whatever you want. If you're looking for a taxpayer, you're way more likely to be more or less enabling someone with shitty self esteem to feel even worse about themselves.

@13 my Skilsaw has the finesse to plunge-cut your outlet and the power to go though your metal-clad cable like butter.

My understanding between dating and hook up sites/apps is this:

Dating site: dating is the default expectation though casual sex is a possibility

Hookup: casual sex is the default expectation though dating is a possibility

They are communicating on a dating site, so you shouldn't assume it's a place to look for very specific sexual arrangements. However, the woman initiated the conversation with "yummy" not with "how are you" so it's fine for him to assume she's interested in sex.

Sporty, the question isn't whether women exist to do this or how to find them (though that advice is also helpful) but rather if there is a polite way to say that to THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN in this specific situation- one in which he is not interested in the woman sexually but would let her suck his dick but she has not mentioned that. The answer is no. There is no polite way to tell someone that you are not attracted to them but would let them "service" you. But it is possible to respond in a way that could throw out what you are looking for without being offensive so long as you go into it knowing that she'll probably roll her eyes and disappear. The answer is to put it on yourself, not on her. State what you are looking for in this situation, and leave out what you're looking for in other situations. If she had not started off the conversation by indicating her sexual interest in him, then (since this is a dating site and not a hookup site) it would be pure shit behavior. But since she's salivating over him, she might be open to oral- why not find out. Just don't phrase it in a way that's insulting "you aren't hot enough to fuck" and instead phrase it clearly what you want "I'm only looking for a woman who wants to blow me". Then the impoliteness comes across as perhaps selfishness (and he is being selfish and that's fine) but not as blaming or insulting (he does not mention her at all) and it lets her think of whether or not she's what he's looking for (am I a woman that wants to blow him only?) rather than what he's not looking for (why does he feel the need to tell me he won't fuck me?).

Jesus, how come there's so many comments on this? I thought it was done @1. Just hire someone. Couldn't be easier.

Dan is mistaken, I'm pretty sure. Women who like giving no-recip NSA blowjobs to random strange men aren't on hookup apps (or dating apps) because unlike gay men who are harder to find in the general population, most single straight guys (and some not-so-single) are down for that from ANY woman. It's like that SATC episode where Samantha turns to one guy in her yoga class for sex who turns her down, and then turns to the guy on her other side, who enthusiastically accepts. Doing the asking in person definitely cuts down on the risk for the woman. Any woman doing this online would be charging for it, I would think. Or maybe playing hot wife games with her cuckold partner. The letter writer is fancying himself giving her a gift when in reality, at least for women, dick is abundant and of low value.

@17 I'd contest that there is a way to do it respectfully. You could do it in phases: "hi, I'm interested in nsa Dom/sub sex dynamic. If that interests you, let me know and I'll explain more" seems like a polite start.

@16 Is that why you keep texting me hardware store catalog picks at last call?

Good one Marrena @19, what a wank this guy is.
‘Hey sweetie, you can blow me if you really really want to.” Yeah right mate.

I understand that there are times when someone just might want to receive head and not engage in other sexual activities, but I think the LW comes off as a bit of an asshole. I'm average looking on a good day so maybe he's a super hot guy and basically has a lot of choices when it comes sexual partners, but I can't imagine a situation where I'd be cool with a woman giving me head while not being interested in other forms of sex with her. I'm either down for everything or not down for anything.

Theodore @3: That was my first thought too. But what if there's more to this than the immediately obvious? What if LW's head is saying "swipe left" but LW's willy is saying "me want"? There's something primal about “Mm yum" and perhaps LW is heftily conflicted - and attracted, despite his protestations. Regardless, LW should update his definition of attraction to include everyone who makes his dick stir.

No way. Not in a million years. A woman would have to have no self-esteem to say yes to this one. "I'm so sexy and hot I'm sure you would pay to suck my dick'. Nope. Not even for Dwayne Johnson.

LW, what's wrong with you? You want a sexual experience from a person you're not sexually attracted to. You're actually trying to figure out how to have this sexual experience with this person you're not sexually attracted to. The question you should be asking isn't "how can I go about this politely?" The question you should be asking is "what the hell's going on in my head?"

I haven't yet read any of the comments and no doubt there are some gems which I look forward to. But Dan: Bravo! That's what they pay you what I sincerely hope are big bucks for.

@19 "dick is abundant and of low value."

Yes!! Especially if you are willing to lower your standards.

And people wonder why Griz is so happily asexual. Kee-RIST.
@19 Marrena: "Dick is abundant and of low value." Marrena for the WIN!
@27 nocutename: Agreed and seconded. Spot on, Dan, as per usual.

Dude, I can't think of any woman who'd want to "service" your dick without either reciprocation and/or renumeration. I'm not versed in D/s practices, so could be there are women who get turned on by humiliation play, who would take you up on your offer of 'You're too ugg for me but you can suck my dick 'cause I'd let anything suck my dick!' Women who are confident enough to message "Mm Yum" to a stranger have lots of other chances for dicks, and are not desperate, er, "hungry for random dick" enough to not be offended by/settle for your offer.

I do get it though, I'm also extremely shallow, and mostly only date good looking guys. But I've never thought of offering no-recip to guys I'm not attracted to. Because I'm not attracted to them!
It's good that you asked Dan, I see no way for you to succeed in what you want.

this gulls me but since i know no one cares about my anecdotes...

(please note my qualifier words)
a.) no WAY the LW can be much of a looker. i'd say most straight (probably) white hot guys are not reading or writing to dan. and momreover usually THOSE kinds of lookers with prowess won't even give the time of day to anyone perceived as a troll or simply unattractive much less want a F@F meeting...unless a warm mouth is literally already staring at them in the face IN PERSON. male OR female in the time of day giving versus sex or play. i'm thinking LW isn't overly handsome. or confident. or has much game with the girls.
b.) LW says dating but could be tinder which is more "dating" than dating. get on AFF or a free sex site/app (there are tons) and stop effing around on dating sites/apps. get a hooker. or a toy. its LWs best solution aside from...
c.) like #14 says, i find LW word choices extremely peculiar and not really overly norm(ative). he uses kink and role words more than standard vanilla language or non "in-play" language so something tells me he's already traipsed around this subject matster area and if he hasn't he wants to. as such, LW should be looking for cum sluts or since this doesn't feel like dominant/ce looking for submissive(s), perhaps a servant (for or looking for a perceived "master"). service roles aren't necessarily NR, but its a more practical option given his semantics
d.) also similar to what #14 says....perhaps LW may have some inferiority complexes and is looking to be rejected (very similar to humiliation and degradation) to get off. personally any guy with the nerve to bang on like this deserves to be chided and shamed. sooo...maybe that's what he's REALLY looking to get: gone off on
e.) i find the fact that LW even wrote in obnoxious. like women don't have enough probablem with double standards and misogyny and whatnot
f.) i find more obnoxious the assumption that mmm yuummm is assumed to be GGG NSA ONS or an invite; perhaps she's asking to be raped with that short skirt low cut shirt flirtation you fuck offs

go fuck yourself LW or get trolling where you're better off

ps btw joe ordinary what you describe is not passive aggressive. its just passive. coy, veiled, underhanded, and COWARDLY. women aren't stupid. if LW thinks he deserves a NR blowjob he should have the balls to ask for it straight out. no wonder you're so ordinary :-\

Okay, 1) am I the only straight guy who likes unreciprocated head? Giving is amazing, getting... eh. 2) @25, really, not even The Rock? I mean, part of his charm is that he's just not that kind of person, but I think even a lot of 'I identity as straight' dudes (including me) might go for Johnson's, well, you know. Even if a reasonable fee had to be paid.

And now I have 'you're welcome'.

"Thanks for responding to my profile. I'm an arrogant, ignorant asshole and have already judged you to be repugnant, but hey! If you're in to that sort of thing, and don't mind putting a bag with a mouth-sized hole in it over your head, I would tolerate you sucking my dick."

"Oh. And please don't be offended by this message :-) Have a Trumperrific Day!"

@22 LavaGirl You got it, what a wank this guy is. If they are communicating on a dating site, LW should easily be able to see what this woman is looking for. That's the whole point of posting profiles, right? Unless her profile says "I'm looking to suck off dudes that aren't interested in me otherwise" - LW should not even respond if that is all he's looking for. (And he shouldn't even be on a dating site if that's the case.)

Joe @12: Hee hee! Yes, because everyone on a dating sites who says they're a woman is one. My poor naive friend. Dan, you knocked it out of the park. SERVE, think of how you would feel if you messaged someone and they replied "well, you're ugly, but you can go down on me if you want."

I think LW should just go for it - then the woman can post his message and entire profile on the internet for everyone to laugh at and the rest of the wlm in the area can be warned off.

Emma @14: A long while back, a friend of mine told me that a guy she was dating said "I want to make love to your mouth." Smoooooth!

Sporty @15: Yeah, that's the problem, a lot of men don't seem to think there is a difference. No, Grindr isn't primarily for men who think an anonymous cock suck will lead to a relationship, though this sometimes does happen. And yes, sugar daddy sites are attempts to find long-term financial arrangements. Short-term ones are known as "sex work." Some sites serve both -- on OKCupid, for instance, people can indicate whether they're interested in long- or short-term relationships versus casual sex and whether they're monogamous. Other sites are niche and we should take this guy's word that it was a "dating site" not a "hookup app." Unless his profile itself indicated that he was only looking for hookups, in which case it might be OK to message this woman back, say he's into receiving no-recip blowjobs (as EmmaLiz says), and see if she bites (so to speak).

Sporty @20: Sorry, but "nsa Dom/sub sex dynamic" does not in any way suggest to me "give me head and then go away."

Surfrat @23: A "bit"!? :)

Bouncing @26 and Iseult @30: Right on!

Donny @33: Nailed it again, you omnipotent comment god, you!

Excellent phrasing from Mr Savage.

The idea that it's perfectly okay to make LW's request of gays, however, is pure LMB. Perhaps the assembled company can appreciate better why straight-chaser or straight-servicer ought to be completely a separate identity from gay.

I happen to work for a dating site, and I see this type of dude all. The. Time. Nothing he says to this woman will be impolite based on the bullshit in his letter, and he's likely to get himself kicked off whatever site he's using for being an asshole.

Sorry, nothing he says will be polite

SERVE, WTF is wrong with you? You selfish asshole. Just because you want something doesn't mean you can ask everyone for it. Fuck you, SERVE.

p.s. SERVE, if you did ask and she did agree, it would probably be to bite your dick off. If that sounds good to you, go ahead and ask people you have .00000000001% chance of getting a 'yes' from.

p.p.s.
I think and hope it's a fake letter.

@44: Sadly, I'm sure it's real.

I can't resist noting that just last column Sportlandia wanted us all to share his anger at the poor hurting messed up woman who formerly cut herself,

and now @20 he's NOT angry at (and thinks his invited request can be done politely) this asshole.

@45 nocutename
Yeah you're probably correct; at least this asshole WANTS to start replying to women (who show interest in him on a dating app) in this despicable way.

Venn @39: I happen to agree that "sorry, I think you're unattractive, but you can suck my cock if you really think I'm that hot" would be rude to say to a man, too. The only difference is that there are in fact far more men into giving no-recip blowjobs than women, so the odds are higher that a male messeger would be up for it.

Curious2 @44: I agree, I'm sure it's real. Dating sites are FULL of entitled jerks like SERVE.

Curious2 @46: Yes, I noticed that too. Not to mention that he recently had zero sympathy for an 18-year-old who'd just been raped by an ex, calling her a "grown ass woman" who just needed to get over it, nor a woman who wasn't keen on the idea of having a used sex toy inserted into her, nor a 19-year-old woman who was gutted that her favourite niche porn was taken off Tumblr. Hmm, I wonder if there is any common thread here...

p.s. oops that was supposed to read " his UNinvited request"

lol @34, but this will lead to a future like the other LW who left her first husband for her second and is considering leaving the second for an online man of mystery.

@47 BiDanFan
"I wonder if there is any common thread here..."

So much 'thread' we could sew a sweater out of 'misogynist-asshole-thread'. A sweater no one would then want to wear IRL. I guess that's the answer to the question someone asked recently about why he posts here on the internet.

@38 it doesn't, but it's a starting point.

@47 @46 oh my god! Different raccoons to different LWs, what a concept!

I don't quite understand the purposes of lying about what I wrote you each other. If your don't line me, just don't like me! The power is in your hands! But what purpose does assigning arguments I never made serve? You don't need a reason to not like me. Is it just to make sure you feel better about yourself? I truly don't understand.

Loved waiting for the drop with Dan's sentence beginning 'sadly'...

We can all politely ask for whatever we want. We can also politely tell our partners that they’re selfish untalented bastards and that we deserve better ;)

Sportlandia, it’s not a matter of not liking you, Fan is right, some of your comments do point to bias. And here you are trying to find a way to use kink language so this creep of a man can get his blow job. One of my sons is contrary, maybe that’s your impulse too. He’s still in his twenties though.

I had a really long drawn out answer. And then I read the LW letter to my 16-year-old daughter, to which she replied "screw that". Nuff said.

About those hookup apps. Those into giving no-recip blowjobs will most likely say so in their profile text, or at least offer it in conversation. Everyone else is likely to be insulted. It is not something the top should ask for from a specific person, but it should be a part of the top's profile text if that's all they are looking for.

vab251 @57; no it’s not all he is looking for, it’s his response to a particular woman who appreciated his profile. He thinks given she thought him yummy, he’d throw her a bone to suck on.

I can't begin to speak for either a straight man who lets a gay or bi man give him head, nor the gay or bi man who wants to give non-reciprocated head to a straight man, but at least in that scenario there is an obvious, logical reason why the blow job wouldn't be reciprocated that would spare the feeling of the giver: the person getting his cock sucked isn't attracted to ANY man--it's not a personal insult in quite the same way as it is to say:
"I like women but not YOU . . . but hey, if you think I'm attractive, you can suck my dick. Just don't expect me to return the favor, or in fact, to touch you in any way. Because I find you completely unattractive."

@47: BiDanFan: "I agree, I'm sure it's real. Dating sites are FULL of entitled jerks like SERVE."
True; yet sadly (again), I'm not limiting this level of entitlement and jerkiness to dating sites. I've met guys like this irl, too, more times than I'd like to think.

@60 nocutename
"I've met guys like this irl, too..."

Have y'all really seen a guy say something IRL as inhuman as this (turning down someone then say that they

"...would allow them to blow you but you will not reciprocate or return affection and that [they] are not interested in them for anything other than being serviced")?

That makes me sick. (Wait, Trump probably does something like that daily.)

@61: Oh yes. More than once.

@61, 62: To be precise, I've had guys say things very much like it to me. Here's one I remember from when I was 19 (and cute and slender). We met at a youth organization dance, and had been chatting for about half an hour or so. "You're not thin enough for me to date. But we can still have sex if you want." Verbatim (stuff like that tends to stay with you).

@curious 61

Yes but I always assumed it was meant as an insult and not a genuine attempt to get a bj. But yes, there is a certain kind of misogynist who loves to tell you where you fall on their personal fuckability scale with things like "I wouldn't fuck you, but I'd let you blow me" "I'd fuck you, but only if you had a bag on your face" "l'd fuck you if the lights were out" "I'd fuck you if I wrapped my dick and balls in condoms" or "Not only would I never fuck you, but I'd never even rape you" or "Pussy's pussy so I'd fuck you, but I'd never be caught dead in public with you" etc forever.

The only reason I'm not being so harsh on this guy as some others (and the reason I did attempt to answer his question with real advice on wording) is that in my experience, the guys who are trying to insult you say all this shit UNSOLICITED - like they just feel the need to inform you of this for existing. I've heard this about other women more often than about myself, but yes I've had guys respond to me this way as well (ads and in person) and I think as a young person was I was average to good looking, athletic, etc so I can't imagine what less conventionally attractive women put up with. In my case, online I think it's because I tend to be in spaces that are often male dominated (sports, politics, punk music) but honestly I just don't know why people respond to online ads this way. In person it has always been if someone catcalled me and then I ignored them- this is their response.

But this guy is responding to someone who first contacted him and did so with a sexual "yum" so I don't know if it's too impolite for him to respond slightly dishonestly but not very rude "The only thing I'm looking for is a girl who loves to give blow jobs". I'm almost certain the woman in question will respond from slightly offended eye rolling to laughing out loud, but I don't think it's so rude as how he's phrasing it in his letter to Dan, especially considering that apparently (according to guys here) it's hard to come by women who initiating sending men sexy messages, so why not? But like the other women here, I question his motivations and wonder if actually he's just lashing out, wishing to insult and to inform her of her fuckability- hence some of his language "service" "craving random cock" etc.

Ms Fan - But as the straight-chasers/servicers often tend to get off on being badly treated, they often spread, inadvertently or otherwise, the idea that it's okay to treat all gays the way they like to be treated. One can at least see why I want them clearly recognized as a different sort of being; I'd hate to think of someone like LW treating my PLB that way.

And even when the dynamic isn't terrible between the two parties, there are all sorts of nasty assumptions. Now I'm thinking of that straight male LW getting NRO from a gay friend who pretty clearly did not want to continue the arrangement after LW found a GF. Even Mr Savage just blithely assumed the gay friend would be totally fine with continuing the NRO, and half the assembled company were ready to sentence the friend to FMMs (if not MFMs). I'm going to repeat my hope that the friend found someone to date so that the most exciting thing in his life didn't go on indefinitely being non-reciprocated servicing (which was not his thing; I would not want to deprive those for whom it is of the opportunity, but again, do NOT want to be assumed to share those tastes).

@63 nocutename @64 EmmaLiz
As I read those appalling things men said, I heard an echo of those discussions that 'women can get all the dick they don't want'.

@64 EmmaLiz
"The only thing I'm looking for is a girl who loves to give blow jobs"

But she had already read his dating profile and knew that is /not/ all he's looking for! (That's really my only point, but I shall ramble now.)

In other words, I think it would be a little bit different if he used that dating profile /only/ to attract women interested in absolutely nothing but servicing his dick with blowjobs he would not reciprocate in any way at all, including a molecule of affection (or apparently human decency). (Though making that public on a dating site instead of Tinder might lead to someone hunting him down.) But she's approached him(1) in response to his /dating/ profile, it's too late to pretend he's not interested in dating, it's too late for what he's 'willing to enjoy' receiving from her to be announced uninvited.

(1) Which as I guy I have to say is welcome. And I think it's cool she was sexy about it. Maybe more women would feel comfortable doing so on a dating app if it didn't make guys like this want to reply to her with a question doomed to insult and with close to no chance of getting a 'yes'.

@65 vennominon
"I...do NOT want to be assumed to share those tastes"

I hear you, and unfortunately a vast number of ignorant straight male bigots probably /do/ think all gay men dream of sucking their cock. I agree with you and BiDanFan that it would be just as rude to reply like that to a guy (despite the better odds it would be of interest) on a dating site.

@2 - yes, that's a good way to handle it. It doesn't ask her to do anything, it tells her what you want, it lets her either volunteer or drop the conversation, and it completely ignores the whole attractiveness issue - which is irrelevant here anyway.

But if she does say she's into giving no-recip blowjobs, and you do get together, don't ever, ever bring up attractiveness or looks. Or respond if she brings up attractiveness or looks by saying that you don't find her attractive. "I'm just into the blow jobs, I don't pay attention to anything else" is the ethical way to deal with that - and that's, in fact, completely true for a lot of men. Looks and attraction are irrelevant to the situation you're setting up.

For those who think that sex for sex's sake is somehow insulting or wrong, even if both people are being clear about what they want - how christian of you!

And Tyra, most men who've sampled blowjobs from both men and women say that men are the best, not the worst. I know there are some exceptions, but men do tend to give much better blowjobs.

@68 ECarpenter
You say "that's a good way to handle it" to @2 who said "I’m just looking for some no-recip oral"

(As I just said @67) "But she had already read his dating profile and knew that is /not/ all he's looking for!".

I could better sympathise with y'all who are saying this if you somehow took that into account. For example a (transparent) lie about 'sorry I haven't update my profile, because now...". (However, since it would be transparent, I think it's still an insult, and I still agree with me @67 where I said that the time to say that and /not/ insult women is IN THE F-ING PROFILE (not in private replies to it)!

He's not trying to insult her. He's asking for a polite way to tell the woman who approached him on a dating site that he'd let her give him an unreciprocated blowjob but that's all--nothing sexual for her, but also, apparently, no dates.

Now she did approach with "mm yum," but even if I thought someone was yummy, I wouldn't want what he's willing to offer. Here's his own words again:
"However, I am willing to be serviced by her, if she is enthusiastic about it.
Is there a polite or thoughtful way to tell someone who finds you sexually attractive that you would allow them to blow you but you will not reciprocate or return affection and that you are not interested in them for anything other than being serviced? "

And the answer is, "no, there's no polite way to do this."

@71 nocutename
"He's not trying to insult her"

Absolutely true.

"And the answer is, "no, there's no polite way to do this.""

Also true.

But I think there's something wrong with someone who has to ask the question he asked. I agree that this would make me a shitty advice columnist.

And you have truly got me wondering why I became so upset with this guy just because he lacks whatever it is that should make the answer to his question obvious to a healthy, aware person. I guess I think (something like) interpersonal awareness and emotional intelligence is a responsibility, and that a lack of it all too frequently is inflicted on others. But at least he had the awareness to know he didn't want to insult her. I think instead of cussing him out (starting @42) I wish I'd written a sober go-to-therapy-and-get-some-interpersonal-awareness-and-emotional-intelligence-or-whatever-you-need comment instead, sorry BOA.

I'm on apps where men approach me with desires that are not in their profile, or are actually in conflict with their profile. Because profiles are short, and life is complex. So yes, he can say "I'm only into no-recip oral right now" and be completely honest. And if she is not interested in giving no-recip oral, she can move on.

Lots of people on here don't seem to understand at the emotional level that "attractiveness" is totally subjective - totally. In my own case, some men find my looks repulsive, some men just don't notice me and other men see me and get weak in the knees with desire - and all those responses are about the men looking at me, not about who I am. I don't take credit for other men's negative OR positive responses. I'm sometimes dissapointed when their response to me isn't as positive as my response to them - but that's different, it has nothing to do with my self worth.

So if this guy doesn't find this woman attractive, that's about him, not in any way about her.

Why should she find that insulting? Why should anyone find that insulting? Yes, people do get insulted by other people's tastes, but let's encourage them to figure out that they are not actually lacking anything, or inadequate in any way, and they need to work on not confusing other people's responses with their own self worth.

My last post was @70

Curious @66 But she had already read his dating profile and knew that is /not/ all he's looking for!

Yes of course. That's why the short answer is that there is no polite way to ask for this. And that's the answer I've given as well. However, this dude knows that and continues to ask the question. So if we are going to answer him honestly and try to give some thought to his POV, I think about the fact that men here say that it almost never happens that a woman initiates contact with them online and that when they do, it is almost never sexual. I don't know if this is true as I'm not a man, so I'm taking men's word for it. Assuming that's true, than I can see that a non jerk (and as I've said, evidence is that this guy is a jerk but we don't know for sure) could think to himself "maybe this woman who finds me hot would be into blowing me?" Chances of that are slim, but there are women who like to give blow jobs to hot guys- this is a thing that exists so it is a possibility that this woman is one. Therefore, there's a less impolite way of asking. Do not tell her she is not attractive or good enough for you- that's just abusive misogyny. Instead, tell a white lie. It doesn't matter that she has already read his dating profile and knows it's not true. We say things all the time that aren't true in flirting and courtship- hence my story about the guy who told me he was looking for a woman who got off from blowing dudes. My point is that IF this guy is going to persist (and I advise that he doesn't) then do it in a way that is not abusive, that gives her an out without making her feel bad, put it on himself. State what he is looking for (in this case) clearly without mentioning her at all. Then she can roll her eyes and have a good laugh which is WAY better than receiving another obnoxious abusive misogynistic fuckability message. And there is a chance that she will agree- some women do like to blow hot guys from time to time for no reason.

"But she's approached him(1) in response to his /dating/ profile, it's too late to pretend he's not interested in dating, it's too late for what he's 'willing to enjoy' receiving from her to be announced uninvited."

I disagree with his. She did not write him with a "what's up?" or a request for coffee. She sent an explicit simple interest in his body. Just because people are looking for dating does not mean that they aren't also interested in casual sex in some circumstances- no one who has spent a second online would think that. The point is when it's appropriate to discuss that and how you bring it up.

@72: curious2, I am actually heartened that he wrote to an advice columnist. I assume many men in that situation would just try their clumsy best--and really piss off the woman.
I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt: it's not as if he is /approaching/ the woman this way, but rather considering how to /respond/ to a message or an opening salvo he might not be used to, and that has kind of made him wonder what he can ask for and how he can ask for it. Because clearly this woman is interested in giving him a blowjob--or seems to be.

I think that getting such a frank and explicit message of sexual interest from a woman is so rare (not for /him/ because he must be so unattractive, but just because the vast majority of women don't typically send such unequivocal come ons to anyone) that it must have him feeling like he should take advantage of this opportunity and he's at a loss as to what to do. He doesn't want to turn down what he sees as a blowjob on offer but he's not attracted to the offerer. He wants to be polite but clear.

This to me is a major difference between (not all) men and (not all) women: the opportunity for me to get cunnilingus from someone I don't find in the least attractive (for any number of reasons) would never, ever appeal to me. Yeah, all the dick you don't want.

@73 ECarpenter
A very interesting post that I still disagree with because...

"Why should she find that insulting? Why should anyone..."

When one turns someone down, there's a responsibility to do so lightly. And he would, uninvited, be asking her for something that's going to be considered by 99.9999% of women to be completely one-sided/only benefit him. That's not lightly. That's acting entitled for close to zero reason. If he wants this, he should ask EVERYONE on his profile, not the person he's in the middle of turning down.

Next time I get a nice message on a dating app but I'm not interested, should I say "sorry no but can I come over and cover your front door with shit then leave?" Hey, maybe .0001% would say yes and get off on it, so is this also a case of 'what's the harm in asking'?

@76 nocutename
"I am actually heartened that he wrote to an advice columnist"

By the timestamps you were typing that as I was typing @77, in which I changed my mind and agreed with this quote of yours and apologized to BOA.

I know I change my mind quite a bit, and I hope no one minds. I for one like and respect it when people's minds are open enough and they're secure enough to change their minds.

Also I'd add - as a woman- that when a man is clear and respectful in his language (none of this cumslut crap when I've shown no interest in it), I find that much safer and less complicated and I'm far more likely to consider it. It's when there is manipulation or insults tied up in it (which is a pick up artist tactic btw) that my red flags fly. So if I tell a guy he is hot and he tells me that he's only interested in doing X (without insulting me!) I'd feel I was on solid ground and could evaluate the situation clearly and make a decision about my own interest/desire.

Now this exact thing has never happened to me, but it has happened that I've had sex with men simply because they were frustrated and horny and it seemed the kind thing to do BECAUSE they were clear, respectful and not rude about it. It is sex with a "sure why not" approach rather than with a "omg I'm horny" approach. And if more guys could be cool and casual about this without acting like they won a prize and without acting like a sexual woman is a cock craving sub cum slut, then I think a lot more women would have casual sex.

Also, and I repeat, just like there are good and bad ways to give a blow job, there is a skill to receiving one as well. Women are expected to show vocal pleasure- if more men would do the same (talk, give feedback, express pleasure and don't just sit there) and act cool about it instead of making it all "get on your knees bitch" then I think they'd get a lot more blow jobs and women would enjoy giving them more. So I'm trying to approach it from that POV. She finds him hot. She might be willing to blow him. She's not writing to him saying she's looking for a date so she might be down for a one time "why not" blow job. I doubt it, but it's possible. So even though his language (service, craving cock, adamance that he'll not even touch her) raises red flags to me, I think the question is worthwhile. How do you clearly state your terms? Which change with various partners of course- that's natural.

@EmmaLiz, I see what you're saying, and perhaps he could change the terms of what he is looking for even after writing his profile. But I doubt whether there's any way he could communicate his intention of ABSOLUTELy /NO/ affection or reciprocation he wants to--politely--communicate to her that he "will not reciprocate or return affection" and he's "not interested in them for anything other than being serviced?"

I have never approached a man with an "mm yum-type" message, but I have sent out initial messages to men. Even if the main reason I would do that would be to indicate sexual desire and even if I'd only be looking for a hookup and not to date, I would want and expect that the man would be aroused by me and would want to give /SOMETHING/ back.

He could say, "right now, all I'm looking for is an unreciprocated blowjob" (a lie; that's all he's looking from from HER, but a small, face-saving lie). But I think that she would still expect that "unreciprocated" would mean he didn't want to go down on her, not that he wouldn't want to return any and all sexual touch and/or affection.

@77 "And he would, uninvited, be asking her for something that's going to be considered by 99.9999% of women to be completely one-sided/only benefit him. That's not lightly. That's acting entitled for close to zero reason."

Again, I disagree with this. It's my whole point.

"I would only let you suck my dick because I don't find you attractive" is insulting.

"Right now I'm just looking for a woman who loves to give blow jobs" is a bit stupid, but not personally insulting.

You are hung up on the fact that the second thing is not really true. That does not matter. No one expects that a profile states clearly every single thing a person wants- it's not a contract. The woman is unlikely to be an idiot and so she'll probably gather that he only wants a blow job FROM HER. And for that reason, she'll probably roll her eyes and move on. But this is different than having someone insult her directly. It's like telling someone you aren't looking for a serious relationship right now but being interested in something casual. Obviously that may be true for some people, but most of us know that this means WITH YOU. That's OK- it's better than saying "I don't like you enough to consider you my partner but I would fuck you". And we're all OK with that. The important thing is that phrasing it in a less impolite way puts the ball in HER court. She can see the situation for what it is, and since she's a grown ass woman who is attracted to this man, she can decide if she wants to blow him knowing damn well nothing more will ever come of it and probably also understanding the reasons why. So long as he is respectful throughout, it could be fine IF she wants to blow him. Which she probably doesn't.

@NoCute

Yes I agree entirely which is why I'm saying she'd probably roll her eyes and never respond. But that's better than being insulted. But if she did express interest after that, then he could be sure to clarify, that's fairly easily done.

I guess the thing here is that there's some confusion about what it means to do no recip anything. For people who enjoy that, it's not a matter of quid pro quo. I get that usually you do something pleasant to likewise receive pleasure. Other times you do something to give someone else pleasure. But for some of us, the doing the thing is pleasure in itself. So this no recip concept doesn't really make sense- you are doing a hot thing to someone else because it brings you pleasure to do it. Is this woman in that situation? I doubt it.

@81 EmmaLiz
"she'll probably gather that he only wants a blow job FROM HER. And for that reason, she'll probably roll her eyes and move on."

If she takes it that well, good for her, but in my book (and I think the majority of those posting to this thread)...

"But this is different than having someone insult her directly."

...it /is/ insulting her directly.

@EmmaLiz: For the most part, I agree with you, but I have to think that if the person doing the servicing KNEW that the other person found them repulsive, it might take the pleasure of doing the thing for its own sake to a different level.

Now, no one has to say that explicitly. But I think the attitude would come through. There are lots of things I like doing because I like doing them or I like to please my partner if I like or love him or I am not in the mood to have any kind of sexual thing done to me at the moment, but am more than fine with providing all the thrills or any number of reasons. I'm not a tit-for-tat or quid pro quo person, especially when it comes to sex acts. But if I knew or could tell that the person I'm servicing wasn't attracted to me at all--if it was some sort of "like back and rather than think of England, think of someone you find hot and try your hardest to not think of who's really got your penis in her mouth," I wouldn't want to be there.

After all, dicks are plentiful and if all I wanted was to service one, I could take my pick. I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard to find someone who was attractive and only wanted his dick sucked but not to date who wasn't quite so adamant about not offering any affection or reciprocation whatsoever.

Yes I agree, hence why my advice is that he not respond here and - if he wants this arrangement- seek it elsewhere.

But I also think that if YOU are the one who puts yourself out there (initiating sexual communication in a situation in which it is not explicitly the norm) then YOU are opening yourself up to a wider array of responses. None of those responses should be insulting- there is no reason for someone to tell you they find you unattractive or shame you or anything at all- no excuse for that. I'm just saying that it seems an appropriate response for the other person to meet your inquiry with a statement of their interest/terms. She will probably receive that information and see they are incompatible, and because she's unlikely to be an idiot, she will probably see that he does not find her attractive. Not finding someone attractive is not an insult. Responding to sexual interest by stating what you are into in that situation is not insulting. It’s how you express these things.

And I do wonder how much of the response that 99.9% of women would be insulted by this has to do with our social hangups around blow jobs- that it’s still mostly seen as something of a chore that women do for men, of dominance of men over women, or as something that makes a woman a cumslut if she actually likes it. And I think this LW’s words shows he has those hang ups too, so I agree about this situation but am trying to respond more broadly. At least he’s asking and thinking about it.



She’s putting herself out there with the “mmm, yum”- she’s initiating a sexual conversation. Assuming she’s not a pampered entitled idiot, that means she’s aware that rejection is a possible response. The point is to not be a jerk in how you reject people and state your terms, and I do think there is a way to do that with the same white lies that we use for all sorts of face-saving excuses all the time. If he says he just wants a blow job, perhaps that’s insulting, but only because it stings a bit when someone doesn’t find you attractive, but she initiated that. I don’t see why it’s necessarily more insulting to say that you are willing to do X sexual thing with someone but not Y sexual thing unless you think that X is some sort of insult/service, etc. As for his finding her repulsive, I don’t think that’s the same as unattractive. Again, it's how he treats her and what he says to her that makes the difference. She can read between the lines- the ball is then in her court rather than just assuming what she is or is not willing to do. I agree with averages though- it's unlikely she'd respond any way except a big fat "no".

But then, I like things to be clear and honest above everything and this is straying into earlier conversations about the extent to which we like to pretend or ignore, etc. I don't have a problem with people clearly stating their terms in a respectful way- it makes me feel more secure and in control.

"After all, dicks are plentiful and if all I wanted was to service one, I could take my pick. I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard to find someone who was attractive and only wanted his dick sucked but not to date who wasn't quite so adamant about not offering any affection or reciprocation whatsoever."

Just to clarify since this point has come up several times. Absolutely YES- if he were initiating the conversation with a woman who had not expressed interest. But that's not what happened here. This woman approached this particular man. She did not say she's out seeking a dick to suck. But she did indicate she is interested in this particular man's body (which I assume includes his dick). She has already taken her pick. That's the whole point.

The question is, since she has picked this particular man, what specific things is she interested in doing with him? Because he also has some say in it, plentiful dicks or not, and he does not find her attractive. Does this mean that she is no longer interested in his sexually? Probably, but we don't know. For some of us, it's a pleasure to blow a guy we find yummy. And since she initiated the contact - SHE ALREADY PICKED HIM- I think it's a worthwhile conversation to talk about how you discuss terms in a respectful way. Hence my advice.

I think this particular LW indicates that he has weird issues around blow jobs in the first place - hence the service and cock craving language and all that- seems like he will see it as a humiliation or submission, etc- he'll allow this ugly girl to do this thing for him. So that's a problem. But the larger question of how you respond to someone who ALREADY STATED that they find you sexually attractive when you are willing to do certain things but not others with them- that is an interesting question and I think it would do us some good to question why we consider blow jobs this way. Also I think it's a good to hear that gay men have a different approach, etc.

But EmmaLiz, she's shown interest in a man (or a dick on a man) whom she might assume would only reply in the affirmative if he was equally or even unequally, but at least somewhat interested in /her./

I wish we knew more about what was in his profile and what was in hers. And was the entirety of her message, "mm yum."? Because those things really make a difference.

I really, really miss the ability to make italics and boldface.

@88 nocutename: I know, right? Agreed and seconded.

Question for Dan the Man and all commenters: is it in poor taste to offer a Lucky @69 Award for this comment thread, considering the subject matter? If green lighted the recipient would be @69 ECarpenter.

@88nocute~ “...I really, really miss the ability to make italics and boldface...”
AGREE! How hard can that be? We used to be able to do it. (Sadly, the older I get, the list of things I USED to be able to do keeps getting longer...)

@88 nocutename
Every once and a while someone somehow posts a comment with some formatting in it. I'm always tempted to ask what it was, since if we only knew what formatting would work we could use that instead of the missing formatting.

The unavailable functionality could be /meant/ to make us more secure. (Elsewhere I use // to indicate italics and asterisks to indicate bold, but last time I tried asterisks here get removed.)

@91: curious2, I haven't seen formatting here in over a year. When Dan posts a re-run and I look at the original comments (where I often see long-departed regulars whose input I miss) I see that the old formatted comments are intact. Please, if you do see formatting, ask the person what they did and also what kind of device they're using.

@90: me, too, DonnyKlicious. But this time, I can't blame it on aging!

@92 nocutename
It's not regular formatting I've seen. It's like yellow-background boxes around some text (that might work for faux-bold emphasis). I saw it a few times a few months ago, when I was too new to speak up about it, but next time I will!

@89: Okay, bad idea this comment thread. Duly noted.

Sporty @52: Different "raccoons" to different GENDERS, is the pattern here which none of us have missed. Why mention it? Because it's annoying, and because maybe, JUST MAYBE, you'll pull a Mikara and see that you indeed have been a misogynist prat and change your ways. We can dream.

Vab @57: He's not a "top", he's a selfish jerk. Don't insult tops.

Curious @67: Funnily enough, it's the SAME straight men who think all gay men would love to suck their cocks as who think it's okay to reply to a woman they don't fancy with an offer like SERVE is contemplating.

ECarpenter @68: "I want you to service me, but I refuse to do anything to please you" IS insulting, and is NOT "sex for sex's sake." Sure, there are people out there who do only want to please, but I think it should be up to them to make those offers, rather than assume it's OK to request pleasure from randos but not return it (or pay for it). If Jesus would agree, then so be it.

Curious 2 @70: I agree. If you are only looking to be serviced, and don't put that in your profile, you're committing the same lie of omission as not putting in your profile that you're poly and partnered, because you're hiding the fact that you're not willing or able to provide what most people on dating or even hookup apps want.

Gotta stop there for now. Interesting discussion.

Griz @89: Given that 69 is reciprocated oral which no one should find insulting, I think a Lucky 69 award is completely appropriate!

I think LW can send an appropriate message back as long as he clarifies that he is trying to hook up with someone unattractive to him for reasons other than wishing to reject her. It's important he clarifies that he's ethical. Maybe he wants to meet her instead of use a fleshlight because (craving human contact, using-people-like-machines kink, other explainable reasons?). But if he is getting off on the rejection he needs to frame this more ethically as clear consensual bdsm he is seeking.

Straight chasers can at least claim they are trying to convert, and not simply attracted to desperation and damage. She would not be trying to turn him straight.. Just using someone unattracted to her.. Maybe he has a fantasy of being a cute cheap blow up doll who refuses to stick his penis in client vaginas? and maybe won't let her hump anywhere else either? Very cheap 2 dollah cmon..

IMO, the reason this is inherently insulting is that it's implying she's desperate. Honey, whoever this woman is, no matter how ugly she is to you, she can get loads of reciprocated sex from way hotter dudes than you, so puh lease. Take it as a compliment and move on.

Also, what have dudes been saying about how rare it is for women to send initial messages? And you want to make sure this woman doesn't do it again? Have some consideration for your fellow dudes and turn her down politely. The next guy she finds "yum" will thank you for it.

Again, while I don't disagree with the general advice, I think there is an undercurrent here that needs checking. Blowing a guy you find hot does not imply you are desperate.