A friend of mine just confided in me that [they are] having a consensual sexual relationship with [their] biological [parent]..

Long story short, [they] was adopted [REDACTED] years ago and tracked their [parent] down [REDACTED] through [REDACTED]. My friend is [AGE REDACTED] and [their] [parent] is in [AGE REDACTED]. As of this writing, they've only had oral sex, but it sounds like it's only a matter of time before it progresses. [They] told me [they] think [they are] in love with [their] [parent].

They're considering carrying on a secret relationship now that they've [REDACTED]. Neither wants to blow up their current lives or relationships. To make things more complicated, my friend is married. [Their spouse] is [REDACTED] and all this [REDACTED] before [they] could [REDACTED]. Needless to say, [their] [spouse] isn't aware of any of this, and [my friend] will not be telling [them].

There are other details that might be helpful for you, and I can provide them if needed, and [my friend] is aware I am writing you. [They] understand that this is probably an incredibly bad idea, but [they] and [their] [parent] find themselves inexplicably drawn to each other. I read about genetic sexual attraction (GSA), so I realize these feeling are not unheard of. But can relationships like this work out?

Wanna Advise My Friend But No Idea What To Say

I redacted a whole bunch of identifying details in your letter — ages, dates, places, precise timelines — as alert readers may have already noticed. I also replaced the pronouns you used in reference to your friend with "they/them/their" and replaced the gendered term you used to describe your friend's brand new lover with "parent," WAMFBNIWTS, as well as the gendered term you used to describe the person to whom your friend is married. Because unlike your friend, who confided in you about this and apparently signed off on you sending an identifying-detail-packed letter to an advice columnist for publication, I'm worried about your friend's secret getting out before your friend and their parent comes to their collective senses.

First things first: GSA is a real thing—or it's a real theory, at any rate, one crafted to explain why some many adult adopted children and their biological parents or siblings wind up feeling sexually drawn to each other after they meet for the first time. Most adult adoptees and their biological family members don't act on these feelings; the woman who coined the term to describe her feelings for her own biological son didn't act on these feelings. But some adult adoptees do wind up sleeping with their biological parents or siblings. Even more feel the pull:

The unexpectedly high number of reported cases of men and women struggling with sudden and terrifying emotions after a reunion has surprised and perplexed most post-adoption agencies. So far, because of the taboos surrounding GSA and its variable and complex nature, the frequency of these cases is almost impossible to quantify, although some agencies estimate that elements of GSA occur in 50% of reunions.

Some more on GSA from ABCNews...

The phenomenon was first identified by Barbara Gonyo in the 1980s. She wrote a book, "I'm His Mother, But He's Not My Son," that recounted her personal story of reuniting and having sexual feelings for a son whom she had placed for adoption when she was 16. Gonyo fell in love — a byproduct of delayed bonding that would normally have taken place in infancy, had they not been separated by adoption. Gonyo, now a retired grandmother, created an online support group and DeNeen, who has a background in psychology, has taken up her work on a new website that she launched just two weeks ago, educating and intervening when others fall into the dangerous emotional trap of GSA.

But you didn't ask about GSA. You asked whether a relationship like this can work out.

Well, that depends, WAMFBNIWTS. It depends on how you define "work out."

Usually when people ask if a romantic relationship is going to "work out," WAMFBNIWTS, what they mean is, "Will these two cuties be together in a committed romantic relationship for the rest of their lives?" People don't typically regard a relationship that ends in divorce as having "worked out," even if the divorce is amicable; people also don't regard hookups or vacation sex with locals/tourists or a permitted affair as having "worked out," even if the hookup or the vacation sex or the affair was an amazing experience for both/all and the memories (and pics and videos) are cherished by both/all. People will also look at a serial monogamist who's friends with all their exes — people they were with for two, three, five or even ten years — and express sadness that none of their friend's relationships ever "worked out."

It's also generally understood that two people who are "together" in a relationship that "worked out" are public about their love and their relationship is embraced and supported by friends and family.

Since your friend and their parent have no desire to make a public commitment and no desire to end the relationships they're in now — and going public would certainly end their other relationships, and not just their relationships with their (other) romantic partners — they'll never be "together" in the conventional sense. So we're obviously working with a different definition of "work out" here.

What you most likely meant by "work out" was this: "Can they get away with this without getting caught?"

They might — people get away with all sorts of shit. More than 40% of murders go unsolved nationwide and nearly 70% of murders go unsolved in Chicago and New Orleans. But a murder is a over-and-done kinda thing; the murderer don't keep returning to the scene of the crime to re-murder their victim, WAMFBNIWTS, whereas your friend and their parent are planning to get together again and again and again to re-fuck each other.

Okay, okay — I'm not comparing your friend or their parent to murderers. I'm just saying... if they carry on with this affair for the next few years or decades... and if they make common affair errors like sending each other incriminating text messages... and if they're indiscreet and, say, ask their friends for input... and if they're okay with their friends sending letters to advice columnists packed with identifying details... well, the odds that it'll "work out" in the "get away with it" sense seem small.

So, yeah. It was a mistake for your friend to do oral sex to/with their parent. It was a mistake for your friend to confide in you. It was a mistake for your friend to sign-off on a letter to an advice column packed with so much identifying detail.

The stakes here are high and even one mistake could blow up your friend's life. In short, WAMFBNIWTS, I have concerns about your friend's judgment. Lots of people have experience GSA — which mental health professionals don't regard as sexual abuse or even as incest, not as we usually understand it (even though it is technically incestuous) — so I'm not talking about that. Your friend didn't choose to experience GSA. But acting on those feelings was certainly ill-advised. (Not that anyone has ever advised someone to act on GSA). As was making plans to keep acting on it (considering carrying on a secret relationship). As was telling you about it. As was writing to me about it.

Some people get away with affairs, just as some people get away with murder. I don't think your friend, based on the evidence that arrived in my email inbox this morning, is someone who can get away with an affair. And while getting caught having a run-of-the-mill affair doesn't always mean the end of your marriage, getting caught having an affair with your biological parent almost certainly does. (The end of a marriage and, as commenters pointed out, the loss of custody of any children your friend has with their spouse.)

I don't think this is going to "work out" for your friend because I don't your friend will get away with it. And I worry your friend will be psychologically harmed by the affair and psychologically traumatized by its exposure. So if your friend was my friend, I would urge them not to fuck their parent again and to find a therapist with experience handling GSA in adult adoptees. Your friend needs to speak with someone who can help your friend see that they are not in love — not in romantic love — with their parent. GSA feels like romantic love, but it's a mis-expression, it's a mis-manifestation, of familial love, not romantic love.

And it has the power to destroy your friend's life and your friend's marriage. You can tell them I said so.