It's difficult for me to parse the extent of BF's "anger issues". There are some jobs that are high stress (even if they're low paying) where blowing up at a coworker is both somewhat normal but could readily cross a line, and others where raising your voice for any reason is beyond the pale.

At 7 years you get cold feet? now there's good reason to get cold feet if he isn't progressing towards commitment and marriage. But your fretting over that you haven't sowed your oats

There are larger problems in this world than you haven't gotten your rocks off by enough strangers; maybe in time he will open the relationship up so you can do that.

Good thing they are not married

[And if your boyfriend handles the breakup with grace there's nothing to stop you two from getting back together in a few years time—if you're both still single and you've determined that he is who and what you want.]

Mr Savage must have been watching or reading something like Cranford.

When I was about LW's age, I had a similar perspective on my relationship - I had been with one person through college, we were living together, it was okay, but I felt like I should try something else. On the other hand was sooooo old and had invested so much time and emotion into this relationship, what might I be throwing away? So I decided instead to propose. And predictably, we were divorced within 12 months.

LW, you are perfectly entitled to trust yourself when you feel like there is more in front of you than what you have currently beside you. It is scary, and you will probably hurt this boy's feelings. All in all, it will suck. And then it will be awesome and you'll be glad you took a chance on yourself.

It sounds as if she earned a Bachelor’s Degree, while he stayed in their home town and worked. She’s now pursuing a Master’s Degree, and he nearly got fired from his job for anger issues. She should indeed not take that lightly, because all together it could cause problems in future. The combination of a less-educated man with anger issues and a better-educated woman could result in domestic violence, and may be a hidden reason she’s recently developing cold feet.

But, as @3 notes, she has sufficient reason to end the relationship without such speculations.

This situation seems perfect for the "Honey, it's not you it's me, I need a trial separation while I work out my feelings" strategy. And perhaps LW could move away to finish that Master's degree!

LISTEN to that voice in your head...always, not just this time. Usually doubts creep in for good reason, ignore them at your peril. Unless, of course, you are a naturally paranoid person and doubt everything. But that’s not what this sounds like. It’s hard leaving he safety of home and high school boyfriend for a new life, but that’s a little thing called growing up. Don’t be scared of change, you are very young! Sorry, I know that’s not how it feels now, but check back in 10 years and you’ll be saying the same thing. Live life, love a few or a dozen more guys and then see how you feel about this guy. As venn@5 says, how this guy handles this will tell you volumes about him. 5 years down the line you can look back and reconnect, and maybe he will have used that time to deal with his anger issues. Or maybe 1000 other things will have happened, and you STIILL won’t be 30.

The woman who wrote this letter would be doing her SO a favor by leaving. No commitment ability whatsoever. No sacrifice. She is in love with her own wants and desires. There is no room for anything else. Spiritually dead.

Gracious! Richard @10, that was entirely uncalled for, and textually unjustified.

It's hard not read most of this letter and think WANTSOUT is 24 and has only had sex with one or two men, and wants the experiences sex with many more different men. That is an entirely legitimate reason for wanting to end a seven year relationship at 24. But @7/Tensor makes a good point, perhaps the nagging feeling is the sense that WANTSOUT is simply outgrowing her high school boyfriend, who never left home as she has gone on to higher education. That is also an entirely valid reason for ending the relationship.

Whatever her motivation, as WANTSOUT makes a transition from this relationship, I think she should process her feelings enough to figure out the source(s) of her desire to want out of this relationship. The best way to get what you want in life is to know what you are looking for along the way.

Definite red flag that "anger issues" got the kid fired. Even bigger red flag if she's hesitating discussing with him because of his anger.

But she's already made her decision. She's just asking for permission to go ahead and break up with him.

Dan has given his permission. I'm hereby giving mine. Anyone else?

@13 I also grant my permission. I wasted 5 years from 17-22, going out with someone I'm still fond of, but who is wrong for me. Time to move on and have new adventures.

This is just about the opposite of a DTMFA situation, but I still think we're going to be unanimous on this one.

I promise I’m not normally this stupid, but right now I’m fighting off what feels like the worst cold of my life, and I was having a hard time understanding what Dan meant by the “sometimes literally” comment. Can someone explains what I’m sure is pretty obvious?

it's also entirely possible while he says he's committed he wants out as well, which could be contributing to the (thankfully displaced) workplace anger issues.

It seems a shame they didn't date other people while she was (they were?) off at college, then she'd have an idea of what colour the other grass is compared to her high school sweetheart. But speaking as someone who married, at 23, the guy I started dating at 17, I'm glad WANTSOUT is thinking twice. I think that any couple who got together that young and didn't date anyone else would have "I wonder what I'm missing out on" thoughts, but the fact that the thoughts are increasing instead of passing suggests to me that it is indeed time to break up. Both these people will change a lot in the next few years, more than they realise. Breaking up, as the song says, is hard to do, but it's harder when you're married and/or have kids! And as Dan says, if it turns out to be a mistake they can get back together, depending on how Future Ex Boyfriend handles the breakup. WANTSOUT, it's obvious you know what you want; you just have to rip off the Band-Aid and see what happens. Good luck.

@ 11 slomopomo: There's always some guys that see women like property, and the notion that a woman might choose to leave a guy fills them with the same rage and confusion you would expect if their stereo system decided to get up and leave. All "OMG what a faulty product! How is it considered acceptable to have a stereo system that can just up and leave when it wants to? Horrible, horrible stereo!"

Dum @4, you really don't understand women at all if you think this is about wanting to "get her rocks off with strangers."

Venn @5: I broke up and got back together several times with aforementioned future ex-husband, and I'm back with a previous ex after we split for six months. It happens.

Richard @10: Trolling or bitter?

Pythag @16: That seems to be a footnote to "But your single-and-miserable feelings are likely to come and go." Sometimes literally? No, I don't get it either. Perhaps he's implying she will occasionally get casual sex to break a dry spell? Dan?

Ms Fan - You missed the point, and did nearly the same thing yourself.

[And as Dan says, if it turns out to be a mistake they can get back together, depending on how Future Ex Boyfriend handles the breakup.]

Of course people split and reunite; my PLB left for a few months and then returned. Part of why I'm so proud of him is that, while he handled the first departure poorly, his ultimate breakup was exemplary.

Mr Savage's framing, [if you're both still single and you've determined that he is who and what you want.], was inferiour to yours. He is basically encouraging LW to feel more entitled than Anne Elliot (who, even after she realized Captain Wentworth still has some regard for her, still expected him to marry Louisa Musgrove), that any reunion if they are both single will be entirely a matter of her own volition. At least your framing of the breakup as a possible mistake invites the inference that its being a mistake might be a joint decision, and not that she can just snap her fingers and have him back (as Miss Brodie claims about Gordon Lowther, that, despite her recent neglect of him, she could marry him on the morrow - just before it was announced that he'd become engaged to marry Miss Lockhart, the chemistry teacher).

@16 - I took it as her feelings of singleness would be most intense when she was horny. Then she'd masturbate, come, and the feelings would go.

WANTSOUT wants to explore, wants more experience. She would open the relationship if she could--but my read on it is that she fears suggesting it to her bf because she's wary of his angry reaction. Really? If that's genuinely how he'd react (if I'm right), he's not the person she should be right now. He cares more for her than the other way round (would be my read). He's less well-educated; he's working hard in a career for which you don't need a degree; he's a loving, passionate, gutsy guy, possibly a bit possessive. She's moved on from all that. She went to college. WANTSOUT thinks she's a bad person, perhaps--a worse person than him--for wanting sex with more partners, or casual sex. No. Nobody is a bad person for this. The relationship norm (for 17yo s, for heaven's sake) of monogamy is iniquitous. It would have been better had she been able to negotiate nonmonogamy when she went to college--before it meant, naggingly and in a way that makes her ambivalent, that she doesn't want to be with him long-term. But she doesn't. Given the choice (now) of marrying him at 34 after ten years of romantic and sexual adventuring, or marrying him now and having solid sex for ten years with him of the kind they now enjoy, she'd go for the break. But the choice won't obtain. She'll leave.

I wouldn't seriously propose opening the relationship with this guy. Make a joke of it, trail a toe in the water--and see his reaction. If it's 'no way', break cleanly on the grounds that he's not who she wants to end up with. Nothing about 'we only know each other'. Both know this is the subtext. Spare his feelings and defuse his anger.

@7. Tensor. Yes--I think this is about the size of it.

@6. Looking for a better read. Yes. I think this will be the most useful advice to the LW of all.

/break/
It's not just about wanting sex with other people. It’s about the LW being conscious both of extensive grounds of compatibility with her partner (shared history, background, values, in some ways temperament) and of incompatibilities that have emerged in the last seven years. There's a lot of life she's missing out on--she can't but be aware of this. Dates, going out, holidays, hanging out--just with someone different, with a different sense of humor, reactions; maybe someone more sophisticated, who poses different challenges, makes her think in another way. She has to go for this. Ending her relationship, which has been good in so many ways, is sad; but I kind of feel she has to do it.

Venn @21: Ah, gotcha. Yes, the idea of "you can leave him on the shelf and come back for him later" is misleading. He may not now want to break up, but he may indeed move on and NOT be there if she realises she's made a mistake. That is the risk she will be taking.

Game @22: That makes sense!

Harriet @23: "She would open the relationship if she could" -- Exhibit A of your speculating. WANTSOUT never indicated a desire for non-monogamy; if she had such a desire, surely she would have broached it when they were living apart during her undergrad degree. Several commenters have inferred a desire for casual sex where none is mentioned; she wonders "if we’re foolish for not exploring other relationships," not "other sexual partners." She seems to me as if she's simply wondering whether she's with Mr Right or whether something (singleness) or someone (a different LTR) is out there. To his credit, Dan has better reading comprehension and isn't jumping to the unsupported conclusion that she wants strange and should therefore ask for an openness she never indicated any interest in.

@25 should read "... something (singleness) or someone (a different LTR) better is out there."
Harriet, you ironically nailed it yourself @24. It's NOT about different cocks, it's about a different life.

LW isn't as concerned about her low number of sexual partners as she is just wary of committing so young with someone she's been with so young. An open relationship isn't necessarily what she wants as much as just being single and free of relationship 'baggage'. That's perfectly normal at her age and something that would be terrible to judge her for. Very few people want the same person aged 24 as they did aged 17, especially with college in the middle. She should end the relationship and embrace singledom.

@ 10 - Relationships need efforts, not sacrifices. Sacrifices only make someone bitter... and spiritually dead.

I chose to be single for a year and a half. I was voluntarily celibate for many months of it which taught me more about myself with my desires and boundaries. When I decided to connect emotionally and sexually with other people again that was still centered from being a single woman! The relationships I had with people were emotionally intimate but founded from our relationships with ourselves first, and our independence and choices as individuals. There was also a point in which I love into experimentation with casual sex with people. I discovered it's not my preferred mode of sexually relating, but that was fun too! Choosing to be single was important in helping me know myself. The freedom was incredibly healthy for me as well.

Frankly, this is why I advise against shacking up. Deciding that "MAYBE this isn't the one" involves packing up your belongings and moving out. The number of people I know's Shacking ended ugly radically outnumbers the number who got married, had kids, and lived happily ever after. (Note that people who were engaged and moved in for a few months are removed from my sample.)

Tim @30: I'd still much rather discover that maybe this isn't the one when all I had to do was pack up and move out, rather than get a divorce and/or deal with disposing of a jointly owned property, which can take even longer. Perhaps your sample is skewed and the people who got married were ones who were predisposed to a work-things-out-at-any-cost mentality, and not all were as happy as they seemed on the surface. And I notice you haven't included any happy long-term shackups, of which I could name several, some of whom got married multiple years in and some of whom decided not to bother, nor divorces in your comparison. Perhaps your shackup sample weren't sure and moved in together in order to find out, and it's a good thing they did that instead of getting married. See post @6.

@16 My read was that Dan is conflating "single-and-miserable feelings" with "one night stands", which "come and go -- sometimes literally."

Kind of a leap but the "come and go" bit makes sense in that context (and is in line with Dan's cheeky style).

Someone who manages to find a snappy acronym that reads WANTSOUT is someone who wants out. No other reason or explanation is needed.

@34 ~ LW’s don’t always chose yheir acronyms.

You don't need a list of reasons to break up with someone. I think this is a trap a lot of people fall into. Relationships aren't failures if they don't turn into marriages. End it before the bitterness and resentment take over. He'll have the chance to find someone who doesn't have daily doubts about being with him and you'll be free to make whatever life for yourself you choose to.

Do not stay with a man who has anger issues.
If your doubts about this relationship have been growing over the last year and you’ve only lived together for two yrs out of seven, then listen to yourself. Heed your own feelings.

Never expect people to change.*

*Unless they're a woman in her mid-20s.

There's lots of data on men's under-developed frontal lobes, risk-taking, and criminality aged 15 to 25 and then they usually get their shit together. Women don't behave so pathologically, but something clicks in their mid-20s and they often figure out what makes them happy and what they need and want with a clarity they didn't previously have.

Maybe she's only now realizing that she isn't into this particular guy enough to marry him. Or maybe a LTR isn't the relationship model for her. Either way, break up, as Dan suggests.

"@34 ~ LW’s don’t always chose yheir acronyms."
I always assumed they did, what makes you say they don't? (real question)

@39 I believe Dan said so once.

@39, @40 ~ Yes. Maybe more than once, as I recall.

David @38: I think better advice is to expect people to change, but not in the way you want them to. (Yes, people in their early-to-mid 20s change a lot, which is why I am in favour of a minimum age of 25 for marriage. Glad these two don't seem to be considering it at present.)

@26. Bi. WANTSOUT is '[w]ondering if we’re foolish for not exploring other relationships or just being on our own'. The first thing she says is 'exploring other relationships', not making a clean break.

Partly, I think, this is because the idea of a 'sliding slope', gradual breakup is easier to her. But maybe the optimum would be for her long-term bf to say, 'say what? I don't want to be the person that stands in your way--that prevents you dating college guys, white-collar guys; that prevents you going to tony restaurants, or to Paris with a French speaker. Let's take a break for six months, speak every week and see how you feel then'. But I got the sense this won't happen in a million years. He'd be hurt, sore, that she wants anything of the kind. I think she wants out because she wants to see what's out there, not because she's convinced her bf's a bad or unsuitable person. This makes initiating a break harder for her.

Incidentally, why are my on-point insights (for you) 'ironic'? Rather than my speculating, maybe you're making inferences on a more slender factual basis than in fact's available? -- ;)

We're both poly (you explicitly or in a flag-flying way; me through a common-or-garden gay negotiation, largely involving my cultivating an amused tolerance for my partner's twinks). I sort-of-feel that often we would be moved to give sophisticated advice lws are not likely to be able to take. (Not here. I think everyone's advice here is the same--'take the plunge').

@36. smajor. Yes--bravo!

These two really don't seem that ill-matched to me. It seems to me that the point where marriage would most naturally occur would be around the time they moved in together, but he didn't propose, and she has become fearful of commitment. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he had similar feelings to hers, that may even be the mysterious reason behind his anger issues. She should tell him about her feelings, and he should open up to her as well about the source of his anger.

There's never been anything stopping her from befriending other men while she has been with him. Presumably they are monogamous so that she can't actually experienced sex with other men, but that can possibly be renegotiated if she tries.

I don't understand why anyone is advising her to leave him. Except maybe this is a new feeling of deep disrespect for him, in which case her love for him is tainted, and she could do him the favor of leaving him and not going out with another until she finds someone that she can respect.

@22 Yeah, that interpretation makes sense.

LWs concern about breaking up makes sense because she sees so many good qualities in the guy and has spent so much time with him. I think many people have the idea (I've been guilty of this) that there has to be some conflict or something particularly "wrong" with someone in a relationship to justify ending it. Plenty of good people who get along aren't compatible as long term romantic partners, though. LW should try to imagine herself still with her current boyfriend years from now and think about how it makes her feel. She shouldn't put more time into this just because she feels like she's put so much in already (sunk costs fallacy). Change is hard, but sometimes it's necessary to get to a better place.

@25 I came to a similar conclusion about what the LW wants, or rather doesn't want. She doesn't want non-monogamy (at least not with her current bf). I think she just wants out of her current relationship, but is having doubts. At the beginning of the letter she mentions exploring other relationships OR being alone. At the end she says the thought of being single makes her happy, not the thought of hooking up with other guys. She also asks if there's a way to "change [her] mindset" and "see [her] relationship in a more positive light". This relationship just isn't working for her anymore, but she's having a hard time wrapping her head around it.

@40, @41 - Thank you for clarifying. I have always interpreted acronyms as the LWs' own words, and thus extra information they provide, which in turn affects how I interpret the letters. For example, the acronym in the latest post: I would read ASS to mean that the guy has self awareness that he has been an idiot, and the "A Sorry Soul" as an indicator that he is wallowing in self pity. If Dan is the one coming up with the acronyms, then it is still information, but in the other direction - it tells us what Dan thinks of the LW. I guess I just need to stop reading into them altogether. Thank you for letting me know.

@36 - beautifully stated.

I have to agree Venn. I think Dan's advice was solid, I just don't think he should've offered up the idea of a reunion if the LW changes her mind. BF might not want her back. And she might not want him back.

What I don't get is all the shame over the idea that she wants to have casual sex. Why is this such a problem? A little exploration is good for the soul.

Ms Anon - When one thinks about it, it's almost as if Mr Savage were in agreement with Captain Harville (in his amicable dispute with Anne Elliot) that men's affection is more robust than women's.

While personally I've always been someone with whom reunions are remarkably easy, I've never considered that a particularly male quality. But, then again, I have no OS experience. I'm tempted to ask the assembled company if it's really worse to dump a woman than to dump a man, so that one would generally not expect a dumped woman to take back her dumper who'd decided the dump was a mistake, whereas a man, being more used to rejection, would have an easier time overcoming being dumped. It seems a little regressive, but one could float such a thought.

I am getting seriously tempted to take this in the direction of Vanity Fair. But I shan't.

Harriet @43: The irony is that you wrote Post @24 at the same time I was writing to correct the flagrant misconceptions in Post @23, and I needn't have bothered because you DID understand where LW was coming from -- Lesbisaurus @27 sums it up nicely. And no, I don't let the fact that I myself am poly bias me toward recommending all LWs who express dissatisfaction with their current partner to go that route. This particular LW did not seem in any way so inclined.

Philo @45: "I don't understand why anyone is advising her to leave him." Because she so very clearly wants to leave him.

Kitten @48: "At the end she says the thought of being single makes her happy, not the thought of hooking up with other guys." Exactly. This is not a "have I missed out on other men" debate she's having with herself, it's a debate on whether she's missing out on the chance to live an independent life.

MsAnon @50: I certainly wouldn't be shaming her if she did say she wants opportunities for casual sex; she just never said that. She also never said they were monogamous while long-distance. I certainly get that vibe, but it's possible she has had her share of casual sex, so this definitely isn't about that.

Hey BDF lookin good as always,
Did it seem so clear to you? I did not get a clear sense of the source of her unhappiness, and it seems unclear whether she loves him or not. Presumably she was in love with him before and probably after they moved in. I get how her feelings might change if she asked for what she needed and didn't get it, or if she met someone else who seemed to fit better. But if this has been a gradually building dissatisfaction, why not figure out what she feels is missing and give him the chance to refuse before leaving???

"How do I know if I need to do this for myself? Can I ignore these nagging thoughts? Can I work to change my mindset and see my relationship in a more positive light? When I think about being single, I feel happy and good—is this just a “grass seems greener” kinda thought after seven years in a relationship?"
To me it sounds like she needs to figure out what she needs! It can be tough! I recommend getting nitty gritty about all of her unhappy feelings yuck! And being willing to listen to the weird stuff he needs!

Also, she cannot reasonably see an unhappy relationship "more positively", but she does have the choice of working to create a happier more positive relationship for the both of them by asking for what she needs, asking about what he needs, and making the choice if she wants to do it or not.

They might need counseling or anger management classes or household or career changes. Really look deeply at what you want if you could have it all, then settle for what you can get!

It just sounds like these two may lack verbal intimacy. Like after 7 years she's going to pack up and leave with 0 forewarning, maybe she is really the weak link. I hope that's not the case.