The biggest issue is that none of LW's issues are really related to her BF masturbating - they're relationship issues that would exist if he never masturbated or looked at porn, or if he was a porn star himself who ejaculated without his partner dozens of times per week. In any case - 3/4 times per week puts him on the low end.

I think LW suffers from "I'm not enough" syndrome that postulates that 100% of someone's sexual energy should be focused on their partner. It's been discussed enough times around here that that's unreasonable. I also think it's 100,000% for a boyfriend to ask his girlfriend not to discuss his sex life with other people, fin.

Anyhow, LW: Move on, but leave the mormon anti-masturbation stuff behind as well.

I don't get these guys that obviously have a sex drive, but primarily handle their needs through porn when they have wives/girlfriends (I don't remember any similar letters from guys about their partner) who desperately want more sexual attention. As Dan said, this isn't the real issue.

Obviously dtmfa. He's not meeting your physical needs, not bc he has a lower sex drive, but bc he's channeling his desire elsewhere. He's not willing to compliment you bc - he didn't have girls early in his life? And because of that he's also not willing to talk about "feelings", which covers a lot in a relationship. He's made it clear nothing is gonna change, so...yeah. No question here.

3-4 times a week is still a low-ish drive.

Also, you’re not compatible.

DTMFA.

@1 I don't think the porn would be an issue if they were having more sex. She mentions that before she found out about it she was dissatisfied with the amount of sex and the fact he never compliments her. I don't see anything suggesting she needs 100% of his sexual energy focused on her. It sounds to me like she's just mad that all this time they've been having so little sex and she's made it clear she's not satisfied, he's been putting his energy into porn.

Well well, porn and bad sex is not a good vibe, so dump his sorry arse and find a man who enjoys you, flesh and blood you. Next question.

@4 it's a common belief that's been presented by LW's dozens of times. She is explicitly connecting the dots between his reportedly low masturbation habits and her sexual dissatisfaction - ie, as you said, that he's "channeling his energy elsewhere" - but that's not what's happening and represents a massive misconception about male sexuality. If he didn't masturbate, he wouldn't have more energy to give attention to his wife; there isn't a bank account of sexual energy stored in our balls that generates sexual energy, (well, there is, but it refills in 2-30 minutes) and by spending some here means we can't spend somewhere else. He's not giving her the sexual attention she wants because he doesn't want to, for whatever reason. The masturbation really has zero to do with this at all.

L-dub, break up. You aren't happy and the things that make you not happy don't look likely to change. Also, don't verbalize to people, talk with them. But that last one is just me being a dick. Still... talk, don't verbalize.

Yes KittenW @4, he’d rather have sex with moving pictures on a machine. Go figure.

@2 @8

I don't think she's seen his porn. Do we know if it's straight porn?

Good thinking. Oh well, that settles it.
Grab your bag and scarf girl and walk out that door.

O-kay.....it has already been said by Dan the Man and ten other commenters but I'll jump in anyway as @11: @LW: DTMFA!

"He's Not Emotionally Available and They Aren't Sexually Compatible and He's Not Going to Talk About It and He's Not Going to Change So What Should She Dooooooooooo?"

Cue Matthew Broderick as Ferris Bueller in robe and slippers with slept on hair in the middle of the night, enroute to the kitchen to get a snack, incredulously, to LW:
"You're still HERE?!.....It's.....OVER!....(hand swat gestures).......go HOME!................GO!"
Cheek-cheek-cheek-ahhhhhhhh.......

It's easy to say walk away. And for the record, I agree with Dan and the commentariat that you should. What's often difficult is leaving when there's no clear "bad guy" and I suspect that's why the porn/masturbation looms large in your letter.

It's hard to explain, when friends and family ask why you broke up, that it was because you felt lonely in the relationship. You're with someone who, from the sounds of it, does very little to make you feel like you matter. He might be sweet and you might be sweet together but I would guess that deep down, you feel...expendable? That feeling festers deep and yes, years down the road, you will be miserable.

That's not a quick and easy soundbite and perhaps you foresee friends or family trying to convince that you're wrong to throw it away. No one's perfect. Work harder. As nauseum. That's why you wrote in. He is who he is and you're not getting what you need to sustain a long term relationship. And it sucks and you don't want to hurt anyone and it would be so much easier if he were just bad. My friend's grandmother, upon learning my friend had left her husband said "if he's not beating you or cheating on you, go back and be a good wife."

LW, it's ok to just say you're not good together and you hope you both find the right person. It's ok that there's not a clear cut villain. You can go.

Masturbating 3-4 times a week is a low sex drive? For what age group? These people sound young but for people past their 20s it doesn't seem unusual?

@13 Mirea. The bad guy in this is the guy. Sees no point in talking about feelings. Doesn’t want sex yet is watching porn multiple times a week. And it’s not bad guy/ good guy. It’s do you want to put up with that much dysfunction?

take your time reading it, and don't take it for granted..

Do whatever ever you feel like, is your life.. but-
Because you mentioned that he didn't express his feeling at all, not only about your sex,
I think you should know about 'Asperger syndrome'
Do your own research, and ofc- I can be wrong about this diagnosis...
I have it.. and is sound good explanation to your situation.
We don't express our feeling much.. is not that we don't want, we can't I guess.. ("is not going to change")

To the comment saying about his sexuality.. ("is he straight at all??")
I always have a feeling about being a girl.. (lesbian actually 😆) plus- I'm left handed and I have Asperger syndrome, both of this conditions (left and Asperger's) have high chance of being a transgender 🤔 I do like girls (and want to be one sometimes) and don't like guys.
I would pay to know if he also left handed 😂

And again,even if he have all this conditions, is says nothing about him.. until he say so..

As I see it, all the comments says 'DTMFA' (had to Google it lol) so if you didn't come to this conclusion by your self, says something about you.. and do what you feel right (and right for you) not what other tell you to..

(And again- maybe he have all this 3 conditions, and Maybe not even 1 of them...)

@14 You must be a woman.

I'm a dude who just turned 30 and I can barely get through a single day without jerkin it... at least once... and still have energy for my partner (if anything, long periods without ejaculation gets my dick in a fritz more than anything else).

Maybe I'm a rarity but I'm willing to bet the top end of the bell curve for jerking off for men is around 7+ a week.

Oh
And btw I jerked off only once in my life, and I'm 22

The LW’s predicament seems indicative of the idea that one MUST have a romantic partner, and that any partner, even a bad one, is preferable to being single. Otherwise, why the hand wringing?

Oh, I dated that guy! 25 years ago, for six long years. DTFMA! All the same stuff - no sex for me, lots o' porn and masturbating for him, no compliments, blah blah blah. I am so very happily married (18 years now) to a guy who thinks I'm sexy, who compliments me like a normal person, and we have lots of really good sex still. It's SO MUCH BETTER. Get out now.

LW's BF sounds like either a hopeless twat or very, very young. Assuming the latter, a heart-to-heart pre-DTMFA talk might be worth a shot, wherein our LW let's BF know that a DTMDA event is on the horizon with reasons spelled out clearly, but not angrily, so that he can ponder the benefit of talking about feelings and actually engaging in a relationship.

I'm left wondering: why would a guy want to blow 3-4 loads per week into his hanky, rather than into his girlfriend? Given the ability of this commentariat to extrapolate information not provided, I'm sure we can answer this one in short order.

@17

I'm a man a little bit older than you... mid-40s. Into my 30s, I still felt like I was better at sex (i.e. I was able to last longer while staying 100% focused) if I masturbated at least once a day. If I didn't, I'd last less long and/or have to be less tuned in to last as long as possible.

Very slowly from my 30s into my 40s I transitioned to feeling like I should skip a day or so a week of jerkin' it to be continuously focused during sex. I also learned a new level of being tuned in, enabled by my dick being less 'go-go-go!!!'. Lasting longer has gotten easier over time both as a function of age and of understanding both my body and the act of sex better. Now, I want sex less, but have much better sex when I do it.

These sorts of things are different both for a man across time and from man to man, but I definitely have found a link between masturbation & sex inclination and quality. The link has just changed poles over time.

I'm not sure if something vital got lost in editing, as I'm not sure how "asked for privacy about (what was apparently) an embarrassing secret" became "forbade her to discuss their problems with her friends". If the latter statement is accurate, then DTMFA would apply, but Mr Savage or the editor didn't show the work.

This is a difficult sort of letter, as LW is somewhat less unappealing than SO. (Credit to whoever wrote the headline.) Deciding that "get out now" is what counsel for LW would advise is the easy part. What's harder is deciding whether CMY would be closer to justice than DTMFA.

I feel his excuse of not growing up around girls to be entirely inadequate. If he had a traditional upbringing, then he had a mother and a father. Did he never get anything out of observing their behaviour patterns? If he had brothers, did he never observe how they treated their girlfriends?

So I, too, wonder whether he's somewhere on the spectrum. He appears to be someone who can compartmentalize very easily. He has a girlfriend. Check. Is there anything he needs to do on a consistent basis to keep her happy? Well, he hasn't figured that out yet - even though she's told him probably more than once!!! OTOH, he has a sex drive that he's decided he'll take care of by himself. After all, his GF will ~want~ things from him, whether compliments or specific things in bed. And she's not someone he can conveniently put back into a box after an interaction, especially sex.

But talking? She wants talking, too? When that's something he feels inadequate to fulfill - or even to make an attempt at it - she really has only the one option left. DTMFA and find a guy who knows how important compliments are, and not only when received by a woman.

I sense that porn loom large to SLAP because it appears to explain why Mr. Slap does not want sex with her more frequently. But I think the reality is that while Mr. Slap enjoys SLAP's company, he is just not that sexually into her, which limits his interest in sex with her. That fact, coupled with his inability to notice her physical appearance and compliment her regularly is making SLAP feel undesirable and unsexy. So porn isn't the problem in this relationship, rather it is a sign, along with other signs, of an underlying problem. It is natural to expect that our romantic partners find us sexually desirable and want regular sex with us, and no one should stay with a partner who cannot deliver on that expectation.

For the record, I understood that Mr. Slap was asking SLAP not to discuss his masturbatory habits with her girlfriends, which does not seem unreasonable.

This does seem to be one example of male-bodied people and female-bodied ones speaking two different languages. Women can't understand why a man would want to come three or four times a week and prefer to do that by himself than with a partner who has indicated a desire for more sex. Isn't a woman who wants more sex every man's dream? And isn't masturbating what he does when sex isn't available? WE masturbate primarily when sex isn't available (or when the only sex available is with partners we don't want), so we can't understand masturbating by preference, or how men can't see that this amounts to depriving their partners. I think men would see it the same way if they had a partner who masturbated frequently but said no to sex, it's just that this never seems to happen, at least from Dan's mailbag.

A second example of male-socialised and female-socialised people speaking two different languages is that women think "My boyfriend prefers masturbating to having sex with me" is discussing one's own sex life, and is fair game to do with (a few, trusted, discreet) friends. You're not gonna change our minds on this. Lower female suicide rates, remember?

Agree with everyone, the prefers-masturbating issue is only one of a half dozen examples of his emotional unavailability, so she should DTMFA. If it were the only one, opening the relationship so that she can get her needs met while he's meeting his might be an idea.

To TL;DR my own post @26, if men want women to accept that masturbation in a relationship is something that's gonna happen whether they like or not, they should also accept that intimate "girl talk" is something that's gonna happen whether they like it or not. These are the prices of admission of dating the opposite sex.

5770 @16: I have a partner who is on the autism spectrum, is a raging horndog both with me and on his own, and is full of compliments. Mr SLAP doesn't get a pass for being a crappy partner.

@23 Venn: I suspect Dan is the rule-proving exceptional case who writes his own headlines.

@26/BiDanFan: Sorry Bi, have to disagree. Women can give it a cute name, and call it “girl talk,” but it is a very self-serving rationalization to divulging facts about the sex life of someone else, whether or not it intersects your own. It is a consent violation, and something more serious than many other things that have raised the ire of people in the comment section. In fact, I’m rather sure that in another context, divulging facts about a partner was deemed unacceptable.

Sublime @30: I'm of the mind that people - women and men - are entitled to discuss their personal lives with their close, trusted friends, when they need to. Not everyone has access to a therapist or, for that matter, a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, and mandatory secrecy seems to feature prominently in cases of abuse. Aside from that, I'd be wary of a partner that was closeted about some aspect of our sex life.

Fubar @31, thank you. Sublime @30, disagree all you like, but this is an agree-to-disagree scenario. I may disagree that Mr SLAP is doing nothing wrong by masturbating when SLAP is horny, but that's not going to get him to change, and I'll be much better off realising there's no point in trying, it's something that must be accepted. Women work out their problems by talking to other people about them, a strategy which men would do well to emulate.

@BiDanFan,Sublime, Fubar: I think this behavior exists on a spectrum, at one end of which is a sincere attempt to get needed feedback from a trusted friend, and at the other a mean-spirited desire to yuk it up with drinking buds over a partner's harmless but likely embarrassing foibles.

Again, this is why you don't move in until you're very sure he's "the one"... would have been way easier to just stop dating, but now you have to physically move. Ugh.

Yeah, move out. Tell him exactly why.
Also suggest that he see a therapist about his inability to communicate AND his desire for his palm over your pussy. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but you've done you're societal good in the deal.

Fred @33: The talking-to-friends behaviour may exist on a spectrum, but not so much the forbidding-from-talking-to-friends behaviour which, at a minimum, is controlling. But then again, I rather enjoy my partners talking about the kinky shit I get up to. It's free advertising!

I don't think this letter is really a male VS female thing. In our culture men are discouraged from talking about their feelings EXCEPT with their partner. Often their partner is their only confidant. There is no social stigma against men telling their girlfriend she's pretty. He probably just doesn't like her and is coming up with excuses for it.

@17 Yes I'm a woman and I just got past 30 also. Not long ago I was an every day masturbator but medication has really fucked with my libido. A lot of my friends are depressed so maybe I have a skewed idea of what normal is.

@BiDanFan: All of our disagreements are agree-to-disagree tbh. It’s not like I am writing Santa about you.

But you elide a key points: privacy is a fundamental right, and one doesn’t have to break confidences to express themselves to friends or obtain advice. Also I never stated that Mr. Slap was right to masturbate when SLAP wanted sex. Our disagreement is only over the extent of our right to divulge information about our sex partners.

You and @fubar take an expansive position that any limitations, even those concerned with a partner’s privacy, are out of bounds, which seems extreme.

Let's take a guy in a relationship--who jerks off four times a week and has partnered sex with his lover once. I don't necessarily think he should be having sex with his partner all five times. Or four times, say. That he is definitionally failing her--or is repressed, has a gauche style of interpersonal relations, is unevolved--unless he puts out more. The problems here (in this case) are all the other things that don't have to do with the porn use. And, of course, that she'd like his wanking sessions to be sessions of having sex for them both.

Fred @33: Sure, making a joke of one's partner's foibles is mean-spirited, but that's really not what anyone is talking about here.

Tim @34: And if she hadn't moved in, she wouldn't have known about the sexual mismatch, as they would probably have been having sex every time they saw each other so neither would have known her drive was higher than his. Until they were married and even more trapped. Yay for shacking up for identifying incompatibilities when there are lower breakup stakes.

@6. Sportlandia. I agree that 'I'm not enough' is an unfortunate--inaccurate and unnecessarily self-berating--way for female partners to think about their bfs' porn use.

@14. TheLastComment. Well said--to pull up those moralistic remarks about masturbatory frequency. And I don't at all believe that someone who jerks off no more than once a week when single won't be able to rise to it every night when in a relationship.

@22. philosophy school dropout. I've come to the conclusion I have unusually low levels of testosterone, since with any prospect of sex--and having to top--I just wouldn't masturbate. Beyond something like six months of learning when very young, I've never feared not lasting as long as I was sexually engaged.

@25. Sublime. 'He's just not that into you'. I think you're right.

@30. Sublime. The bf must also feel, 'I should be fucking her, not jerking off', otherwise he wouldn't be so ashamed of his porn use that he'd embargo the topic as a theme of conversation between her and her friends. He must understand, at least, the idea that he's channeling his sexual energy into porn, not into a flesh-and-blood relationship. (More than some commenters have professed to understand it). And if they break up or are on the rocks ... obviously her friends will think things between the two of them are bad...? 'He doesn't compliment her, doesn't make her feel valued' isn't such a biggie--is something he reckons they'll say, and he can just shrug at--while 'five times a week it's youporn and a handkerchief' ... is intolerably shameful? Oh--too sensitive. Too prissy and self-involved.

A live question that hasn't really come up in the discussion is: Can heavy porn use impair a man's capacity to have partnered sex? Leaving out death-grip, I think it can. Porn is a misleading representation, usually, of OS sex. The women in it are often too biddable (for it to be like actual sex)--too much like sex dolls or toys. And jerking off, for some emotionally shut-down or unavailable men, can just become simpler. Quicker. And--indeed--a relief.

In this case, apart from its effect on her feelings (and sense of fairness), I'd imagine the porn a red herring.

@26. Bi. Your post illustrates why many generalisations about gender, while in-the-ballpark for the generality of case, have the potential to become harmful when believed in implicitly (e.g. isn't a woman who wants more sex what every man wants?).

@bidanfan: Golden Rule applies here. Don't talk with your girlfriends about things you wouldn't want someone saying about you. (And don't masturbate if you don't want your partner to masturbate).

26/BiDanFan: "Women can't understand why a man would want to come three or four times a week and prefer to do that by himself than with a partner who has indicated a desire for more sex. Isn't a woman who wants more sex every man's dream? And isn't masturbating what he does when sex isn't available?"

I may be wrong, BDF, but my guess is that the main reason guys masturbate even though they know their wife or girlfriend (or husband or boyfriend) is available and willing is because they want variety and, whether it's via porn or just visualizing fantasies, it's a way for them to have that variety without cheating.

SLAP says, "I'm more mad than insulted, which is a nice change from my usual weepy state in relationships."

This makes me think that the problem may extend beyond this relationship. Maybe SLAP's expectations for what a relationship ought to provide are too high. Maybe SLAP has a tendency to pick partners that are not a god fit. Maybe something else but it does seem worth exploring.

For another perspective in the debate, I am female and I would be pretty unhappy if my partner were to talk to his friends about my masturbatory habits or specific aspects of our sex lives, but I wouldn't be upset if we were having a relationship problem, and he told friends something like, "she doesn't want sex as frequently as I do."

@41/Harriet: People are generally ashamed about masturbating. In part, because of the commonly expressed view that people - particularly men - masturbate because of an inability to find a sex partner. But this is gender neutral, and the February 22 column had a letter from a woman who noted an urban legend was meant to shame women about masturbating. We are also socialized from an early age that masturbating is something we do alone and in private. Given these currents, it is easy connect masturbating with being a shameful secret or being a loser. So in my mind it is far from a given that Mr. Slap is seeking privacy around his masturbatory habits because his is ashamed about not fucking SLAP versus a more generalized shame around this sexual outlet.

26/BiDanFan: "...isn't masturbating what (one) does when sex isn't available?"
Sometimes it's nice to just crank one out without the pressure/obligation/time to please your partner, even IF sex is available. And, yes, variety as well.

I think the main point here is the masturbating is taking up the lion's share of the week's sexual activities, not that he does it, which we all do. If she wants sex but he's continually turning her down in favor of Rosy Palm, then this is what I would call a basic mismatch in sexual priorities. And THAT is a plenty good reason for "find another partner".

There is a stereotype that people masturbate because they can't have sex but there isn't any evidence to support that assumption.

Whatever reason this man watches porn, given men need it so, he is neglecting the real woman he lives with. No chicky babe in porn will warm his body at night, or make him a morning coffee. Who thinks this is acceptable? What kind of man is so selfish and stupid. Who cares. Women need to walk on these sort of men, they need a lot more cooking.

I’m curious about the LW’s closing words about her “usual weepy state in relationships”. That seems like it might be a good place to start.

@48/TheLastComment: I would phrase that it bit differently. Surely, some people are masturbating because they cannot find a sex partner, but many people who have sex partners or could easily find a sex partner still choose masturbation over partnered sex. I had two friends with benefits relationships with very attractive women, but they both masturbated regularly between our meetings, even those they could have had sex with me, or with little effort, any number of other men.

I think I may have said the same thing in comments of another letter about “neglecting” partnered sex but still masturbating. My experience (40+ female) is that masturbation and sex fulfill almost completely different needs. One doesn’t substitute for the other at all. For me, masturbation is a normal, relaxing part of my daily routine, not something that requires any sexual energy or is in any way related to the partnered sex I am having. This seems super hard to accept for people in the other camp who clearly see these as related and potentially zero-sum activities, but I promise it’s true.

Sublime @37: I generally take the position that anything that meaningfully impacts your life is fair game for discussion with a therapist, or with a close personal friend. I'm an opponent of gossip, and a huge fan of privacy and consent, but I'm a bigger fan of safety and autonomy.

I'm wondering if the partner's lack of interest in sex is somehow related to the LW's "usual weepy state" in relationships. I can't imagine getting turned on by a weepy partner. Masturbation would be much more fun.

@12: No other commenters in this SL or any related thread recognize the line in the end credits to the 1985 film, Ferris Bueller's Day Off ?? I thought I made a rather hilarious metaphor.
Griz feels old now.

@55: O-kay. I know it's a 34-year old film, but.....does anyone remember director John Hughes?
And my lovely oldest niece turns 35 tomorrow. Christ--Griz needs a drink.

@53/fubar: I agree that anything that impacts your life is open for discuss with a therapist. Therapists, social workers, and doctors are trained professionals who work under ethical guidelines, friends do not. I am also a supporter of safety, and believe that people should seek help from anyone in circumstances in which their safety is at stake. Divulging a partner's masturbatory routine does not rise to that level.

So what this comes down to is you value someone's right to divulge a piece of information that many, if not, most people consider a private, no risk sexual activity; a sexual activity about which the majority of people do not discuss with anyone their own engagement, over a right to privacy about that sexual activity.

We disagree about this, but I think many people would feel the same as @45/Scum&Villany: very unhappy to learn our partners were sharing information about our masturbatory routines to their friends.

Harriet @41: "The bf must also feel, 'I should be fucking her, not jerking off', otherwise he wouldn't be so ashamed of his porn use that he'd embargo the topic as a theme of conversation between her and her friends." I completely disagree. It's sadly a typical male view that discussing one's personal life with friends is a betrayal. The BF doesn't like talking about his feelings, and doesn't understand why she would. I think he just sees it as an invasion of his privacy, not something he is ashamed of.

Harriet @42: Yes, that was my point, that such assumptions are inaccurate in many cases and lead to misunderstandings like the one SLAP is writing in about.

Sporty @43: That rule works well because most women would assume that their partners have friends they confide in, and have no problem with it, because that's normal. Y'all dudes don't go around bragging to your friends about how good your girlfriends are in bed? Sure you don't.

Sublime @46: Yes, well said. People are socialised to be embarrassed about masturbation and to hide it from others. It's a topic that rarely even comes up in "girl talk," with the occasional exception of toy recommendations.

Everybody @Everynumber: FFS. My post @26 represents questions someone like SLAP would ask. Please y'all stop replying to me as if I'm the one who doesn't get it. Also, I agree that simply gossiping about one's partner's masturbatory or other potentially embarrassing habits could violate their privacy. If there were no sexual issues between the SLAPs and she just repeated to girlfriends what she'd learned about his wanking (particularly after he'd asked her not to), that would be a completely different issue to what's happening here. I don't know anyone over 22 who would have that conversation, though.

Sublime @51: The reason they masturbated instead of having sex with you is that if they'd had sex with you as often as they were horny, you wouldn't stay in the FWB column for long. The reason they masturbated instead of having sex with others is that they are picky. I think everyone expects people who do not live with partners to masturbate when their FWBs, if any, aren't around, because even arranging a booty call takes an evening whereas masturbating takes minutes. There is a different expectation when there is a warm, horny body in your bed every night, and you choose to ignore it.

Something @52: One difference is that your masturbation does not expend any semen and therefore literally has no effect on your ability to have partnered sex, which is not 100% true for men.

ECarpenter @54: I read this LW as being quite young (hence the naivete), and "usual weepy state" to mean when problems arise, she tended to react by crying. Not that she's in tears all day long.

Griz @56: I got the reference.

Look, I get that there's a difference between masturbation and partnered sex, that they fill different needs and require different amounts of time and effort. I have no problem if my partner masturbates daily, even multiple times daily. BUT if he were to frequently reject me sexually, while knowing that I wanted to have sex with him, not just to scratch an itch, but also for bonding and preserving a sense of intimacy, AND he was, at the same time, masturbating frequently, I'd feel hurt. Sexual rejection from a partner is devastating over time. It erodes self-esteem. To think that your partner would PREFER to masturbate than to have sex with you, not just occasionally, but most of the time, would be incredibly painful.

As far as gossiping vs. talking with one's friends about one's partner's masturbation habits, there's the issue of context and intent. If one says to one's friend, "Hey, Jenny, did I ever tell you how frequently George masturbates? It's 4-5 times a week and he seems to switch it up in terms of which hand he uses. He generally watches blow job porn but sometimes, he likes to watch threesomes or anal scenes," THAT is a betrayal of trust, an invasion of privacy, and all the rest and is reprehensible. BUT if this conversation goes more like this, "Jenny, I don't know what to do: George never seems to want to have sex with me. He never initiates it and for every time he accepts my efforts at initiating, he masturbates 5 other times. I feel so rejected! Why does he prefer to masturbate than to have sex with me? What do you think?"--that is a very different conversation, and I don't see it being about an invasion of privacy.

If the focus is on the person who is telling the story--what s/he does and how the partner's response or actions make her/him feel, than it's not just gossip. Would anyone mind if the partner told her friend that her partner gives her no help with cooking even when she asked for it, yet spent 4-5 hours a week watching cooking shows on tv?

The bottom line, as far as this couple goes, is that he is not attracted to her. What she decides to do about that is up to her.

@44. Roma. There are a lot of other potential reasons. They want five minutes, not (say) a minimum of forty-five minutes. They want tightly-held, localised sexual touch, not indiscriminate sensation or cuddling. They want good, reliable visuals.

@46. Sublime. Well--there's nothing to be ashamed about in masturbating. We've had some men here saying that four times a week is undersexed; and presumably the feeling among the LW's friends would be that four times (given that he's not up for partnered sex) is a lot. People generally accept there's a lot of variation in this, as there is (mercifully, or happily) across sexual life. I'd still find it hard to accept the mindset that's willing to be talked about re sexual incompatibility, or emotional abandonment, or extreme taciturnity or uncommunicativeness, but not sexual habits. Nobody would be judging him a pervert for his sexual habits.

@54. E.Carpenter. She's usually weepy when her relationships go wrong, but this time she's angry, not teary. She's not usually weepy.

@58. Bi. Re whether her bf is ashamed because he jerks off, rather than fucking her: Without necessarily thinking I was wrong, on this one you could well be right. There's a kind of man for whom 'he can put all his laundry in the washing machine, but never remembers to take it out' breaches no privacy, while 'he only ever jerks off to cartoons' is shamingly scandalous. To me, there're obviously the same kind of remark.

@58 There's also a general embargo against talking about OTHER people's personal life. I'm presently dating a friend of my best friend's wife. IMO, telling them (the married pair) about what we're doing would be the calling card of an insecure braggart. The most explicit sexual reference I'd ever make is acknowledging that we woke up in the same apartment (and even then, only to discuss something that we did in the morning). As they say "a gentleman does not kiss and tell".

I, personally, would love it if Dan dropped these email exchanges on us twice, even three times as often as he does. Really satisfying, to me, not just in the answers but as a form...

@58 BiDanFan: Thank you and bless you. I was really starting to feel old. I was 21 back when that film was first released in theaters.

Who's up for the Lucky @69 in this SL thread? Tick...tick...tick...

.....aaaaaand the lucky winner IS..................

Sorry grizzy, it's me! @66 @47 I'd reckon that's the overwhelming reason for people who live with their SO.

Do gay male couples have this issue?

@69 Congrats on your Lucky @69 Award, Sporty. I'm sure you're already savoring your riches at this point.

@70 masturbated to it twice already

Ms Cute - Agreed about context, though I'd expect the hypothetical Jenny to have been already in the loop.

I wonder how far this topic could go before leaking into excessive disclosure. Jenny will have to be particularly careful to keep from asking too probing a question, especially if she has some theory about BF's tastes running to attributes LW lacks (recalling the brunette LW whose man was almost totally into porn with blondes). A question not answered could still lead to difficulties, as then Jenny might make assumptions.

I still think there's something we haven't been told. "It took a lot for him to tell me" - what besides just the existence of porn, and why was it so hard?

@71: Blow-up dolls don't count, Sporty.

@73 why not? Are you trying to shame me by implying I can't find a human sex partner?

I say let’s ALL go masturbate in honor of this letter. First one to come gets...

...an orgasm, of course!

Sorry, SLAP’s boyfriend is excluded from this contest as professionals aren’t allowed.

@74: No, of course not, but you often sound like you're 40 going on 14, Sporty.
@75 DonnyKlicious: I declare you the lucky O-winner! Heartfelt congrats! :)

Early a.m. movie time for Griz after spring cleaning--pizza and red, red wiiiiine.
It's so nice to have everything tidy again after the winter storms. Soon it will be time to get Griz's Love Beetle out of hibernation and hit the beaches again---yaaay!
Everybody remember to set your clocks / watches / smartphones / computers / etc.
ahead one hour starting at 2 am Sunday March 10, 2019---Daylight Savings Time
starts today.

@76: Rats--sorry. I forgot to indent again.

What do you men think hetro women talk about when they get together? They talk about their lives. Their jobs, their kids, their men etc.
I doubt LW would say ‘he jacks off four times a week to porn’. Rather she might say ‘he’s not available to me sexually.’
As Fan pointed out above, women suicide less than men and this is one of the reasons why. With trusted friends, we process our lives as they do with us, on the regular.

Men may commit suicide more often than women, but it is not because they are less mentally healthy, it is because they choose more lethal methods. Women attempt suicide more often than men do.

The American Society for Suicide Prevention
https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

National Institute of Mental Health
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide.shtml#part_154969

Attempting isn’t achieving.

We’re all unbalanced in this twisted story of modern life. That’s why sharing is so important. It’s not a betrayal of anybody, it’s airing issues, getting different perspectives. One has allegence to oneself first.

He is who is he and seems happy with that. Nothing wrong there. But who he is isn't right for you. You don't owe each other shit. Move on.

@78 I've had more than one friend-of-a-girlfriend describe to me my sexual... "Stuff" - the sounds I make, specific physical things, etc. Whatever women talk about, there sure aren't any privacy boundaries