
Been a long time listener to your podcasts. And have always loved your advice. Being an amazing advocate for the community, and being Pride Month (albeit the tail end), I thought you could speak about this. This Pride Month there has been a LOT of discussion about the place of kink and fetish wear at Pride. I'm personally a cis mostly hetero white male. I am also a part of a Leather family and active in the kink scene.I have TWO questions. First, where does your opinion fall on the topic of kink and kink outfits at Pride? And secondly, there have been discussions and arguments around whether we should add K for Kink to the LGBTQI+ acronym. I disagree with this. But does the BDSM Lifestyle come under the "Queer" umbrella term, even if most kinky people are straight or mostly straight? This is causing a HUGE fuss in my local community.
Kink is Not Killing You
Second question first...
No, I don't think we should add a "K" to the ever-metastasizing LGBTTQQIAAP2S acronym. (Or, more accurately, I don't think we should add more letters to an already unwieldy initialism.) Straight and queer people can be kinky, just as straight and queer people can be poly, so being kinky—in and of itself—doesn't make a person queer in the "not straight" sense of the term. (There was some noise about adding a second "P" to LGBTTQQIAAP2S a few years back for poly folks, most of whom are straight, and that didn't take off for the same reason.)
That said... there are straight-identified trans people out there who are certainly members of the queer community as well as straight-identified asexuals and and straight-identified intersex people and on rare occasions one of the "questioning" (that's one of the two Qs) discover the answer was "straight" all along. If these straight people get to be included in the neverending acronym, why shouldn't kinky straight people? And it's not like there's some controlling legal authority out there—there's no LGBTTQQIAAP2S SCOTUS—which means there's nothing to stop someone from slapping a "K" on that end of that thing. So if some members of your local kink community want to start using LGBTTQQIAAP2SK, no one can stop them. And at this point I don't think anyone would even notice. Really, what's one more letter?
But you know... if we decide that anyone who isn't straight and vanilla and married and monogamous isn't really straight, what are we saying about straightness? If a gay person can be vanilla and married and monogamous and still be gay (even if some will argue they're not gay enough to be president), why can't a straight person be kinky and unmarried and non-monogamous while still being straight? Personally, KINKY, I'd rather live in a world where boring queers complicate our notions of queerness and crazy straights complicate our notions of straightness because that world—and the people in it—is going to be far more interesting. (Weird how everyone assumes Pete and Chasten are vanilla. How would anyone other than Pete and Chasten know that? Also weird: if you made a Venn diagram of people who insist you should never make an assumption about someone's gender based on how they present and people making assumptions about Peter and Chasten's sex life based on how they present... that thing would be a circle.)
As for kink and kink outfits at Pride—as for kinky people at Pride—of course I believe kink, kink outfits, and kinky people belong at Pride. And while I've seen a few people suggest recent calls to ban kink and kink from Pride is a consequence of the push for marriage equality and the demons of homonormativity it supposedly unleashed (because married gay people are never kinky), stupid assholes have been calling for kinky people to be banned from Pride for decades. (Hell, I got a letter almost a decade ago from someone who wanted to ban kinky people from kinky events!) And every year these assholes are told that kinky queer people have just as much right to take part in Pride celebrations as any other kind of queer person and kinky people keep showing up for Pride just the same.)
I wanna close by seconding what Amanda Kerri had to say about this bullshit annual n non-controversy at The Advocate...
I’m frankly too worn out from this stuff at this point to be nice about it anymore. Saying that kink has no place at Pride is a bad opinion and you should feel bad. First of all, kink was at Pride long before upper middle-class queers decided to take their kids to Pride.... As for those of you arguing about how a bunch of queers running around in collars, harnesses, and body tape over their nipples makes us look bad in front of the straights and supports their arguments that we’re all perverts, well you might want to sit down for this: the ones who think we’re perverts don’t care how we’re dressed.
...and by seconding—and embedding—the entirety of Pup Amp's recent tweet storm on this subject of kinksters at Pride:
"Kinks and fetishes don't belong at pride" - A thread by me, a kinkster who has been going to pride for years and has a few things to say on the matter. ❤️🏳️🌈 pic.twitter.com/jPGeck2tiC
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
"Why?" is always my first reaction. What do kinks mean to you that you that kinksters don't deserve to be represented when our identities are so entwined with our kinks? Kinksters have been at the forefront of fighting for our rights since the beginning. We have lost people too.
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
"Kinksters aren't part of the LGBTQ+ community!" - Community is a flawed and overused word, but it's the best we have sometimes. Kinksters teach classes, do outreach, fundraise, and are accepting of all the intersections of identities that exist under LGBTQ+, where's the inverse? pic.twitter.com/rJddCLnLEw
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
When our communities were affected by an epidemic, drag queens, bikers, lesbians, bi, trans, gay and every overlap possible came together to try and help the community. Kinksters too, were some of the loudest clubs who made sure we took care of each other no matter what.
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
We made sure our leathers and possessions found loving homes when previous owners passed away without wills; we made sure to document queer history, tell the stories, spread awareness and be loud. If even a fraction of those ethics made it into pride, I would be proud. pic.twitter.com/CqvNnR43FT
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
Kinksters show a deep trust and understanding of the most intimate parts of themselves and share that with others. We tap into our spiritual, emotional and physical selves but do so with consent, negotiation and fun. Vanilla people could learn a thing or two about consent. pic.twitter.com/0IGmQJ5ZWt
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
"Well pride isn't about sex" - Pride is, among other things, a defence of sexual freedom, the very nature of what kinksters want in our world. As we continue to lose freedoms online and spaces in the real world, we want nothing but to defend what we love and have pride about.
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
Pride is a sexual space we can be ourselves and in our current climate, thanks #Sesta #Fosta. This Pink stripe in the flag stands for Sex. Pride events should be inclusive, but sex has been there all along. So I feel like that is an exact point of a pride, being sexually free.
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
"But think of the children" - This isn't an excuse for the children, but adults who think parenting is someone else's job. It's not an excuse when you know exactly what you're bringing the children to. Pride should be fun, but the gays are not a spectacle, we are celebrating. pic.twitter.com/TAGgAiKdUn
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
Pride is as much about politics and activism, representation and being sexual yourself, as it is about celebrating family. So if you haven't talked to your children about birds and bees, best do that before pride where they could see a number of sexually expressive floats. pic.twitter.com/gyJqIusxvm
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
Further, by standing in a harness, or wearing a puppy hood, I’m not being sexual or asking anyone to join in my kinks, I’m being myself and wearing what gives me pride and if you are sexualizing that about me, maybe we should grab a drink and talk some more ;). pic.twitter.com/cMp8aecVB3
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
Maybe we need more “family spaces” or “chill zones” for those that don’t like the loud craziness, but if we don’t find a way to accomodate all of us I worry "family friendly values" will destroy pride altogether. Values that paint all sex as bad are already sweeping the internet.
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
Personally, I can’t think of a greater betrayal to what Pride is about than allowing our identities to be censored by corporations that we allow in pride and are just trying to make a quick buck. Please tell me where kinksters are allowed, because sexual spaces are disappearing.
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
So I will end with one last question. When corporate machines are more welcome in our pride parades than the community members that have been fighting with us from the beginning what does that say about pride?
Everyone is welcome at pride, but Kinksters belong at pride. pic.twitter.com/nz0grZRjdv
— Amp - Mr Friendly (@Pup_Amp) June 1, 2019
Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!
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